Down in the Zero

'You want me to keep looking after Fancy?'

'No. She's going with me. But, Sonny, if Charm comes around, tell her that. Fancy went someplace with me. Nothing more. Got it?'

He nodded.

I made another call from a pay phone. Listened to the arguments, ignored them.

'Where are we going?' Fancy asked, squirming around on the Plymouth's front seat.

'To pick up my girl. It's not far.'

'Your…girl?'

'Shut up, Fancy. You like to play at being a bitch— you're about to meet the real thing.'

It wasn't a long ride. Elroy's shack up in Dutchess County hadn't changed…maybe it sagged a little more. I pulled into the yard just as one of his pit bulls charged the car, running right up on the hood to glare through the windshield. Elroy came out in a minute, shambling forward, his prize beast on a chain. Barko, a white demon with a black patch over one eye.

I cracked my window carefully. 'I came for my dog,' I told him.

'Hey look, man, she never got pregnant. I mean, she won't even tie …even when she's in heat. I think maybe she's gay. But I got an idea. I know this vet— '

'Now, Elroy. She's coming with me now. Call off your mutts.' As soon as he gave the signal, I stepped out of the car, crouched, cupped my hands, shouted 'Pansy! Come here, girl!'

The monster cranked around the corner of the house like a rhino on methedrine, pounding toward me, ears flapping, huge mouth open, yipping like a pup. She piled into me, knocked me over, stuck her enormous snout in my face, nuzzling, tail wagging out of control.

'Pansy! Good girl! You look great!'

She finally let me up, running around in circles, a hundred and forty pounds of joyous muscle and bone.

'Pansy! Jump!' I snapped at her. She hit the ground prone, waiting. I opened the back door of the Plymouth, made the hand signal. She piled in. Saw Fancy on the front seat, parked her massive head on the seatback, drooling. I made a signal for 'friend' and she growled happily. Fancy was rigid, eyes huge.

'This is my girl,' I told her. 'Pansy. The world's finest puppy, aren't you?' I said, rubbing the back of Pansy's neck.

'What is it?'

'Pansy's a Neapolitan mastiff. The best, sweetest, most loyal dog in the whole world.'

Pansy growled agreement. 'Go ahead and pat her,' I said to Fancy. 'She's cool.'

Fancy gave the dog a halfhearted pat. Pansy immediately licked the entire side of her face in one huge swipe.

'Eeewww!' Fancy responded. I couldn't tell if she was happy or disgusted.

'You ready to do what I asked you?' I questioned Elroy.

'Okay, man. But look…'

'We'll talk later,' I told him, gesturing for Fancy to come over to me.

We walked into Elroy's shack. It was all set up, the assortment of working tools I'd told him to buy on a flat table next to a chair. I sat on the couch, told Fancy to come to me. I pulled her across my lap, lifted her skirt, pulled the hem of her panties toward the center of her buttocks, off one cheek. 'Right there,' I told Elroy, pointing.

The tattoo needle hummed as Elroy did his work. He'd never done one before, but he had world–class hands, a master engraver, specializing in commercial artwork— stock certificates, bearer bonds, twenty–dollar bills…

Fancy lay still for the whole thing, holding my hand.

'Looks pretty good,' Elroy said, admiring his work. 'It'll probably scab up— better keep the bandage on for a few days. And try to stay off it.'

'Thanks,' I told him, helping Fancy to her feet.

Elroy walked over to the driver's window. 'Look, man, I'm telling you— '

'It's not gonna happen,' I told him. 'You'll have to find some other way to breed your super–dog. The experiment's over.

I stopped at a deli, left Pansy and Fancy together while I went shopping. Back at the apartment, I dumped a quart of chocolate chip ice cream into a giant mixing bowl Fancy brought over from the big house. I added a couple of pounds of gingersnaps, all crumbled up for a topping. Pansy watched the preparations, her eyes screaming with desire.

'Speak!' I told her. She hit the mixing bowl like a jet–fueled battering ram. Fancy watched, transfixed, as the huge dog made the whole concoction disappear.

'God!'

'Yeah. Isn't she beautiful?'

'I never saw anything like it.'

'I had her with Elroy, that guy you met? He was gonna breed her, but I guess it didn't work out. But now she's back with me. Back home, right, girl?'