'No doubt you are wondering, Mr Wooster, what is the explanation of all this?'
I still wasn't quite equal to the kindly arm, but I did bestow a sort of encouraging pat.
'Not a bit,' I said. 'Not a bit. I know all. I am abreast of the whole situation. I heard what had happened at the Hall, and directly I saw you shoot out of that door I knew what must have occurred here. You were planning to spend the night in the Dower House, weren't you?'
'I was. If you have really been apprised of what took place at Chuffnell Hall, Mr Wooster, you are aware that I am in the unfortunate position of...'
'... being blacked out. I know. So am I.'
'You!'
'Yes. It's a long story, and I couldn't tell you, anyway, because it's by way of being secret history, but you can take it from me that we are both in the same fix.'
'But this is astonishing!'
'You can't go back to your hotel, and I can't get up to London till we have taken the make-up off.'
'Good God!'
'It seems to bring us very close together, what?'
He breathed deeply.
'Mr Wooster, we have had our differences in the past. The fault may have been mine. I cannot say. But in this crisis we must forget them and – er—'
'Stick together?'
'Precisely.'
'We will,' I said cordially. 'Speaking for myself, I decided to let the dead past bury its dead when I heard that you had been giving little Seabury one or two on the spot indicated.'
I heard him snort.
'You are aware what that abominable boy did to me, Mr Wooster?'
'Rather. And what you did to him. I am thoroughly posted up to the time you left the Hall. What happened after that?'
'Almost immediately after I had done so, the realization of my terrible position came upon me.'
'Nasty jar, I imagine?'
'The shock was of the severest. I was at a complete loss. The only course it seemed possible to pursue was to seek refuge somewhere for the night. And, knowing the Dower House to be unoccupied, I repaired thither.' He shuddered. 'Mr Wooster, that house is – I speak in all seriousness – an Inferno.'
He puffed awhile.
'I am not alluding to the presence on the premises of what appeared to me to be a dangerous lunatic. I mean that the whole place is congested with living organisms. Mice, Mr Wooster! And small dogs. And I think I saw a monkey.'
'Eh?'
'I remember now that Lady Chuffnell informed me that her son had started to maintain an establishment of these creatures, but at the moment it had slipped my mind, and the experience came upon me without warning or preparation.'
'Of course, yes. Seabury breeds things. I remember him telling me. And you were snootered by the menagerie?'
He stirred in the darkness. I fancy he was mopping the b.
'Shall I tell you of my experiences beneath that roof, Mr Wooster?'
'Do,' I said cordially. 'We have the night before us.'
He handkerchiefed the brow once more.
'It was a nightmare. I had scarcely entered the place when a voice addressed me from a dark corner of the kitchen, which was the room in which I first found myself. 'I see you, you old muddler,' was the phrase it employed.'
'Dashed familiar.'
'I need scarcely tell you what consternation it occasioned me. I bit my tongue severely. Then, divining that the speaker was merely a parrot, I hastened from the room. I had scarcely reached the stairs when I observed a hideous form. A little, short, broad, bow-legged individual with long arms and a dark, wizened face. He was wearing clothes of some description and he walked rapidly, lurching from side to side and gibbering. In my present cool frame of mind I realize that it must have been a monkey, but at the time ...'
'What a home!' I said sympathetically. 'Add little Seabury, and what a home! How about the mice?'
'They came later. Allow me, if you will, to adhere to the chronological sequence of my misadventures, or I shall be unable to relate the story coherently. The room in which I next found myself appeared to be completely filled with small dogs. They pounced upon me, snuffling and biting at me. I escaped and entered another room. Here at last, I was saying to myself, even in this sinister and ill-omened house, there must be peace. Mr Wooster, I had hardly framed the thought when something ran up my right trouser leg. I sprang to one side, and in so doing upset what appeared to be a box or cage of some kind. I found myself in a sea of mice. I detest the creatures. I endeavoured to brush them off. They clung the more. I fled from the room, and I had scarcely reached the stairs when this lunatic appeared and pursued me. He pursued me up and down stairs, Mr Wooster!'
I nodded understandingly.
'We all go through it,' I said. 'I had the same experience.'
'You?'
'Rather. He nearly got me with a carving knife.'
'As far as I could discern, the weapon he carried was more of the order of a chopper.'
'He varies,' I explained. 'Now the carving knife, anon the chopper. Versatile chap. It's the artistic temperament, I suppose.'
'You speak as if you knew this man.'
'I do more than know him. I employ him. He's my valet.'
'Your valet?'
'Fellow named Brinkley. He won't be my valet long, mind you. If he ever simmers down enough for me to get near him and give him the sack. Ironical, that, when you come to think of it,' I said, for I was in philosophic mood. 'I mean, do you realize that I'm giving this chap a salary all this time? In other words, he's actually being paid to chivy me about with carving knives. If that's not Life,' I said thoughtfully, 'what is?'
It seemed to take the old boy a moment or two to drink this in.
'Your valet? Then what is he doing in the Dower House?'
'Oh, he's a mobile sort of fellow, you know. Now here, now there. He flits. He was at the Hall not long ago.'
'I never heard of such a thing.'
'New to me, too, I must confess. Well, you're certainly having a lively night. This'll last you, what? I mean, you won't need any more excitement for months and months and months.'
'Mr Wooster, my earnest hope is that the entire remainder of my existence will be one round of unruffled monotony. To-night I have seemed to sense the underlying horror of life. You do not suppose that there could possibly be mice on my person still?'
'You must have shaken them off, I should say. You were pretty active, you know. I could only hear you, of course, but you seemed to be leaping from crag to crag, as it were.'
'Certainly I spared no effort to elude this man Brinkley. It was merely that I fancied I felt something nibbling at my left shoulder blade.'
'You've had quite a night, haven't you?'
'A truly terrible night. I shall not readily recover a normal tranquillity of mind. My pulse is still high, and I do not like the way my heart is beating. However, by a merciful good fortune, all has ended well. You will be able to give me the shelter I so sorely need in your cottage. And there with the assistance of a little soap and water I shall be able to wash off this distasteful blacking.'
I saw that this was where I had to start breaking things gently to him.
'You can't get that stuff off with soap and water. I've tried. You have to have butter.'
'The point strikes me as immaterial. You can provide butter, no doubt?'
