Never Knowing

“Are you sure?”

“We’ll figure it all out, okay? Just don’t make any decisions until I get home and don’t change anything— please.”

“Okay, okay.”

“I mean it. I don’t want to come home and find a for sale sign on the front lawn.”

“Okay. Now I have to go meet Sandy and Billy back at the station.” I groaned.

“Don’t let them manipulate you either.”

“Everyone’s manipulating me right now.”

“Come on, Sara — that’s not fair.”

“I’m sorry. This just sucks. I wish I didn’t have to meet them — I just want to go home.”

“Tell them to fuck off.”

“I have to talk to them, but they’re not going to like what I have to say.”

Evan was right about the cops, and so was I. As soon as we closed the door of the interview room Sandy said, “Next time I think we should—”

“There’s not going to be a next time.”

She steamrolled right over me. “We need to entice him with a stronger reason to come to the island. I think you should tell him you’ll let him meet Ally after all—”

“I’m not using my daughter as bait, Sandy.”

“She’s not actually going to be there, he just has to think she is.”

“No, it’s over. I want out. I’m changing my phone number today and I no longer authorize my landline to be tapped. And I want the tap off my cell.”

“We understand if you need a break,” Billy said. “This has—”

“I don’t need a break, I need it to end. I’ve risked my life, my child, and my relationship for nothing. Evan was right — John’s manipulating me, and you guys are just going to have to catch him on your own.” Sandy said, “And if he hurts another woman?”

“Then you should have caught him.” I glared at her.

She said, “If we remove all the listening devices, we won’t be able to protect you properly. What are you going to do if he comes after you or your family?”

“You told me before that you didn’t think I was in any danger from him.”

“I told you we can’t predict what he’ll do.”

“It’s interesting that when you wanted me to meet with him, you didn’t think I was in danger, but now that I don’t want to meet him, I am.”

Billy said, “We’re just saying we don’t know how he’ll handle being rejected by you. Last time it was an e- mail—”

“I’ll block his e-mails.”

They stared at me. I took a breath.

“Look, I thought if I agreed to a meeting it would end, but that’s not happening. My life is totally screwed up — I’m barely working, I’m fighting with Evan constantly, I’m not spending enough time with my daughter. The more I help you, the more screwed up it gets. I’m just going to go home and continue with my life like he doesn’t exist. That’s what I should’ve done a long time ago.” Billy said, “It sounds like your mind’s made up, and you have to do what’s right for you. But I think you should—”

I stood up. “Thanks for understanding.”

Sandy, who looked anything but understanding, shook her head and said, “I hope you can live with yourself when he finds his next victim.”

“I hope you can live with yourself. You’ve known about him for years and never stopped him. I’ve given you more leads than you ever got on your own.” Her face flushed as she rose to her feet with her fists clenched at her side.

I took a step back as she said, “You—”

Billy said, “Sandy?”

She spun on her heels and left the room, slamming the door behind her.

Billy followed me out to the Cherokee. The adrenaline of the day was still pumping through my veins as I ranted and raved about Sandy.

“All right, killer,” he said when I wound down. “You going to be okay tonight? If you want, I can bring some Chinese over later and keep an eye on you and Ally?”

“That’s a really nice offer, Billy, but I think you’re right — I need a break from all of this.” I also knew how Evan reacted the last time Billy brought me food.

“Sure, but if you need me, you know the number.”

“Nine-one-one?”

He laughed, but hurt flashed in his eyes and I felt bad.

“Stay safe, kid.” He walked back to the station. Where Sandy was probably throwing darts at my photo.

So that’s the end of it. And I think I’ll end today’s appointment there as well. I’ve had enough talking for one day. I know, not something you usually hear me complain about. Remember the days when my biggest concern was my temper? Never thought I’d think of those as the good old days, but then I never thought I’d have a killer for a father — especially one who changes his mind as much as me.

You said I need to start asking myself what I want to do, not what’s right or wrong, or what anybody else thinks. And figuring out what I want means taking an objective look at what I feel and what the consequences of my decisions are. Like I want John out of my life and I’m afraid he’ll hurt someone. I want John caught and I’m terrified he’ll come after my family. Then you said I have to make a decision and stick with it. So that’s what I’m doing. Because I want my sanity back and I’m afraid it’s too late.

SESSION NINETEEN

I don’t know who to listen to anymore. I’m so messed up right now I’d probably walk into traffic if you thought it was a good idea — sure would make things simple in a hurry. God, this nightmare just won’t end. Be careful what you wish for. All I wanted was a father who cared about me. Oh, he cares, all right. He cares so much it just might kill me, if he doesn’t kill everyone I love first.

Last night John called again. Lord knows what he wanted this time, and I’ll never know because I turned my cell off. He tried the cordless a couple times too, but I ignored it. Billy didn’t call to tell me John’s location, probably hoping the curiosity would get to me, but I didn’t want to know. I couldn’t wait to change our numbers — the only thing that stopped me was Evan saying hold off. But it pissed me off no end when I realized I’d left the station without the cops confirming they’d remove the tap from my cell, and they probably still had the landline tapped. When Evan called later he still had a lot to do before he left in the morning, so we just said our good nights and agreed to leave the big decisions until he was home. I could ignore John for another day.

This morning, which feels like a million years ago, I dropped Ally off at school — it’s her last day before summer vacation — then rushed around like mad cleaning the house. I was surprised Evan didn’t call when he left