thomasina: And throwing one's arms around Mrs Chater?

Septimus: Yes. Now, Fermat's last theorem-

thomasina: I thought as much. I hope you are ashamed.

Septimus: I, my lady?

thomasina: If you do not teach me the true meaning of things, who will?

Septimus: Ah. Yes, I am ashamed. Carnal embrace is sexual congress, which is the insertion of the male genital organ into the female genital organ for purposes of procreation and pleasure. Fermat's last theorem, by contrast, asserts that when x,y and z are whole numbers each raised to power of n, the sum of the first two can never equal the third when n is greater than 2. (Pause.)

thomasina: Eurghhh!

Septimus: Nevertheless, that is the theorem.

thomasina: It is disgusting and incomprehensible. Now when I am grown to practise it myself I shall never do so without thinking of you.

3

Septimus: Thank you very much, my lady. Was Mrs Chater down this morning?

thomasina: No. Tell me more about sexual congress.

Septimus: There is nothing more to be said about sexual congress.

thomasina: Is it the same as love?

septimus: Oh no, it is much nicer than that.

(One of the side doors leads to the music room. It is the other side door which now opens to admit JELLABY, the butler.) I am teaching, Jellaby.

jellaby: Beg your pardon, Mr Hodge, Mr Chater said it was urgent you receive his letter.

septimus: Oh, very well, (septimus takes the letter.) Thank you. (And to dismiss jellaby.) Thank you.

jellaby: (Holding his ground) Mr Chater asked me to bring him your answer.

septimus: My answer?

(He opens the letter. There is no envelope as such, but there is a 'cover' which, folded and sealed, does the same service. septimus tosses the cover negligently aside and reads.) Well, my answer is that as is my custom and my duty to his lordship I am engaged until a quarter to twelve in the education of his daughter. When I am done, and if Mr Chater is still there, I will be happy to wait upon him in - (he checks the letter) - in the gunroom.

jellaby: I will tell him so, thank you, sir.

(SEPTIMUS folds the letter and places it between the pages of 'The Couch of Eros'.)

thomasina: What is for dinner, Jellaby?

jellaby: Boiled ham and cabbages, my lady, and a rice pudding.

thomasina: Oh, goody. (jellaby leaves.)

septimus: Well, so much for Mr Noakes. He puts himself forward as a gentleman, a philosopher of the picturesque, a visionary who can move mountains and cause lakes, but in the scheme of the garden he is as the serpent.

thomasina: When you stir your rice pudding, Septimus, the spoonful of jam spreads itself round making red trails like

4

the picture of a meteor in my astronomical atlas. But if you stir backward, the jam will not come together again. Indeed, the pudding does not notice and continues to turn pink just as before. Do you think this is odd?

SEPTIMUS*. No.

thomasina: Well, I do. You cannot stir things apart.

Septimus: No more you can, time must needs run backward, and since it will not, we must stir our way onward mixing as we go, disorder out of disorder into disorder until pink is complete, unchanging and unchangeable, and we are done with it for ever. This is known as free will or self-determination.

(He picks up the tortoise and moves it a few inches as though it had strayed, on top of some loose papers, and admonishes it.) Sit!

thomasina: Septimus, do you think God is a Newtonian?

Septimus: An Etonian? Almost certainly, I'm afraid. We must ask your brother to make it his first enquiry.

thomasina: No, Septimus, a Newtonian. Septimus! Am I the first person to have thought of this?

Septimus: No.

thomasina: I have not said yet.

Septimus: 'If everything from the furthest planet to the smallest atom of our brain acts according to Newton's law of motion, what becomes of free will?'

thomasina: No.

Septimus: God's will.

thomasina: No.

Septimus: Sin.

thomasina: (Derisively) No!

Septimus: Very well.

thomasina: If you could stop every atom in its position and

direction, and if your mind could comprehend all the actions thus suspended, then if you were really, really good at algebra you could write the formula for all the future; and although nobody can be so clever as to do it, the formula must exist just as if one could.

Septimus: (Pause) Yes. (Pause.) Yes, as far as I know, you are

5

the first person to have thought of this. (Pause. With an effort.) In the margin of his copy of Arithmetical Fermat wrote that he had discovered a wonderful proof of his theorem but, the margin being too narrow for his purpose, did not have room to write it down. The note was found after his death, and from that day to this -

thomasina: Oh! I see now! The answer is perfectly obvious.

Septimus: This time you may have overreached yourself. (The door is opened, somewhat violently. CHATER enters.) Mr Chater! Perhaps my message miscarried. I will be at liberty at a quarter to twelve, if that is convenient.

chater: It is not convenient, sir. My business will not wait.

Septimus: Then I suppose you have Lord Croom's opinion that your business is more important than his daughter's lesson.

chater: I do not, but, if you like, I will ask his lordship to settle the point.

Septimus: (Pause) My lady, take Fermat into the music room. There will be an extra spoonful of jam if you find his proof.

thomasina: There is no proof, Septimus. The thing that is perfectly obvious is that the note in the margin was a joke to make you all mad. (thomasina leaves.)

Septimus: Now, sir, what is this business that cannot wait?

chater: I think you know it, sir. You have insulted my wife.

Septimus: Insulted her? That would deny my nature, my conduct, and the admiration in which I hold Mrs Chater.

chater: I have heard of your admiration, sir! You insulted my wife in the gazebo yesterday evening!

Septimus: You are mistaken. I made love to your wife in the gazebo. She asked me to meet her there, I have her note somewhere, I dare say I could find it for you, and if someone is putting it about that I did not turn up, by God, sir, it is a slander.

chater: You damned lecher! You would drag down a lady's reputation to make a refuge for your cowardice. It will not do! I am calling you out!

Septimus: Chater! Chater, Chater, Chater! My dear friend!

chater: You dare to call me that. I demand satisfaction!

6

Septimus: Mrs Chater demanded satisfaction and now you are demanding satisfaction. I cannot spend my time day and night satisfying the demands of the Chater family. As for your wife's reputation, it stands where it ever

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