Family Jewels (Dix Dodd Mystery #2)

on your hands, that was lime. I saw you applying it to the garden on the day you hired Dylan. Sand — there was a bucket of it in the supply room locker, as well as grains of it in Mother’s safe. Water? Easy enough to come by.”

“That makes no sense, Dix,” Eddie sputtered. “If I wanted a sealant, I would have just bought a sealant.”

“Yeah,” I said. “But you know if you had bought a sealant, then we’d be looking for a sealant. Just like if you’d used keys for the break-ins we’d be looking for someone with keys. You’re not that bright Eddie; but you’re not that stupid. You covered your tracks pretty damn well.”

“So, what are you saying, Dix?” he asked. “You think I’ve been stealing the jewels and sealing them into the walls or something. Hiding them in the brickwork?”

“My officers are thorough,” Almond said. “If there had been freshly sealed or modified areas, they’d have found them. They looked.” His demeanor had changed. I wasn’t the only one to notice. Big Eddie noticeably squirmed under Almond’s steely gaze.

“Ah, but they weren’t looking in the right place, were they?”

And it was here Big Eddie’s eyes shifted. Right to where I knew they would. For Lance-a-Lot was just about to get into his truck.

“Hey, Lance!” I cried, racing the short distance from the patio to the parking lot.

He turned at my voice, broad show-time smile still plastered on his face. The smile dropped, however, when he saw me bearing down on him as fast as my Sketchers would carry me. And though he didn’t scream out loud, I knew a shriek was building as I skidded to a stop, pulled out the waistband of his Speedos, dove my hand in and grabbed his crotch.

And pulled his penis off.

His fake penis.

Shrieking, Lance fell to the ground. But I was so delighted to have gotten the prize, I waved it around triumphantly.

“Oh, Dear God,” Wiggie shouted. “Not him, too! Not again!”

Beth Mary screamed through the chorus of exclamations:

“What have you done?”

“Holy shit!”

“Oh, sweet Jesus!”

Holding the hollow phallus aloft, I walked back toward the group on the patio. I noticed Deputy Almond had taken up position very close to Big Eddie, and one of his boys was edging toward Lance-a-Lot’s vehicle.

“Keep back!” Roger shouted at my approach. “For the love of God, keep away from me!”

I stopped my dick-waving advance.

“What?” I shouted. “It’s a fake!” Belatedly, I realized I might have instilled post traumatic stress disorder in several, if not all, of the men present. “A fake,” I repeated. “A trick dick! “

“No magic there,” Mother interjected.

“But it’s more than cosmetic,” I added. “It’s how Big Eddie has been smuggling the jewels out of the Wildoh. With Lance the pool boy — the pool boy who left a little piece of water plant on the floor when he broke into my mother’s apartment to take her watch.”

“You said we’d not get caught, Uncle Eddie! You said we’d—”

“Shut up, kid,” Big Eddie said, sitting down. “Just shut up now.”

Lance shut up now. Sat down. Crossed his legs so easily.

I turned the phallus upside down and two bright orange golf balls rolled out into the palm of my hand. “Dylan? Want to do the honors?”

“Got it, Dix.” Handyman Dylan produced a drill from the tool box he’d brought along. A moment later, the first golf ball was opened.

“My granddaughter’s broach!” Roger exclaimed.

The second golf ball, of course, contained Mother’s diamond.

“I believe this belongs to you, Mother,” I said, handing over the Dodd family diamond.

“I knew you’d solve this crime, Dix,” Mother said, happily. Proudly. “Really I did.”

“Once those hormones got out of the way.” Mrs. P winked.

“Yeah, so did I.” Deputy Almond had already slapped the cuffs on Big Eddie and one of his deputies was doing the same to a very shriveled up (in every way imaginable) Lance.

I did a double take as Almond’s words registered. “You were sure I’d solve it? All of five minutes ago, maybe.”

“No, right from the start. From the time I faxed you.” Almond slanted me a look. “Your reputation precedes you, Miss Dodd. My cousin in Marport City spoke of you.”

The hackles on the back of my neck rose. “And who would that be?”

“Detective Head of the Marport City PD.”

Oh dear God. Richard Head (aka Dickhead)! Detective Head and I were far from good buddies. Arch enemies is more like it. I could only imagine what he’d told Almond. “Whatever he said about me, Deputy, I’d take it with a grain of salt. A very big one.”

“He said you were a severe pain in the ass.”

“Okay, maybe it wasn’t all lies.”

“And that you were one hell of a good PI. He said if anyone could crack this open, it would be you, especially if your mother’s freedom was on the line. Oh, and he said he’d kill me if I told you he said you were a good PI.”

In my mind, I was already composing the email. Dear Dickhead, I didn’t know you cared. Your recommendation means so much to me. NOT. Curl up and die. Hugs and kisses, Your friend, Dix.

Then it struck me — that’s why Almond had arrested my mother! That’s why he was bent on painting her as the guilty party despite the flimsiness of the evidence. That’s why he’d been antagonizing me. To give me the incentive he figured I needed to crack the case. The bastard! I felt my blood pressure rising. To think I’d been feeling kind of bad about that restaurant bill!

“I’ve known for weeks that Eddie Baskin was committing the thefts. I just couldn’t figure out where the goods were going,” Almond said. “I needed someone on the inside. Someone so on the inside she didn’t even know I’d put her there. Someone with the smarts, and more importantly, the motivation, to figure this out.”

“And you knew if you rode my mother hard enough, I’d be damned motivated. Not to mention the way you baited me along the way, pissing me off. All to spur me into action.”

“Guilty as charged.” He turned away at the sound of the approaching sirens and was smiling when he turned back around. “Sorry about all that, Dixieland,” he said, using one of Dickhead’s few G-rated … um, nicknames … for me. He turned to Eddie Baskin, who wasn’t looking so very big, and Lance a … Little. “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say….”

The arms that wrapped around me were my mother’s. “I knew you’d save me, Dix.”

Mona came to stand beside us as we watched Big Eddie and Lance being placed in the police car.

Big Eddie looked back at Mona. “I’ve always loved you, Mona!” he shouted. “Ever since the day we met. Will you wait for me, sweetheart?”

Her eyes were full of tears. She put a hand to her chest, and tried her best to swallow down the lump in her throat. And Mona Roberts gave Big Eddie the only answer a woman like Mona could give. “God, no!”

“What about you, Katt? Were you waiting for me?”

The voice came from within the rec room, just inside the door. Deep. Gravelly. Croaky as if the owner of it were parched. And everyone went inside to see the wet, muddy, worse-for-wear Frankie Morrell dripping water on the carpet.

Everyone but Mother, that is. She was hightailing it across the grounds of the Wildoh, making a disappearing act of her very own.