Never Knowing

Since John attacked you, I’ve been going through hell. You should be the one who’s terrified, and I’m sure you are. But I feel like I’m losing my mind — what’s left of it. I wake up with a blanket of anxiety wrapped around me and I go to bed with it. Every muscle of my body aches. I massage my calves to release the tension. But it doesn’t work. So I take muscle relaxants and have a hot bath. Then I stumble back to bed half buzzed and groggy. I roll into a ball, cocoon myself in safe words, telling myself it’s over. But I still wake up clawing at my legs.

When the nurse handed me the phone I thought it might be Dad or Lauren unable to reach my cell, but when I said, “Hello,” John answered rapid-fire.

“We have to meet today.”

I stretched the cord as far as I could and moved away from the desk. “How did you know I was here?”

“We have to meet.”

I looked over my shoulder, wondering if the nurses could hear, but one was gone and the other was writing something on a chart at the end of the hall.

“I can’t just drop everything for you. I have to think about—”

“There’s no time.”

“You had time to attack my psychiatrist.” Rage made my voice shake. “Do you think hurting people I care about is going to make me like you?”

Dead silence from the other end of the phone.

I glanced down the hall. The officer sitting outside Evan’s room flipped through his magazine, oblivious to the fact that I was talking to the man he was supposed to be protecting me from.

John was still silent, so I said, “You have to stop this.”

“You have to help me. You’re the only one who can, Sara.” He sounded desperate. Not as desperate as I felt. What should I do? Was it just a trick? But what if it wasn’t?

It didn’t matter. I knew what I was going to do. I closed my eyes.

“I’ll meet you, okay? And we’ll talk about it. But I can’t get away for a while.”

“Ally has to come too.”

My body jerked like he’d hit me and I clutched the phone.

“I already told you no.”

“She has to. You and Ally have to come live with me.”

“Live with — we can’t live with you. That’s not possible.”

“You have to.” His voice was frantic. “If you come I won’t hurt anyone else again. I’ll stop forever. But if you don’t, I’m — I’m going to kill your shrink, and I’ll finish off Evan too. I’m sorry it has to be like this, but it’s an emergency.” “John, please, don’t do anything to—”

“I won’t do any of it if you come. They’ll be safe.”

My mind spun. Think, Sara. Think.

“We can meet, okay? We can meet and we’ll talk about it.”

“No, that’s not good enough. You and Ally come or I finish them off.”

“Okay. Just give me a bit to make a plan. The police, they’re watching the hospital and our house because they don’t know who shot Evan. It’s not safe for me to meet you right now. I have to find a way to sneak off.” “If they find out about this call, I’ll kill Evan, if you tell them you’re meeting me, I’ll kill Evan. If you bring them with you, I’ll kill Evan. If—”

“Stop threatening me! I have to be careful how I do this. I need some time. To think. You can’t just—”

“It has to be this afternoon — at the park.”

This afternoon?

“Ally, she’s at school. If I yank her out, people will ask questions — and there’s a patrol car watching her.”

He paused for a moment, then said, “Tonight at the park — six o’clock. Make sure no one follows you. Tell anyone, and Evan’s dead.”

He hung up.

My legs were shaking as I walked back to Evan’s room. I stopped at the door and peeked in. He was sleeping. I watched him for a moment, still struggling to get a grip on everything that had just happened. No point waking him and asking what to do — I already knew his answer — so I left. The patrol officer who was supposed to be guarding him was getting a coffee from the vending machine at the end of the hall. Should I tell him about the call? But what if John was watching from somewhere in the hospital?

I had to think, had to focus. Should I meet John alone or talk to the police? But what if I talked and John made good on his threat?

No, I had to tell the police. This was too big. But if John found out, he said he’d kill Evan. Stop, Sara, think it through. There was no way John would know if I talked to the cops, he was just trying to scare me. But when I tried to call Billy, there was no answer. He was probably at the hospital with Nadine. I had to talk to someone now.

Sandy answered on the first ring. I started filling her in.

“You have to slow down, Sara. I’m not getting all of this.”

“There’s no way I’m taking Ally to meet him, Sandy. I told him she was in school. But I don’t know what to do.”

“Yesterday you were dead set against meeting John. How do you feel about it now?” Her voice was tense.

For a moment I panicked. Dad and Evan would freak. Then I felt all my pieces snap into place. It didn’t matter what anyone else thought. There was only one way this was ever going to end.

“I want to do it. I’m ready. But I can’t bring Ally. If I show up, as bait or whatever, can you arrest him before he realizes Ally’s not with me?”

“If he’s watching from a distance and sees she’s not there, he might follow through on his threats.”

“There’s got to be some way to flush him out that doesn’t involve Ally.”

She was quiet for a moment, then said, “Let’s talk about it when you get here. Just drive home slowly and don’t do anything abnormal in case John’s following. Don’t alert the officers at the hospital, I’ll take care of it. Don’t even pick up your cell while you’re driving — he might panic if he thinks you’re calling us. Think of him like a bomb, Sara. It won’t take much to set him off.” “But what if it’s him calling?”

“Do not engage in another conversation with him until we have a plan.”

“Are you going to beef up the security for Evan and Nadine?”

“They’re already under protection. If we send more and he’s watching, he’ll know you’ve alerted us.”

“What about Billy, should I call him and—”

“I’ll fill Billy in.” Her voice was firm. “Just stay calm and we’ll talk more when you get here.”

The next hour was the longest drive of my life. It was already a hot day, but my body was slick with nervous sweat, my hands clammy as I gripped the wheel. I didn’t have cell coverage most of the way, so I wasn’t sure if John had tried to reach me again. I checked my rearview mirror constantly, wondering if he was following or if he was down in Nanaimo. What if he was watching Ally’s school and realized she wasn’t there?

Still running worst-case scenarios in my mind as I neared my house, I shot through a yellow light and the patrol car following me stopped at the red. He turned on his lights, but a large tractor-trailer was going through the intersection. As I pulled in my driveway, I noticed that the patrol car normally parked on the road was gone. He must’ve been relieved by the one following me. I jumped out of the SUV and sprinted to the front door.

I shoved my key into the lock and called out, “It’s me — Sara. I’m home.” No sounds of feet running. No