‘God. That’s bad luck.’
‘Not really – more a statistical certainty.’
‘Right. Sounds like you really got into the local culture.’
‘Absolutely. Yodelling and rubber cheese – what more could a guy want?’
‘You’re going back soon, then?’
‘Soon as I can. Anyway – what about you? What are you up to?’
‘Nothing. I’ve been bored to piss.’
‘Bored to piss? That sounds serious.’
‘Everyone’s away. All my friends have just vanished off the face of the earth.’
‘I’m so pleased to hear you say that. I’ve got exactly the same problem. It’s tragic. Everyone’s disappeared. I’ve been having the social life of a maggot.’
‘I would have thought maggots had quite a good social life,’ she said. ‘I mean, you never see a lonely maggot, do you?’
What a weird thing to say. I felt my cheeks flush. This was it. I was falling in love with her again.
‘Make that a maggot with a speech impediment and acne,’ I said.
‘A wiggle impediment, maybe.’
This was amazing! We were really bonding now.
‘Imagine being a maggot with a wiggle impediment,’ I said. ‘No one would talk to you. If you had, like, half a wiggle, you’d only be able to go round in circles, and everyone would take the piss really badly.’
‘Do you reckon there’s such a thing as a really sexy, popular maggot? With a curvaceous wiggle?’
I was almost helpless with lust.
‘Look – Liz. Are you doing anything?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘You know – are you up to anything, like, this week?’
‘Are you asking me out?’
‘No, no, no. I’m not, I’m not. I just… sort of wondered if we could sort of meet up for a drink or something.’
‘You are. You’re asking me out.’
‘No – it’s nothing like that, I just…’
‘Stop squirming, you pratt. I’m winding you up. You’re James’s mate. You’re not exactly going to turn round and start groping me the minute he leaves the country, are you?’
I chuckled weakly.
‘You two are still going out, then?’
‘Of course we are. Look – I’ve got sod all to do this evening. Do you want to meet in Camden around eight?’
‘Right. OK. Cool.’
‘I’ll see you at the station exit.’
‘There’s two.’
‘At the main one, then.’
‘They’re the same.’
‘Oh, don’t be such a knob. I’ll see you at the prettier one.’
Then she put the phone down.
Shit!I’d never been bossed around like that before. I ormally spent a good twenty minutes negotiating a suitable meeting place, and she just .. . bloody hell! This was amazing.
I was late for our meeting at Camden station, but Liz was even later. I noticed for the first time that one of the exits was marginally less ugly than the other, and that was where she turned up.
We went to the World’s End pub, and I ordered a Guinness in the hope that I’d come across as a bit of an intellectual.
It was the first time we’d ever been alone together, and once we’d sat down with our drinks it became clear that we didn’t really have very much to talk about. Our only connection was James. I didn’t want to encourage her to talk about him, but I didn’t want long silences either, and when the first one began to gape open, I chickened out and took the easy option.
‘Any news from James?’
‘Yeah, lots. He seems to be getting on fine. Got a letter every few days at first, then it started going down. Haven’t had one for about a fortnight now.’
‘When’d he go?’
‘January.’
‘Shit – three months.’
‘Five more to go.’
‘I didn’t realize it was that long.’
‘Tell me about it.’
‘That’s a
‘Bored? You think he’ll polish off everything there is to do in Thailand, Hong Kong, Bali, Australia and America in eight months, do you?’
‘No – it’s not that – it’s just…
‘Warm beer?’
‘Apparently, yeah. Except maybe in Australia.’
‘I was hoping that he’d be marginally more worried about missing me.’
‘Exactly. That too. Eight months…’
‘It’s hard enough already.’
‘And you don’t mind him running away like that and leaving you alone for all this time?’
‘He didn’t
‘I suppose not. Didn’t you want to go with him, though?’
‘Of
‘No. I suppose not.’
‘There is the small matter of my own life to consider. I can’t just leave like that. I’m in the middle of a course.’
‘Oh yeah. I forgot. Still – he could have waited. I mean, you get a summer holiday, don’t you?’
‘He’s been planning it for years. Since before I even knew him.’
‘You don’t mind, then?’
‘I wouldn’t say I don’t mind. I’m not exactly over the moon about being on my own all year. But it’s what he’s got to do.’
‘Got to?’
‘Yes – got to.’
‘Why’s he
‘Just because he has. That’s what he feels.’
‘What – so he can
‘You’re so cynical about all this. What’s your problem?’
