Never Knowing

“Of course I want to stop him, but my psychiatrist thinks he’s escalating and might kill me if—”

“That’s why it’s important we arrest him soon.”

I glanced at Billy, waiting for him to jump in, but he was silent.

“Sandy, you can’t guarantee something won’t go wrong and he’ll get away.”

“No, and we can’t guarantee your safety now — or Ally’s.”

“Are you seriously trying to use my daughter to scare me? I think about that every day, I don’t need you to —”

“I’m not trying to scare you, but when he feels rejected he—”

“I know. I’ve been thinking about that since he called again, since he shot Evan, but if I do this I stand to lose my fiance, my family, and possibly my life.”

Billy said, “I think Sara just needs a break tonight, Sandy.”

“I’m fine. But if one more person tells me what I should do, I am going to lose it.”

Sandy lowered her voice. “Sara, I can understand what you must be going through, but I also know you don’t want to leave a serial killer out there when you have Ally to think about.”

“I’m sick of you trying to make me feel guilty. You’re just pissed off because you can’t catch him.”

Her mouth opened like she was about to say something, but then a voice from the doorway said, “Mommy, it’s time for my story.”

“Okay, sweetie, I’m coming.” As I took Ally’s hand and led her off, I felt Sandy’s gaze burning into my back. When I came downstairs later she was gone and Billy was sitting at the table, playing solitaire.

“Where’d Sandy go?”

“She needed to do some follow-up work at the station.”

“She hates me.” I sat down with a sigh.

“She doesn’t hate you, Sara.”

“Well, can’t say I’m her biggest fan.”

He grinned. “Couldn’t tell.”

“You know, Nadine — that’s my psychiatrist — didn’t actually say she thought John would kill me.”

“No?”

“She just said it sounds like he’s in a manic state and might be more dangerous. Then I think about what you said — that if he’s freaking out he might be easier to catch. I want to do it, and if he hadn’t shot Evan…”

“You don’t have to decide tonight. But just remember, ‘A swooping falcon breaks the back of his prey; such is the precision of his timing.’ He’s in striking distance, Sara.”

“I know, I know.” I sighed. “Well, I told Nadine I’d sleep on it, then I’m going to call her in the morning before I drive up to see Evan.”

“It’s great you have someone like that in your life.”

“Evan thinks so too.” I laughed. “Saves him a lot of grief when I work things out with her first.” Then I thought of Evan alone at the hospital and a fresh wave of anxiety washed over me. “I’m going to call the hospital again.” The nurse told me Evan was stable but he’d be heavily sedated for the rest of the night, so it would be better to come back in the morning.

“I should be up there with him, Billy. I hate this.”

“I’d feel the exact same way, but it’s getting dark and that road isn’t safe at the best of times.”

“But what if he takes a turn for the worse or John goes there and—”

“Then it’s the last place you should be. Number one, Evan is well guarded. The members watching him are senior officers. Number two, I’m sure the doctors are keeping a close eye on him. They’ll call if there are complications. If you were my fiancee and I was in the hospital, I’d want you to stay where you were safe.” I groaned. “Evan would probably say the same thing.”

“With John in town you should have protection. We can call Sandy or I can—”

I held up my hand. “Not Sandy. I’ll make up the spare room.”

“I should probably stay down here on the couch — closer to the door.”

“Sure.” Even though it was still early evening, I brought down some blankets and started making up the couch. Billy came over to help. As he reached for the edge of the sheet our arms brushed, which made me break out in goose bumps. At the same moment I thought, Billy smells good.

I stepped back quickly.

Billy stopped tucking in the sheet and straightened up. “You okay?”

My face burned as I said, “Yeah, totally. But my neck’s a little sore. Think I’m just going to have a hot bath and hit the sheets.” I headed for the stairs. “It’s been a long day. And I told Nadine I’d call her early — she’s doing some research tonight about serial killers. Not that I’ll be able to sleep.” Shut up, Sara.

“Why don’t you take something? Didn’t you say your psychiatrist prescribed something for anxiety?”

“Ativan.” I glanced at him. “But is it safe for me to take something with John out there?”

Billy spread his arms wide and grinned. “Who’s going to get through me?”

I forced a smile back. “Thanks for staying over, Billy.”

“Just doing my job, little lady,” he said in a John Wayne voice as he pretended to swagger. I laughed, then spun around and started up the stairs.

Billy said, “Wait, what’s your alarm code — I’ll set it.”

I rattled the numbers off as I was still walking. At the landing I said, “Okay, good night, then,” but didn’t wait to hear his response before I shut the bedroom door. I stood in the middle of my room and shook my head. God, Billy must be totally wondering why I was acting weird. I was wondering that myself. As I watched Ally’s pink- fleece-clad chest rise and fall — she was sound asleep on my bed with Moose — I went over the moment in my mind.

Why was I suddenly noticing how good Billy smells? The entire time I’d been with Evan I’d never found another man attractive — not once. The only reason I never felt bad about spending so much time with Billy was because it was nothing. Nothing for him and, I thought, nothing for me.

No, this was stupid, it was still nothing. I was allowed to notice something nice about a good-looking man — I wasn’t dead. And it wasn’t like I threw him down on the couch and jumped his bones. I’m sure there were women at the lodge Evan thought were pretty. This didn’t mean anything. It was probably one of those transference things. Billy represented safety and I was distracting myself from my real fear: losing Evan.

I poured a hot bath and soaked in the lavender-scented bubbles. But I couldn’t stop thinking about Evan being shot. Even though I hadn’t been there, I could see his body jerk with the impact, see him fall, then drag himself to the boat. My mind tortured myself with thoughts of what might’ve happened if John had been successful. Then I thought of all the times I’d been short with Evan lately or ignored him completely because I was so caught up in my drama.

I gave up on the bath and popped an Ativan, then pulled on one of Evan’s shirts and crawled into bed with Ally and Moose. Ally was on my side, but I left her there and whispered a good night as I kissed her cheek and smoothed her hair off her face. The book Billy had given me was still on the night table where I’d put it the day we went for a drive. Hoping it might distract me, I thumbed through the pages. One quote—“All warfare is based on deception”—jumped out. I’d tried to deceive John, but he won that battle hands down. As I scanned more pages I saw how Billy might’ve used some of the strategies, especially the ones about espionage and waging war.

Then I saw a quote that jarred me. “In the whole army none should be closer to the commander than his spies, none more highly awarded, none more confidentially treated.” Had Billy been using some of these strategies on me?

Nice, Sara. You found the man attractive and you’re feeling guilty, so you’re looking for ways to make him a jerk. Billy was just a dedicated cop. I put the book back on the table. Then I buried my face in Evan’s pillow, inhaling his clean scent, telling myself over and over, Everything’s going to be fine. Everything’s going to be fine. Everything’s going to be fine.

The next morning I made breakfast while Billy entertained Ally, but it looked like it was Ally who was entertaining Billy as she tried to wrestle one of her stuffed animals away from Moose. I was glad they were having