Are You Experienced?

‘I haven’t got a problem. I just don’t think… you know… I don’t think he’s treating you very well.’

She laughed and shook her head.

‘You’re funny.’

‘Why?’ I said, smiling.

‘Well – not only are you jealous of him going away, you’re also jealous of his girlfriend. And you’re supposed to be his mate. I mean, if that’s what you think of your

friends

…’

That wasn’t what I was expecting her to say.

‘What do you mean?’

‘About what?’ She was smirking.

‘What do you mean, “jealous of his girlfriend”?’

She spun in her chair, pretending to look around the pub for someone. ‘Shit – I think I must mean me,’ she said. Then she gave me one of those looks. One of those looks that you have to look away from.

‘I don’t think you realize what kind of a relationship I have with James,’ she said. ‘We’re not kids any more. This isn’t teenagers snogging behind the bike sheds, you know.’

‘You’re still teenagers.’

‘Yes – but we don’t snog behind the bike sheds. We make love.’

She said that just to freak me out. There really was no call for that kind of language.

‘I’m so impressed.’

‘Dave – do you understand what I’m talking about? It’s a proper relationship. We’re in love.’

‘All right, all right, all right, all right. I’ve got the message. OK. Change of subject – please.’

There was a long silence. I was still avoiding her eyes.

‘You know what?’ she said.

‘What?’

‘The funny thing is…’

‘What?’

‘We talked about this before he left.’

‘What – about me?’

‘No. About

this.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘About infidelity.’

‘Right.’

‘And we decided…’

‘What?’

‘Well – you know. Me and him have been together, what – about five months. Now he’s gone away for eight months, and we just thought – that you can’t force these things.’

‘What things?’

‘You know – whatever happens, when he comes back, things aren’t going to be the same. We won’t be able to just start again where we left off.’

‘So…?’

‘So, we just thought – that it’s better to play things by ear. We both reckoned that with him so far away, for so long, the chances of him – like – behaving himself are really very low, and the more pressure we both feel under to stay – celibate, or something – the harder it will make things. Basically – we both reckon that the more pressure there is, the more likely we are to be unfaithful.’

‘What are you saying?’

‘Just that… we both decided to be a bit open about things. That if anything happened, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. That we should both do what we want.’

‘And what

do

you want?’

I was trying to stop myself from smiling.

‘Well – I dunno. It’s just that me and James – we used to – you know – have a great time. We had an excellent time together. It was

always

great. Well – maybe not at first – I mean, in the beginning he didn’t know what the hell he was doing – but once we got going – you know it was always… we always had a lot of fun. And up until he left, we were together almost all the time – for weeks. I was virtually living with him. He was always there – and I mean, to be honest…’ She let out a chuckle. Her cheeks were slightly flushed. ‘Look – can I be frank here? To be honest – you get used to it.’

She let that thought sit on the table in front of us, until it was ripe.

‘It’s only three months, now – and I’m getting – you know… almost – like – desperate.’

There was another one. Another plump, juicy, bursting peach. I was very, very excited.

‘And…?’ I said.

‘And what?’

She didn’t seem to know what I meant.

‘I mean .. . why are you telling me this?’

I gave her a flirtatious look.

‘Oh right. I see. Yes – I remember. I was just thinking – that’s what’s so funny.’

‘What? What’s funny.’

‘You. You’re funny.’

‘What? Why?’

‘It’s just funny. You know – the whole thing just seems really ironic.’

‘Why?’

‘It just makes me laugh. There you are, making these hilariously clumsy passes at me, and if you weren’t… who you are I’d probably go along with it, just to get it out of my system.’

‘What? Who am I? What am I?’

‘You’re James’s mate.’

‘So? So what? You happened to meet me through James. So what?’

‘

So what?

’

‘He’s gone. He’s not back for ages.’

‘Jesus! You might have no scruples, but it makes a difference to me. Besides, it’s all wrong, anyway.’

‘Why?’

‘Well – we’re friends, right?’

‘Yes.’

‘So it’s wrong. You know – if you were some guy, and this was the first time I’d met you, we could just – you know – in out thanks very much bye bye. But we’re friends. It couldn’t work like that.’

‘Why not?’

‘It just couldn’t.’

This was bad news. I pulled my grieving-bloodhound face. Liz let out a half-laugh-half-sigh and gave me a consoling squeeze on the knee. Some consolation

that

was.

‘Look – have you forgotten what we said on the phone already?’

‘What?’

‘All our mates are either out of the country or at university. We’re stranded. Look – I’m really glad you’ve come back from Switzerland. It’s great to have someone to hang around with other than the pricks from art college. The two of us can have a laugh together. I wouldn’t want to throw that away just for one quick screw.’

‘Right. I see.’

She patted my thigh.

I would have gladly thrown away just about anything for a quick screw – and who said it would have to be quick, anyway?

Her definition of the word ‘desperate’ obviously wasn’t the same as mine.