Life and Death are Wearing Me Out

As I stood in the morning sun on that first day of the year, I kept digging in my hooves to keep from falling over. Then I took my first step as a donkey, thus beginning an unfamiliar, taxing, humiliating journey. Another step; I wobbled, and the skin on my belly tightened. I saw a great big sun, a beautiful blue sky in which white doves flew. I watched Lan Lian help Yingchun back into the house, and I saw two children, a boy and a girl, both in new jackets, with cloth tiger-head shoes on their feet and rabbit-fur caps on their heads, come running in through the gate. Stepping over the door lintel was not easy for such short legs. They looked to be three or four years old. They called Lan Lian Daddy and Yingchun Mommy. Hee-haw, hee-haw- I did not have to be told that they were my children, the boy named Jinlong and the girl called Baofeng. My children, you cannot know how your daddy misses you! Your daddy had high hopes for you, expecting you to honor your ancestors as a dragon and a phoenix, but now you have become someone else’s children, and your daddy has been changed into a donkey. My heart was breaking, my head was spinning, it was all a blur, I couldn’t keep my legs straight… I fell over. I don’t want to be a donkey, I want my original body back, I want to be Ximen Nao again, and get even with you people! At the very moment I fell, the female donkey that had given birth to me crashed to the ground like a toppled wall.

She was dead, her legs stiff as clubs, her unseeing eyes still open, as if she had died tormented by all sorts of injustices. Maybe so, but it didn’t bother me, since I was only using her body to make my entrance. It was all a plot by Lord Yama, either that or an unfortunate error. I hadn’t drunk an ounce of her milk; the very sight of those teats poking out between her legs made me sick.

I grew into a mature donkey by eating sorghum porridge. Yingchun made it for me; she’s the one I can thank for growing up. She fed me with a big wooden spoon, and by the time I’d grown up, it was useless from being bitten so often. I could see her bulging breasts when she fed me; they were filled with light blue milk. I knew the taste of that milk, because I’d drunk it. It was delicious, and her breasts were wonderful. She’d nursed two children, and there was more milk than they could drink. There are women whose milk is toxic enough to kill good little babies. While she fed me she said, You poor little thing, losing your mother right after you’re born. I saw that her eyes were moist with tears, and could tell that she felt sorry for me. Her curious children, Jinlong and Baofeng, asked her, Mommy, why did the baby donkey’s mommy die? Her time was up, she said. Lord Yama sent for her. Mommy, they said, don’t let Lord Yama send for you. If he did, then we’d be motherless, just like the little donkey. So would Jiefang. She said, Mommy will always be here, because Lord Yama owes our family a favor. He wouldn’t dare disturb us.

The cries of newborn Lan Jiefang emerged from the house.

Do you know who Lan Jiefang – Liberation Lan – is? This Lan Qiansui, the teller of this tale, small but endowed with an air of sophistication, three feet tall yet the most voluble person you could find, asked me out of the blue.

Of course I know. Because it’s me. Lan Lian is my father, Yingchun is my mother. Well, if that’s the case, then you must have been one of our donkeys.

That’s right, I was one of your donkeys. I was born on the morning of the first day of 1950, while you, Lan Jiefang, were born in the evening of the first day of 1950. We are both children of a new era.

3

Hong Taiyue Rails at a Stubborn Old Man

Ximen Lu Courts Disaster and Chews on Bark

Much as I hated being an animal, I was stuck with a donkey’s body. Ximen Nao’s aggrieved soul was like hot lava running wild in a donkey shell. There was no subduing the flourishing of a donkey’s habits and preferences, so I vacillated between the human and donkey realms. The awareness of a donkey and the memory of a human were jumbled together, and though I often strove to cleave them apart, such intentions invariably ended in an even tighter meshing. I had just suffered over my human memory and now delighted in my donkey life. Hee-haw, hee-haw – Lan Jiefang, son of Lan Lian, do you understand what I’m saying? What I’m saying is, when, for example, I see your father, Lan Lian, and your mother, Yingchun, in the throes of marital bliss, I, Ximen Nao, am witness to sexual congress between my own hired hand and my concubine, throwing me into such agony that I ram my head into the gate of the donkey pen, into such torment that I chew the edge of my wicker feedbag, but then some of the newly fried black bean and grass in the feedbag finds its way into my mouth and I cannot help but chew it up and swallow it down, and the chewing and swallowing imbue me with an unadulterated sense of donkey delight.

