My people. The only thing that's mine. That's my pattern.'
'The little black guy?'
'The Prof is one. There's others. I don't know how it happened. I didn't mean for it to happen. I have these dreams. I was going to be a gunfighter. Live hard until I died. But I found out I didn't want to die. Then I was going to be a scam artist. But I kept running into kids. And they keep pulling me into what I didn't want to be.
'I wanted to use my head, Belle, and they make me use my hands. I was going to be a lone wolf. I even liked the way the words sound, you know? But it's not me. All my life, I never found what I am . . . just what I'm not.'
Belle shifted her weight on the floor, looking at me. 'I know what you are,' she said.
'No, you don't. You know what you want. I do that too. I think I want something, I make what I have into whatever that is. It doesn't work.'
She grabbed a handful of my shirt. 'You better not be telling me a fancy goodbye, Burke.'
'There's nothing fancy about it. There's not going to be any more basements in my life. I'm over the edge now. Past the line. This guy, the guy I met tonight - he wants my brother. And he knows how to make him come to fight. I can't let Max do it.'
'If he's as good as you say . . .'
'It's not a duel, Belle. Max has a baby. He's an outlaw. Like us. But he walks his own road. He fights this freak, there's no win. It's like turning over a rock - you don't know what's underneath. This Mortay, he's started something. If they fight, maybe Mortay wins. And my brother is dead. Max wins, he won't win easy. And even if he does, he's out of the shadows and into the street. Don't you get it?'
'No!'
'Listen to me, little girl. Listen good. There's no more outlaw code. There's no rules for freaks. I've known this since I was a kid, but I never really dealt with it. When I went back to my basement, after I shot that guy?'
'Yeah . . .'
'The people who came for me, they weren't his friends. It was the cops.'
''I . . .'
'Listen! It was the cops. I was a stupid fucking kid who thought he was going to be a gunfighter. I went back to my basement. I thought they'd come for me - we'd shoot it out. I didn't care if I lived or I died. If I couldn't have my basement, I didn't care. If they came for me and I won, I'd have a rep. Walk down the street, women would look at me, men would whisper my name. I thought they'd come with guns - they came with a warrant.'
I lit a smoke. My hands were still steady.
'I'm telling you the truth now. Max can't win a fight with this freak. Somebody's coming for him after that. Sooner or later.
'Burke . . .'
'I've got my debts too, Belle. You've never been a slut with your body; don't be one with your respect. But give me what's coming to me. I got no choice about this. I don't want to live here if I have to pay so high.'
'You have to kill him,' she said. It wasn't a question.
'I have to kill him. And I'm not good enough to do it and walk away.'
'You've been to prison before. I said I'd wait for you. I'll wait for you even if you buy a life sentence.'
'I'm doing a life sentence right now. It's time to stop playing with myself. I got a plan. I know how to take him out. But it'll never end up in court.'
'Honey . . .'
'The Mole. The guy you met tonight? He's a genius. Like you wouldn't believe. I'll have him make me a jacket. Line it with the right stuff. I'll find Mortay. He'll do what he does. And when he hits, there's a big bang and it's over.'
She was crying, her head on my chest. 'No, no, no.'
'Don't take this from me,' I said. 'If I could figure out another way, I'd do it in a minute. But I looked in his eyes. There's nobody home there. I can't take a chance. If I try and I miss, my people will go down. And it'll be me who did it.
'I could live with jail again, Belle. But if I miss this freak, I couldn't live with myself. I'd have nothing to come back to.'
'Why can't you . . . ?'
'What? Call the cops? Have us all move to the mountains? I'm going to try, okay? I don't want to die. I'm not good enough with my hands to take him out. For a minute, when I was in the shower, for just a minute, I let it run in my head. Thought the answer was there. There's a reason for this freak being connected to the Ghost Van. It's all patterns. If I could hook into his, maybe I'd have a handle to twist him with.'
She pulled back, watching my face as if she could see past my eyes, big round tears on her face. Glass beads - they'd shatter if they hit the floor.
'You'll try?'
'I'll try, sure I'll try. I don't have much time. I have to put it together . . . but maybe it doesn't fit. Maybe there is no pattern.'
'But you'll try? You swear?'
'I swear. But I'm cutting you out, Belle. Right now, nobody has you with me. You can be out of here in a few hours. I've got some money. I'll give you a number to call. It'll all be over in a few days, one way or another.'
'Get some sleep, baby,' she said, kissing me on the lips.
108
I felt the heat. My eyes snap open. My head turned to the side. Belle stood naked in front of me, my eyes on a level with the triangle of her hips, the soft pelt between them.
'You think you're being a man?' she asked.
'I'm being myself. Trying to be myself.'
'I won't stop you. I love you. But you can't stop me either.'
'What're you talking about?'
'I'm in this. I'm with you. Whatever way it plays.'
'I told you . . .'
'What're you going to do, big man? Beat my ass? I like that, remember?'
'Belle . . .'
'You know why I like it?' she whispered. 'Yes. Yes, you do. I only let two people hit me in my life. Sissy. And you. She loved me, and I wanted you to love me too. Own me. Take care of me. Rescue me, like she did. You don't want to live in this world alone. I understand what you said. I listened to you. I'm not running away, make some fucking phone call, find out if you're dead.'
'Do what I tell you.'
'I'll take your orders. I'll take whatever you have. But only if I'm yours, understand? I'm in this.'
'You're not.'
'I'm in this, you bastard. You can't stop me. You let me in this, you let me help you, I'll obey you like a slave. I'll do whatever you say. But if you don't, I swear I'll go back to work tomorrow night. And I'll tell every man in the place that I'm your girlfriend. I'll tell my boss. I'll put it on the street. I'll take an ad in the fucking newspapers, I have to! You don't want me in the pattern, you have to let me in your life.'
I propped myself on one elbow, looking straight ahead. 'You big, stupid bitch.' It was all I could say.
I wasn't watching her face, but I could feel the flash of her smile. 'I'm a beautiful young girl,' she whispered, 'and you taught me that. I'm a woman. Your woman. And you're going to see just what a stand-up woman is all about.'
I closed my eyes again.
109
