Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead. Arcadia

GUIL: I can't remember.

ROS pulls himself together.

ROS: All right, then. I don't care. I've had enough. To tell truth, I'm relieved.

And he disappears from View. GUIL does not notice.

GUIL: Our names shouted in a certain dawn... a message . summons... There must have been a moment, at the beginning, where we could have said-no. But some missed it. ( He looks round and sees he is alone. ) Rosen-? Guil-?

He gathers himself.

Well, we'll know better next time. Now you see me, now you ( and disappears).

Immediately the whole stage is lit up, revealing, upstage, arranged in the approximate positions last held by the dead TRAGEDIANS , the tableau of court and corpses which is he last scene of Hamlet. That is: The KING , QUEEN , LAERTES and HAMLET all dead.. HORATIO holds HAMLET . FORTINBRAS is there. So are two AMBASSADORS from England.

AMBASSADOR: The sight is dismal; and our affairs from England come too late. The ears are senseless that should give us hearing to tell him his commandment is fulfilled, that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead. Where should we have our thanks?

HORATIO: Not from his mouth, had it the ability of life to thank you: He never gave commandment for their death. But since, so jump upon this bloody question, you from the Polack wars, and you from England, are here arrived, give order that these bodies high on a stage be placed to the view; and let me speak to the yet unknowing world how these things came about: so shall you hear of carnal, bloody and unnatural acts, of accidental judgments, casual slaughters, of deaths put on by cunning and forced cause, and, in this upshot, purposes mistook fallen on the inventors' heads: all this can I truly deliver.

But during the above speech, the play fades out, overtaken by dark and music.

TOM STOPPARD

Arcadia

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

A room on the garden front of a very large country house in Derbyshire in April 1809. Nowadays, the house would be called a stately home. The upstage wall is mainly tall, shapely, uncurtained windows, one or more of which work as doors. Nothing much need be said or seen of the exterior beyond. We come to learn that the house stands in the typical English park of the time. Perhaps we see an indication of this, perhaps only light and air and sky.

The room looks bare despite the large table which occupies the centre of it. The table, the straight-backed chairs and, the only other item of furniture, the architects stand or reading stand, would all be collectable pieces now but here, on an uncarpeted wood floor, they have no more pretension than a schoolroom, which is indeed the main use of this room at this time. What elegance there is, is architectural, and nothing is impressive but the scale. There is a door in each of the side walls. These are closed, but one ofthefrench windows is open to a bright but sunless morning.

There are two people, each busy with books and paper and pen and ink, separately occupied. The pupil is thomasina coverly, aged 13. The tutor is SEPTIMUS HODGE, aged 22. Each has an open book. Hers is a slim mathematics primer. His is a handsome thick quarto, brand new, a vanity production, with little tapes to tie when the book is closed. His loose papers, etc, are kept in a stiff-backed portfolio which also ties up with tapes.

Septimus has a tortoise which is sleepy enough to serve as a paperweight.

Elsewhere on the table there is an old-fashioned theodolite and also some other books stacked up. thomasina: Septimus, what is carnal embrace? Septimus: Carnal embrace is the practice of throwing one's arms

around a side of beef. thomasina: Is that all?

Septimus: No ... a shoulder of mutton, a haunch of venison well hugged, an embrace of grouse . . . caro, carnis; feminine; flesh.

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thomasina: Is it a sin?

Septimus: Not necessarily, my lady, but when carnal embrace is

sinful it is a sin of the flesh, QED. We had caro in our Gallic

Wars - 'The Britons live on milk and meat' - 'lacte et carne

vivunf. I am sorry that the seed fell on stony ground. thomasina: That was the sin of Onan, wasn't it, Septimus? Septimus: Yes. He was giving his brother's wife a Latin lesson

and she was hardly the wiser after it than before. I thought you

were finding a proof for Fermat's last theorem. thomasina: It is very difficult, Septimus. You will have to show

me how. SEPTIMUS: If I knew how, there would be no need to ask you.

Fermat's last theorem has kept people busy for a hundred and

fifty years, and I hoped it would keepjyow busy long enough for

me to read Mr Chater's poem in praise of love with only the

distraction of its own absurdities. thomasina: Our Mr Chater has written a poem? Septimus: He believes he has written a poem, yes. I can see that

there might be more carnality in your algebra than in Mr

Chater's 'Couch of Eros'. thomasina: Oh, it was not my algebra. I heard Jellaby telling

cook that Mrs Chater was discovered in carnal embrace in the

gazebo. Septimus: (Pause) Really? With whom, did Jellaby happen to say?

(thomasina considers this with a puzzled frown.) thomasina: What do you mean, with whom? Septimus: With what? Exactly so. The idea is absurd. Where did

this story come from? thomasina: Mr Noakes. Septimus: Mr Noakes! thomasina: Papa's landskip gardener. He was taking bearings in

the garden when he saw - through his spyglass - Mrs Chater in

the gazebo in carnal embrace. SEPTIMUS: And do you mean to tell me that Mr Noakes told the

butler? thomasina: No. Mr Noakes told Mr Chater .Jellaby was told by

the groom, who overheard Mr Noakes telling Mr Chater, in

the stable yard.

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Septimus: Mr Chater being engaged in closing the stable door.

thomasina: What do you mean, Septimus?

Septimus: So, thus far, the only people who know about this are Mr Noakes the landskip architect, the groom, the butler, the cook and, of course, Mrs Chater's husband, the poet.

thomasina: And Arthur who was cleaning the silver, and the bootboy. And now you.

Septimus: Of course. What else did he say?

thomasina: Mr Noakes?

Septimus: No, not Mr Noakes. Jellaby. You heard Jellaby telling the cook.

thomasina: Cook hushed him almost as soon as he started. Jellaby did not see that I was being allowed to finish yesterday's upstairs' rabbit pie before I came to my lesson. I think you have not been candid with me, Septimus. A gazebo is not, after all, a meat larder.

Septimus: I never said my definition was complete.

thomasina: Is carnal embrace kissing?

Septimus: Yes.