AUGUSTUS Thank you, Mr Hodge, I will. [Taking the drawing with him, AUGUSTUS allows himself to he shown out through the garden door, and SEPTIMUS follows him.
BERNARD enters the room, through the door HANNAH left by. VALENTINE comes in with him, leaving the door open and they are followed by HANNAH who is holding the 'garden book'.]
BERNARD Oh, no?no? HANNAH I'm sorry, Bernard. BERNARD Fucked by a dahlia! Do you think? Is it open and shut? Am I fucked?
What does it really amount to? When all's said and done? Am I fucked?
What do you think, Valentine? Tell me the truth. VALENTINE You're fucked. BERNARD Oh God! Does it mean that? HANNAH Yes, Bernard, it does. BERNARD I'm not sure. Show me where it says. I want to see it. No?read it?
no, wait . . .
[BERNARD sits at the table. He prepares to listen as though listening were an oriental art.]
Right.
HANNAH [Reading.] 'October 1st, 1810. Today under the direction of Mr Noakes, a parterre8 was dug on the south lawn and will be a handsome show next year, a consolation for the picturesque catastrophe of the second and third distances. The dahlia having propagated under glass with no ill effect from the sea voyage, is named by Captain Brice 'Charity' for his bride, though the honour properly belongs to the husband who exchanged beds with my dahlia, and an English summer for everlasting night in the Indies.'
[Pause.]
BERNARD Well, it's so round the houses, isn't it? Who's to say what it means?
HANNAH [Patiently.] It means that Ezra Chater of the Sidley Park connection is the same Chater who described a dwarf dahlia in Martinique in 1810 and died there, of a monkey bite.
BERNARD [Wildly.] Ezra wasn't a botanist! He was a poet! HANNAH He was not much of either, but he was both. VALENTINE It's not a disaster. BERNARD Of course it's a disaster! I was on 'The Breakfast Hour'!9 VALENTINE It doesn't mean Byron didn't fight a duel, it only means Chater
wasn't killed in it. BERNARD Oh, pull yourself together!?do you think I'd have been on 'The
Breakfast Hour' if Byron had missedl HANNAH Calm down, Bernard. Valentine's right. BERNARD [Grasping at straws.] Do you think so? You mean the Piccadilly
reviews? Yes, two completely unknown Byron essays?and my discovery of
the lines he added to 'English Bards'. That counts for something. HANNAH [Tactfully.] Very possible?persuasive, indeed. BERNARD Oh, bugger persuasive! I've proved Byron was here and as far as
I'm concerned he wrote those lines as sure as he shot that hare. If only I
8. Level space in a garden occupied by an orna- 9. Popular British TV program, mental arrangement of flower beds.
.
ARCADIA II.7 / 2815
hadn't somehow . . . made it all about killing Chater. Why didn't you stop me?! It's bound to get out, you know?I mean this?this gloss1 on my discovery? I mean how long do you think it'll be before some botanical pedant2 blows the whistle on me?
HANNAH The day after tomorrow. A letter in The Times. BERNARD You wouldn't. HANNAH It's a dirty job but somebody? BERNARD Darling. Sorry. Hannah? HANNAH ?and, after all, it is my discovery. BEBNARD Hannah. HANNAH Bernard. BERNARD Hannah. HANNAH Oh, shut up. It'll be very short, very dry, absolutely gloat- free. Would
you rather it were one of your friends? BERNARD [Fervently.] Oh God, no! HANNAH And then in your letter to The Times? BERNARD Mine? HANNAH Well, of course. Dignified congratulations to a colleague, in the lan
guage of scholars, I trust. BERNARD Oh, eat shit, you mean? HANNAH Think of it as a breakthrough in dahlia studies.
[CHLOE hurries in from the garden.] CHLO. Why aren't you coming?!?Bernard! And you're not dressed! How
long have you been back? [BERNARD looks at her and then at VALENTINE and realizes for the first time that VALENTINE is unusually dressed.]
BERNARD Why are you wearing those clothes?
CHLOE D O be quick! [She is already digging into the basket and -producing odd garments for BERNARD.]
Just put anything on. We're all being photographed. Except Hannah.
HANNAH I'll come and watch. [VALENTINE and CHLOE help BERNARD into a decorative coat and fix a lace collar round his neck.]
CHLOE [TO HANNAH.] Mummy says have you got the theodolite? VALENTINE What are you supposed to be, Chlo? Bo-Peep? CHLOE Jane Austen!3 VALENTINE Of course. HANNAH [TO CHLOE.] Oh?it's in the hermitage! Sorry. BERNARD I thought it wasn't till this evening. What photograph? CHLOE The local paper, of course?they always come before we start. We
want a good crowd of us?Gus looks gorgeous?
BERNARD [Aghast.] The newspaper! [He grahs something like a bishop's mitre4 from the basket and pulls it down completely over his face.]
[Muffled.] I'm ready! [And he staggers out with VALELNTINE and CHLOE, followed by HANNAH.
