Never Knowing

take him to Nanaimo and—” I stopped as I saw my sister hurrying down the hallway.

Mom said, “Lauren came up with us. She was just calling Greg.”

Lauren and I fell into each other’s arms. “I can’t believe Evan was shot. You must be terrified.” Her body vibrated against me, sending a fresh wave of fear through my own. Yes, this is bad. This is really, really bad.

We pulled apart and I said, “Thanks for coming up.” My voice was thick.

“Of course. Why didn’t you call me?”

“I was going to, but everything just…”

Billy walked over. “Hi, everyone. I’m Bill.” He turned to Dad and stretched out his hand. “We met at Sara’s.”

Dad gave his hand a hard shake. “This your case?”

“I’ll certainly check on things for Sara, but no, the local officers are handling the investigation.”

Dad looked up and down the hallway. “There’s a lot of police around.” He stared hard at me. “What’s going on, Sara?”

My face felt hot. “Ah … what do you mean? Evan’s been shot, and…”

Then I saw it click in Dad’s head.

“This has something to do with the Campsite Killer, doesn’t it?”

Mom gasped. Lauren’s hand flew to her mouth.

Dad turned to me. “Tell me what’s going on right now, Sara.”

I looked at Billy helplessly. He saved me again.

“Let’s find somewhere private to talk.”

Billy led us into an empty room and filled them in while Mom grew paler and paler. Lauren shivered during the entire conversation. After Billy finished, Dad looked at me and shook his head.

“This whole time you’ve been lying to us.”

“Dad, I—”

Billy said, “Sara didn’t want to keep it from you. She was under strict orders not to talk about this with anyone. It could have damaged the case and put her family — all of you — in danger. She’s been a great help to us.”

Dad said, “You didn’t explain how Evan wound up shot.”

“John, the Campsite Killer, he wanted to meet with me again, Dad. And I said I couldn’t, because Evan was coming home.”

“Where’s this scumbag now?” Dad’s face turned dark. “Where’s Ally?”

“She’s with another officer,” Billy said. “She’s well protected.”

“What are you doing to catch this man?”

“Everything in our power, sir. Your daughter was a big part of our investigation, but we’ll continue in a different direction now.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I won’t help anymore,” I said. “Evan didn’t want me to meet with him in the first place, but I was worried he’d kill another woman, but now that Evan’s been shot, I’m not—”

“Evan didn’t want you to meet him, but you did it anyway?”

We stared at each other. Mom said, “She thought she was doing the right thing, Patrick.”

Dad walked over to the window and looked down at the parking lot. His arms were crossed in front of him, his broad back a wall I’ve never been able to cross.

The four of us stood in awkward silence, all staring at Dad.

“I better go talk to the other officers,” Billy said. “If you have any more questions I’ll be in the hall.” No one said anything as he left.

After a moment Dad said, “Evan was right — you should’ve just stayed out of it.”

“Dad, I was trying to help.”

He turned around and looked hard at me. “Let the police handle it from now on, Sara.” As he headed out of the room he said, “I’m going to find the doctor.”

Mom gave me a consoling smile and touched my hand. “He’s just upset.”

“I know, Mom, but don’t you think I am too? He has no idea how much pressure I’ve been under. The cops, Julia — they were all pushing me to do this. It’s not like I came up with the idea on my own.”

“Julia?”

“My mother.” Mom recoiled like she’d been hit. Crap, crap. Crap. “I mean my birth mother. She wanted me to meet him and—”

“You’ve seen her again?”

“I went to her house a couple of times, but I couldn’t mention it to you because we were talking about the case. She’s been terrified for years — it was really important to her that he be caught. And I wanted to help because…”

“Because she’s your mother.”

“That’s not it at all, Mom — I just felt bad for her.”

“Of course you did, sweetie. You’re a caring person.”

“Yeah, well, that bit me in the butt.”

“Anyone else would’ve just walked away, Sara. You give yourself to everything you do, and everyone you love.” She smiled, but the look in her eyes broke my heart. She said, “I’d better make sure your father’s being polite to the nurses,” and hurried after Dad.

I turned to Lauren. “Great, now Mom’s upset.”

“Don’t worry about that right now. Just focus on Evan.”

I sighed. “You mean the other person I hurt?”

“It’s not your fault, Sara.”

“No, Dad’s right. I screwed up. I told John that Evan was the reason I couldn’t meet him. I should’ve known how much that would piss him off.”

“You didn’t know he was going to hurt him.”

“Evan wanted me to stop this a long time ago. I should’ve listened.”

“I can’t believe you’ve been going through this all on your own.”

She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around me. I leaned into her shoulder and started to cry.

We waited outside Evan’s room for a couple of hours. Billy stayed near the other cops, where they talked in low voices, and Dad sat in a chair with his arms across his chest, when he wasn’t pacing up and down the hallway. Mom flipped through a magazine but kept looking at Dad, Lauren, and me. Lauren went to the cafeteria and got us all something to eat, but I could only sip a coffee. So she sat beside me, talking about the boys or the house or her garden. The chatter was comforting, but I was barely able to focus on what she was saying as I watched doctors and nurses, worrying every time anyone stopped outside Evan’s room.

Dad looked at his cell, then got up and walked down the hall. After a few moments he came back.

“I’ve got to get down to Nanaimo — a chain broke on the skidder.”

Mom stood up. “Are you going to be okay if we leave you, Sara?”

“I’m fine, Mom. It will probably just be a lot of sitting around.”

Lauren said, “I can stay.”

“No, you’ve got the boys. I’ll be okay.”

Mom said, “We can come up later.”

“Thanks, Mom. But they’ll probably be sending Evan to Nanaimo tomorrow. You might as well just wait and visit him there.”

“Make sure to let us know if anything changes or if you need anything, sweetie.”

“Of course.”

I spent another hour waiting with Billy, but now I was the one pacing up and down the hall. A nurse came by and told me Evan had woken up briefly and they’d given him more pain medication. He’d probably be sleeping for the rest of the day, if I wanted to go home and get some of his things.