Never Knowing

have milk, and I’ll teach you how to make cheese.” Ally said, “What about horses?” I held my breath.

John said, “We can get some horses. Sure.” He nodded. “You can even have one of your own. Maybe a pony.”

I let out my breath and said, “That’s really nice of you. Isn’t that nice, Ally?”

Ally said, “Can I name it?” Come on, Ally, don’t piss him off.

John said, “Sure, whatever you want.” The sausage was now sizzling and he moved a few links around.

Ally said, “Can I bring my dog?”

John shook his head. “We can’t go back and get him.” My body stiffened. Here we go. Ally’s face flushed.

“I don’t want to go to your stupid ranch.”

My pulse sped up. John pointed the spatula at Ally.

“Now, listen here, young lady—”

Ally stood up. “I don’t want to go.”

John’s face flushed as he leaned forward in his seat. His hand rose.

I stood up and kicked the underside of the metal rack as hard as I could. It flipped up into the air, sending the large frying pan flying toward John, hitting him square in the forehead with a loud thunk and splattering hot grease across his face. He screamed and clutched his face and started rolling on the ground. I lifted Ally into my arms and ran like hell.

SESSION TWENTY-TWO

I’m not ready to talk about what happened, but I have to. I need to find some way to deal with this or the memories are going to eat me alive. Every time I close my eyes they all come rushing back in, drowning me in panicky thoughts. I wake up in the middle of the night, my heart pounding, my body slick with sweat, my mind racing. And one thought repeating over and over: If you stop running you will die.

Terror propelled me into the forest and toward the sound of a river. A second later I realized I should’ve headed to the road where there was a chance for help, but it was too late now. As I raced through the woods, trees and branches tore at my arms. John yelled my name back at the camp. Ally screamed.

“Ally, stop — you have to be quiet!” I pumped my legs hard, leaped over logs. My arms ached from Ally’s weight. John yelled my name again. I ran faster.

Go, go, go!

I raced along the bank above the river, hoping the roar of the water would muffle any sounds. My foot caught on an exposed root and I slid all the way down to the river’s edge. The cell fell out of my pocket into the water and I narrowly missed landing on Ally. She screamed and I covered her mouth with my hand. “Shhhh!” Her face was white and panic-stricken. I knelt down.

“Climb on my back and wrap your legs around my waist.”

Once she was up and had a good grip around my neck, I took off again. I was following the edge of the river, forcing my way through dense foliage, crawling over downed trees, slipping on moss-covered rocks, and ducking branches when I heard John yelling through the woods.

“Sara! Come back!”

My body flooded with fresh adrenaline and I ran as fast as I could, slipping and sliding on the rocks. I lost my balance as Ally shifted her weight, and fell hard on my left knee. I flung out my elbow to keep her from falling and scraped the palm of my hand bloody on a rock.

Get up! Run!

The sound of rushing water grew louder as we neared the top of some falls. Ahead of me the shore ended in a wall of dense brush and logs cast off from the winter’s floods. I was trapped. My eyes searched the bank frantically. How was I going to get around this?

I glanced at the opposite side of the river, but the water was moving too fast. I looked up the bank to my left and spotted a narrow opening under the lower branches of a fir tree. I clambered up, Ally’s weight working against every step. Finally I squirmed through, then followed a trail a few yards until it doubled back and came out above the edge of the falls. It looked like animals had forged a path down the side of the falls, but it was steep and rough.

As I gazed down, a wave of vertigo washed over me. I grabbed on to a branch and closed my eyes. I couldn’t get down there carrying Ally. What was I going to do? There was no way I was going to be able to outrun John. I heard Julia’s voice in my head. I hid in the woods for hours.…

We could hide. But then what? Eventually I’d have to come out with Ally and he’d still be in the woods — waiting. This was never going to end. A startled grouse ran out of the brush in front of us, dragging her wings and pretending to be wounded so we didn’t notice her young. That’s what I needed — a decoy, something that would distract him. I looked into the forest, looked down at the river. The river — John told me he can’t swim.

I turned to my left and headed into the woods. Thankfully I only had to go a few yards before I spotted a small cave cut into a rock face. I set Ally down beside it and dropped to my knees in front of her.

“Ally, I need you to really listen to me now. I want you to stay in this cave, and you can’t say anything — not a peep — until I come get you.”

“Nooooooo!” She started to cry. “Don’t leave me, Mommy. Please. I’ll be really, really quiet.”

Tears came to my own eyes, but I grabbed her hands and squeezed them.

“I don’t want to leave you, sweetie, but I’m going to get us out of here. I promise.”

John’s voice called out through the woods. “Saaarrrrraaa…”

He was close.

“I need you to be super brave now, Ally Cat. I’m going to be making lots of noises and yelling your name over and over, but it’s only to fool him. It will all be pretend. So you can’t come out, okay?”

She nodded, her eyes huge. I kissed her cheek hard.

“Now go — quick like a bunny.” As she turned to burrow into the hole, I said, “Remember, Ally. You’re helping me fool him, so no matter what, don’t come out.” My mind filled with the horrifying image of her skeleton found years from now and I prayed I was doing the right thing. I grabbed her hand and kissed her little fingers one last time.

When she was squeezed in as far as possible, I whispered, “I’ll be back soon. See you later Ally-gator.”

She whispered back, “In a while, crocodile.”

I took a breath and left my child behind.

I headed straight back down the trail and toward the river. Just before I broke out of the forest and onto the top of the path that would take me down the side of the falls, I paused to listen for John but couldn’t hear anything over the roar of the water. I knew I wouldn’t have much time, so I slid down the steep path on my hands and knees, grasping at ferns and branches to stop myself from tumbling over the edge. Then I was at the bottom, where the falls dropped into a jade-green pool of icy mountain water.

I pulled off my running shoes and stared down into the river.

“Sara!” John bellowed from somewhere in the forest above.

I took a deep breath and dove straight in. The frigid water sucked the air out of my chest and I came to the surface coughing and spluttering. After I sucked in a lungful of air, I dove in again, and when I popped back up to the surface, I yelled, “Ally!” as loud as I could — terrified she’d forget my warning and come running. I dove several more times. Between dives I scanned the shore for John.