Never Knowing

time, waiting for Evan to call back.

But he didn’t. So I called Billy.

He came over right away, bearing coffees and donuts.

“Cops and donuts? Isn’t that some sort of cliche?”

He patted his trim waist. “And me watching my diet.”

I laughed, pulled the donut box close and looked in, didn’t take one.

He said, “You want to talk about it?”

“I just hate all of this. Feeling like I have to choose.”

“It’s a tough choice.”

“I know it’s selfish of me to want Evan to support everything I do, but he practically threatened to end our relationship.”

Billy’s eyebrows shot up. “Yikes.”

“I mean, am I wrong here?”

“You’re the only one who can answer that question, Sara. I think it comes down to what you can live with. Or whether you can live with yourself.”

“That’s the thing. I couldn’t stand it if John kills another person. So how do I live through the summer — or any summer? Every weekend I’m going to be a mess wondering if he’s done it again. And how am I supposed to have a wedding if I’m looking over my shoulder every ten seconds?” He nodded. “I hear you. It was the same for me with my ex. She wanted an average guy, but I couldn’t just cuddle on the couch watching TV when there was a killer on the loose. I always had to see it to the end.”

“That’s totally how I feel. I started this, so it’s up to me to end it.” I felt another wave of anger at Evan. Why couldn’t he understand?

Billy said, “I brought a copy of The Art of War over for you — it’s in the truck. But maybe you just need to take a break from everything for a little while.”

“How am I going to do that?”

“We could start by going for a drive? Get out and talk for a bit?”

“I don’t know, Ally’s at school and I have so much to do around here.…”

“Are you actually going to do any of it?”

“Probably not.” I sighed. “Sure, let’s go.”

We drove around for close to an hour, just drinking coffee and talking about nothing in particular. We didn’t discuss my fight with Evan. It’s got to be hard when they know he’s trying to stop me from helping them, but all Billy said was that he could understand why Evan was having such a hard time. On the way home, I flipped through The Art of War and noticed he’d highlighted some of the quotes — a few were even circled.

He glanced at me. “The strategies can be used for everything — politics, business, managing conflicts, you name it. And they can be applied to any investigation. John’s case is a perfect example. This book could be the key to finally stopping him.” “It just looks like a lot of quotes.”

“But each one is brilliant. To give just one example, ‘It’s not about planning; it’s about quick and appropriate responses to changing conditions.’ That’s exactly how a cop needs to think.” His dark eyes glowed as they met mine. “If more members of the RCMP read this book we’d have a lot more convictions.” “You should write your own book.”

“I’ve actually been working on something for a few years — how The Art of War can be used in police work. ‘Victory belongs to the man who can master the stratagem of the crooked and the straight.’”

“That’s so cool!”

He glanced at me. “Yeah?”

“Totally.” If he was going to use military strategies to get John out of my life, I was all for it. This case needed someone who was willing to go the extra mile. Then I thought about Sandy. How far would she go to catch John?

The rest of the way home Billy told me all about his book. By the time he dropped me off, my anger had cooled and I was feeling horrible about my reaction to Evan on the phone earlier. I was also feeling pretty bad about taking off with Billy. I knew it was nothing, but would Evan?

My mind filled with panicky images of Evan moving out, of having to sell the house, of canceling the wedding, of Ally sobbing and having weekend visits with Evan, of lonely nights filled with the knowledge that Evan was the best thing that ever happened to me and I lost him. As soon as I walked in the door I e-mailed all our wedding invitations. Then I tried to call Evan, but his cell was off. I didn’t leave a message — I didn’t know what to say.

When Evan called later that night I was working in the shop. My stomach lurched and I took a deep breath before answering. Here we go.

He said, “Hey, baby. I’m sorry about earlier, I was being a dick. It’s just that this guy is bad news and I don’t think you get how dangerous he is.”

I let out my breath. We were going to be okay.

“I do, Evan. Of course I do. And I really hope you didn’t mean what you said about our relationship, because I sent out our invitations.” I laughed.

Evan was quiet. My chest tightened.

I said, “Okay, now you’re scaring me.”

“You scare me, Sara. I want to marry you and make a life with you — I love you — but you’re putting yourself and Ally in danger. I want to protect you, but you don’t listen to me.”

“Since when do I have to obey everything you say? I’m not a dog.” I laughed, but he didn’t.

He said, “You know that’s not what I mean. I don’t want you to meet with him again. I don’t know how much clearer I can make it. I didn’t even want you to talk to him in the first place.”

“I know that, Evan. But I’m trying to tell you I can’t keep living my life in limbo. It’s killing me.”

“Sara. Just do it. Meet with John. I don’t care anymore. But I have to go to bed. I have a long day tomorrow.”

“Wait, Evan. I want to talk about this—”

“No, you don’t. Your mind is made up and you just want me to be okay with it. But it doesn’t matter how many different ways you say it, I’m not okay with it. Talking about it is a waste of energy.”

“I need to know we’re going to be okay, if I do this.”

“I don’t know, Sara.”

I was crying now. “You and Ally are the most important people in the world to me, Evan. I don’t want to lose you, but I’m losing myself. I can’t eat, sleep, anything. I’m a mess. Can’t you see that?”

“Just make a decision.” He sounded resigned.

He said good night and I whispered it back through my tears, then pulled on one of his T-shirts and climbed into bed. I couldn’t imagine a life without Evan — didn’t want a life without him. But if I didn’t end this thing with John soon my relationship was going to die regardless because I was spiraling out of control. Either way I was ruined.

Evan was right, I had to make a decision and I knew what it was going to be. There was only one way out. Then my life could return to normal. I just prayed Evan was still going to be a part of that life.

The next morning John called my cell when I was taking Ally to school. This time I tried something different.