Never Knowing

Finally I spotted him picking his way down the side trail. I frantically slapped at the water, spinning my body around, then dove under again, coming to the surface screaming.

“Ally! Someone help me!”

I dove in again and when I popped up, John was standing on the shore holding a rifle by his side. Angry red marks from the hot grease striped his face, and his forehead was crimson and blotchy.

“John, Ally fell in and went over the falls!” I poured every ounce of my fear and terror into my voice. “She’s going to drown!”

He ran forward and stood on the very edge of the smooth rock jutting out into the water.

“Where did she go under?”

As I treaded water, I shook my head and choked out, “I don’t know. I can’t find her.” My teeth chattered as I said, “Help. I’m sorry, John. Help me!”

He hesitated for a moment, then said, “We should look downstream. The current may have carried her farther.”

I reached for the large flat rock he was standing on like I was going to crawl up, then let my hands slip off the wet surface and splashed back into the water. He leaned over the water and reached out. I swam closer.

I only had one chance at this.

I braced both feet on a large boulder below. As I gripped one of his hands, I let my fingers slide out so that he leaned forward farther to catch me. When his entire upper body was leaning over the water, I grabbed his hand and pulled with all my strength while twisting my body to the side.

John crashed into the water behind me. He came to the surface spluttering and slapping at the water with his hands.

“Sara, I can’t swim!”

I quickly paddled to the shore and tried to lift myself up onto the rock, but he grabbed the back of my leg and pulled me into the river with him. My throat filled with water.

I twisted out of his grasp and kicked back up to the surface, gasping for air. He had hold of my shirt and came up with me. I clawed at his face and rammed my knee into his groin under the water. His grip loosened and I propelled myself backward.

Our struggle had pushed us downstream and closer to the shore, where the water was shallower. John would be able to reach the bottom soon. As my feet found loose rocks under them, I started to rise. John was behind me again, but in his panic he didn’t realize the water was only a few feet deep. He grabbed at my waist and pulled me down. As I came up for air, I kicked back with my feet and my heel connected with his chin.

My hands grasped at rocks under the water and I used them to pull myself away. This time he’d also found purchase on the rocks and he was beginning to rise behind me.

My hands found a large jagged rock. I twisted my body around as he reached for me.

“Sara, I was only trying to—”

I rose up and hit him in the temple as hard as I could. His fingers reached to touch the bloody gash that opened up on the side of his head. He fell to his knees. “Sara…” His voice was agonized. Blood poured from the wound.

I scrambled to my feet. With both hands holding the rock, I swung hard and fast, smashing it into his temple with a loud crack. The rock slipped out of my hand and splashed a few feet down the river.

He fell forward into the water, then pushed himself up on his hands and knees, swaying. He shook his head and reached for me as I scrambled backward. His torso landed on my legs. I squirmed to the side and got to my feet. He rose unsteadily. I kicked him in the side of the knee. He stumbled and lost his balance, falling onto his back. I leaped on him and drove all my weight down onto his chest. His head went under the water and he thrashed around, clawing at my legs. I left one knee on his chest and pressed my other down hard on his throat. He bucked again, almost dislodging me. My hands grasped at another rock in the water. I hit him in the head. He struggled harder, hands clawing at my legs. I hit him again, and again, and again. I realized I was screaming. The water around his head turned red.

He was still.

My heart pounded as I gulped at the air. I stayed kneeling far longer than he could hold his breath underwater. Finally I lifted my knee off and stood up, stumbling backward on suddenly weak legs. His body floated up slightly. His face was a shocked mask, his mouth open, red hair mixed with blood. A gash on the side of his head exposed white bone.

I scrambled over the slippery rocks to the shore, then hunched over, gagging up water and fear into the sand.

I had killed him. I had killed my father. I stared at his still body, watching it drift with the current while mine shook violently.

I staggered back up the trail. Exhausted, I slipped several times, grasping at roots and ferns to pull my bruised body back up. When I was at the top, I got disorientated and couldn’t find the trail into the woods where I’d left Ally. I spent a heart-stopping few minutes retracing my steps until I recognized an old twisted cedar tree and found the cave.

“Ally, it’s me, it’s safe to come out now.” When she didn’t answer I panicked, but then I heard movement and she threw herself into my arms, almost knocking me over. We clung to each other, crying.

Finally she pulled away. “I heard you yelling, but I stayed hid like you told me.”

“You did great, Ally. I’m really proud of you.”

She wrinkled her nose. “You’re all wet.”

“I fell in the water.”

She looked around, her eyes huge, then whispered, “Where’s the bad man?”

“He’s gone, Ally, and he’s never coming back.”

She hugged me tight. “I want to go home, Mommy.”

“Me too.”

Back at the camp the fire still smoldered and a shiver snaked down my back at the sight of the frying pans on the ground and John’s chair lying on its side. I’d lost the cell in the river and was hoping he’d left his in the camper or truck. But a quick look around didn’t turn up a phone or his keys.

Now that some of the adrenaline was wearing off, I couldn’t stop shaking. I pulled on a jacket John had hung up in the camper, gagging at his scent mixed with wood smoke, and searched for the truck keys. When I hadn’t found them after ten minutes I started to panic. Ally, terrified from her ordeal, was following close behind as I ransacked the camper and truck.

John’s keys must be on his body or in the river. I debated my options — go back down to the river and see if they were still on him or head to the road with Ally and find help. I’d driven for a long time with John and never heard another vehicle. Ally would get tired fast, and I didn’t know how long I could carry her.

I was still trying to figure out what to do when Ally said, “I’m hungry.”

As I searched through John’s provisions, a chill came over me every time I noticed some little detail about his life. He liked whole milk and white bread. He had junk food stored everywhere. He liked Orange Crush and Coffee Crisps. It was the last one that shook me up the most. They were my favorite. Finally I found some peanut butter and made Ally a sandwich.

Then I said, “Ally Cat, you’re going to have to wait here for me for a little bit while I go down to the river, okay?”

“No!” She started to cry.

“Ally, it’s really important. I won’t be long and you can hide in the camper if you —”

She started to scream, “No, no, no, no!” and dropped the sandwich as she threw herself at my knees. There was no way I could leave her, but I couldn’t let her see John’s body either.

We’d walked for over an hour when I finally heard a vehicle coming down the road. As I turned and spotted