Blue Belle

When I came around again Belle was standing in the same place, hands on her hips. 'What time is it?' I asked her.

'Time to get up,' she said, kneeling down next to the couch, pressing her mouth against me, hands fumbling at my belt. I stroked her back, smooth and moist, like she just stepped out of a bath. She smelled of jasmine.

She unbuttoned my shirt, her face against my chest. The necklace shone against her skin. She licked my chest, my belly. Then she took me in her mouth.

I knew what she was doing. I knew it wouldn't work. But I felt myself grow in her mouth. Swell to bursting. I looked at the ceiling. Shadows. I closed my eyes.

She took her mouth from me. 'Almost ready,' she whispered.

'I'm ready now.'

'Not yet. Wait.' She stroked me with something slippery in her hand, gently working it in from the root to the tip. She took my hand. 'Come on,' she said, pulling me from the couch, leading me to the bed.

She sat down on the bed, pulling me with her, pushing me onto my back again. She lit a cigarette, put it in my mouth. She lay down on her stomach, her face inches from mine.

'Will you do something for me?'

'What?'

'Never mind what - will you do it?'

''I . . .'

'Just listen to me, okay? Then decide. All right?'

'Yeah.' I felt so tired. Like an old man starting another long sentence.

'Remember I told you about that man I was with once? That tough guy? The guy who wouldn't have a bitch dog?'

'Yeah.'

'Remember I told you he said all bitches would turn tail? That's what he wanted me to do?'

I nodded, dragging on the cigarette.

'You know what he meant? He meant turn my tail. He wanted to fuck me in the ass.'

'Uh.'

'He said a real man could always find a piece of ass - said he'd heen in prison and he even found some there.' She reached over, took the cigarette from me, drew on it. Handed it back. 'Did you ever do that?'

'What?'

'Fuck a man. In prison.'

'No.'

'What'd you do?'

'I went steady with my fist,' I snorted. Close to a laugh, but not there yet.

'Cause a real man doesn't do that?'

'I don't know what a real man does. It's like everything I know, Belle - I only know the dark side. I only know what a man doesn't do.'

'Is that why you wouldn't taste me? The first time we made love?'

'I told you the truth then - it's the same truth. In prison . . . men do things. I don't put them down for it. Man wants to fuck another man, it doesn't say anything about him.'

'What is it a man doesn't do, then?'

'He doesn't fuck someone who doesn't want to be fucked, okay? That's the only rule, the only real one. Fucking another man in the ass doesn't make you less of one. But taking it . . .'

'I know. It makes a man into a girl.'

'That's bullshit. A kid who gets raped in prison, it says something about the guy who did it to him, that's all.'

'But if the kid doesn't fight . . .'

'He has to fight. He doesn't have to win.'

'What happens to a kid who's raped?'

'He can lock up, go into PC. Protective Custody. Or he can hang up. Take himself off the count. I guess he could even escape. But he can't walk the yard unless he squares it.'

'How does he square it?'

'Kill the guy. Shank him, pipe him, poison him . . . it don't matter. Even it up. Get it back.'

I sat up in the bed, lit another cigarette. 'That's what I was trying to tell you. There's rules. For everything. They don't have to be fair ones. The first time I was in reform school, one of the bigger kids rolled on me. I never let him finish his pitch. We fought. He could beat me, but he knew he'd never turn me. The next time I went back inside, I was older. Smarter. They were running another game then. It was all gangs inside. They'd make one of the little kids run. Take off at night. Then they'd run out and catch him. Kick the shit out of him, drag him back. They used to get a go-home behind it. Just another way of being raped.

'When they came to me, I told this big guy I'd do it, but I wasn't doing it for nothing. He had to give me his radio. I watched his face - I could see he was thinking what a chump I was.

'He gave me his radio and I told him I'd run in a week. I spent a lot of time on the grounds. Looking around. Getting ready. When the night came, I took off. I told him I'd be waiting for him by this big tree. Made him promise not to hurt me when he brought me back. I kept watching his face - I knew he was lying.

'I took off. Climbed up in the tree with this cinder block I'd found. He came looking for me. Calling my name. Real quiet, so he'd be the one to bring me in. Get all the credit for himself.'

I bit into the filter tip of the cigarette, feeling myself smile inside at the memory, my hand on Belle's hip.

'I dropped the cinder block right on his head. He went down. I jumped on top of him, stomped his face into the ground. I held the cinder block over my head and slammed it into his ribs a couple of times. Then I went back and told the Man that this guy had escaped and I'd stopped him, but he was too heavy for me to drag back.

'I got my parole. He went to the hospital.'

'Good.'

'Yeah, good. I know how things work. I had to pay for what I know, but I know.'

'You can figure this out too, honey.'

'I don't know.

'You're scared of this guy, but . . .'

'I'm always scared of something, Belle. The trick is not to let it get in the way. Like ego - ego gets in the way. I went there tonight to tell the guy I wasn't carrying a beef. Almost begged him to walk away, let it go. But it wasn't what he wanted.'

Belle reached for me again. 'How about what I want?'

'What do you want?'

She squirmed until she was next to me, one arm on my shoulder, still holding me in the other hand, slippery.

'I told you only two people hit me in my life. You and Sissy. I told you the truth - I told you why,' she said, moving closer to me, whispering in the night. 'I took my clothes off for men to watch. Everything I ever did with a man, I did with you. But special. From the very first time. I knew. Sometimes you just know something. I want you to do it to me. What he wanted. Nobody ever did.'

Her voice dropped even lower, swamp-orchid soft. 'I didn't know what I was saving it for, but I knew I had to save something. It's for you.'

I kissed her cheek. 'You saved it all for me, girl. Don't fuss about it.'

'Burke, do it! Come on. I need you to do it. It's special. For you. Not for you to take . . . for me to give.'

'Belle . . .'

Her mouth was against my ear, tongue darting inside. 'Want me to get down on my knees and beg?'

I got off the bed, stood facing her. She was on her knees, taking me in her mouth. 'Aagh!' she said, pulling her face away. 'That stuff tastes awful.'

'What is it?'

'K-Y Jelly. I bought it when I went shopping. It was supposed to be your surprise.' She stroked me again,