Never Knowing

stop myself from thinking about what was going to happen the next day. When I finally paused for breath he pulled me in tight against him.

“Sara.”

“Hmm?”

“You know how much I love you, right?”

I turned to him. “You think something’s going to happen to me tomorrow!”

He didn’t meet my eyes. “I didn’t say that.”

“But that’s what you’re thinking.”

This time he looked at me, his face serious. “You sure you don’t want to call this thing off?”

“Nope, tomorrow they’re going to arrest John and he’ll be out of our lives once and for all.” I tried for a big smile, tried to believe what I was saying.

“This isn’t funny, Sara.”

My smile faded. “I know.”

That night in bed we held each other close as we went over everything again. Finally we fell asleep, but I dreamed I was being hauled away to prison. Ally cried through the glass and Evan came and visited me with Melanie — his new wife. I woke up at five-fifteen a.m., glanced at the clock, then stared at Evan’s sleeping form, thinking for the hundredth time, Am I doing the right thing?

The next morning Evan made pancakes. We were joking around with Ally while Moose grunted and snorted his way through his own plateful, but Evan and I kept meeting eyes over our coffees, and I checked my cell phone over and over. Was John already on the island? Was he close? Did he know my address? What if he showed up here? I checked the alarm and caught Evan rechecking it.

After we dropped Ally off at school, where a patrol car would be parked outside all day, we headed to the police station. Evan waited while they fitted me with a wire device. I was to drive down to the park, walk to the bench, sit, and wait. Evan was to go with the police in the main vehicle so John wouldn’t see us together. If for some reason he did get close, I was to make sure I didn’t go near any car, mine or his, and to keep lots of space between our bodies. All these commands were couched as cautions and followed by “if you still want to go through with this.” The message was clear: if the shit hit the fan and I got hurt, the police wanted it known I was doing this of my own free will.

Once I got to Pipers Lagoon, Sandy would park down the road in the command unit with Evan. Billy would be one of the undercover agents acting as workmen installing new signs in the parking lot. Other police officers would be scattered around as dog walkers and birders. One female officer was going to push an empty stroller with a strategically placed blanket and another was stationed on the hill above my bench, sketching the ocean. I was relieved they were bringing in so many members — they weren’t taking any chances. But I was.

About half an hour before I was supposed to meet John I left the station. On the way there the sun broke through the clouds, bouncing off cars and shining into my eyes. My head started to pound and I realized I hadn’t taken my pill that morning. I reached into my purse and hunted for an ibuprofen, but the bottle was empty. Perfect.

The closer I got to Pipers Lagoon, the more my heart climbed into my throat. Why had I ever agreed to this? My mind was filled with images of all the things that could go wrong: John grabs a hostage. John grabs me. Evan jumps out to help and gets shot. The urge to call everything off was huge.

I parked and looked around at the other vehicles. No trucks. What if he’d rented a car? I didn’t see any license plates for a rental company. I wiped my sweaty palms on my legs. Okay. All I have to do is get out and walk to the bench.

I took a deep breath, climbed out of the Cherokee, and started along the graveled path, holding my coat tight as the wind off the ocean grabbed at it. For a moment I panicked when a young couple hovered near the bench I was supposed to sit at. Thankfully, they moved on.

As I waited, my head started to pound harder and my eyes began to water. My migraine was coming in fast. I glanced at my watch, then looked around the parking lot again.

Twelve-thirty arrived, but no sign of John. I watched every vehicle that pulled in. The wind whipped my hair around, obscuring my vision. I pushed it back. A man got out of a small car. I held my breath. He stood for a moment and glanced around, then took off his baseball cap. I caught a flash of reddish hair. Oh, God, it was him. He closed his car door and started walking down the path. Where were the police? They were supposed to grab him right away.

Closer, closer, closer.

Finally the man was close enough for me to see his face. He was too young. I let out my breath. He gave me an odd look as he passed by. I focused back on the parking lot. Had I missed someone? No new vehicles. I checked my watch. Another five minutes had passed. Where was he?

My heart was beating so fast I was worried something was wrong, but I put it down to nerves. Even though it was sunny, the wind was cold and my body felt like it had been dipped in ice. I shuffled my legs back and forth and tucked my hands into my armpits.

Another ten minutes passed. Still nothing. I took the cell phone out of my pocket and dialed the last number John had called me from. No answer. What was going on? Was he even on the island?

I stood up and looked around. The female policeman on the rocks above me was sketching and gazing out at the ocean. I sat down, feeling my head spin as the migraine clenched at the base of my neck. I looked at my watch again: a half hour after our meeting time. I was still considering what to do when the cell in my pocket rang.

I picked it up and flipped it open. I didn’t recognize the number.

“Hello?”

“Are you there?”

“John, I was starting to wonder. Is everything okay?”

“I don’t know, Sara, you tell me.” Dread oozed over me.

“What’s going on? I’m waiting for you like we agreed.”

“You seem to have a problem telling the truth.”

I glanced around. Was he watching me? Was anyone watching me? A shiver slid down my spine.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, John.”

“You haven’t been telling me the truth about Ally.” My mind scrambled over everything I’d told him. What could he have possibly found out?

I said, “I’ve always tried to be as truthful as possible.”

He chanted, “Ally loves Barbies. Ally’s good at sports. Ally doesn’t like science.”

I sucked in my breath. “Have you been watching me?”

“You lied.”

I was scared, but I was also angry. “Ally is my daughter, John. My job is to protect her. You shouldn’t have been asking those questions.”

“I can ask whatever questions I want.”

Get a grip, Sara. Remember who you’re talking to.

“Let’s both calm down and start over, okay?”

“It’s too late.”

“It’s never too late with family — that’s what being a family is about.”

He was silent.

My heart was going nuts. I pressed my hand against it.

Finally John said, “Check the bathroom stall — the last one. I’ve left something for you.”

“Right now?”

“I’ll call you back.” He hung up.