In the proverbial blink of an eye, it seems, I am halfway to becoming an adult, which will bring an end to the days when I was free to roam the confines of the Ximen estate. A halter has been put over my head and I have been tethered to a trough. At the same time, Jinlong and Baofeng, who have been given the surname Lan, have each grown two inches, and you, Lan Jiefang, born on the same day of the same month in the same year as I, are already walking. You waddle like a duck out in the yard. On a stormy day during this period, the family in the eastern addition has been blessed with the birth of twin girls. That proves that the power of the Ximen Nao estate has not weakened, since everyone seems to be having twins. The first one out was named Huzhu – Co-Operation – and her sister was called Hezuo – Collaboration. They are the offspring of Huang Tong, born from a union between him and Ximen Nao’s second concubine, Qiuxiang. The western rooms were turned over to my master, your father, after land reform; originally, it had been my first concubine, Yingchun’s, quarters. When the eastern rooms were given over to Huang Tong, the original occupant, Qiuxiang, apparently came along with them, and wound up as his wife. The main building of the Ximen estate, five grand rooms, now served as government offices for Ximen Village. It was where daily meetings were held and official business conducted. That day, as I was gnawing on a tall apricot tree, the coarse bark made my tender lips feel like they were on fire. But I was in no mood to stop. I wanted to see what was underneath. The village chief and Party secretary, Hong Taiyue, shouted and threw a sharp rock at me. It hit me in the leg, loud and irritating. Was that pain I felt? A hot sensation was followed by open bleeding. Hee-haw, hee-haw – I thought this poor, orphaned donkey was going to die. I trembled when I saw the blood, and hobbled from the eastern edge of the compound, as far away from the apricot tree as possible, all the way to the western edge. Right by the southern wall, in front of the door of the main building, a lean-to made of a reed mat over a couple of poles, open to the morning sun, had been set up to keep me out of the elements, and was a place to run to when I was frightened. But I couldn’t go there now, because my master was just then sweeping up droppings from the night before. I hobbled up and he saw that my leg was bleeding; I think he’d probably also seen Hong Taiyue throw the rock. When it was on its way, it cut through the colorless air, making a sound like slicing through fine silk or satin, and struck fear into the heart of this donkey. My master was standing in front of the lean-to, a man the size of a small pagoda, washed by the sunlight, half his face blue, the other red, with his nose as the dividing line, sort of like the division between enemy territory and the liberated area. Today that figure of speech sounds quaint, but at the time it was fresh and new. “My poor little donkey!” my master cried out in obvious agony. Then his voice turned angry. “Old Hong, how dare you injure my donkey!” He leaped over me and, with the agility of a panther, got up into the face of Hong Taiyue.

Hong was the highest-ranking official in Ximen Village. Thanks to a glorious past, when all other Party cadres were turning in their weapons, he wore a pistol on his hip. Sunlight and the air of revolution reflected off his fancy brown leather holster, sending out a warning to all bad people: Don’t do anything reckless, don’t harbor evil thoughts, and don’t think of resisting! He wore a wide-brimmed gray army hat, a button-down white jacket, cinched at the waist by a leather belt at least four inches wide, and a gray lined jacket draped over his shoulders. His pants ballooned over a pair of thick-soled canvas shoes, with no leggings. He looked like a member of an armed working team during the war. During that war, I was Ximen Nao, not a donkey. It was a time when I was the richest man in Ximen Village, a time when Ximen Nao was a member of the enlightened gentry, someone who favored resistance against the invaders and supported progressive forces. I had a wife and two concubines, two hundred acres of fine land, a stable filled with horses and donkeys. But Hong Taiyue, I say, you, Hong Taiyue, what were you then? A typical lowlife, the dregs of society, a beggar who went around banging on the hip bone of a bull ox. It was sort of yellow, rubbed shiny, with nine copper rings hanging from the edge, so all you had to do was shake it gently for it to produce a huahua langlang sound. Holding it by the handle, you haunted the marketplace on days ending in 5 and 0, standing on the cobblestone ground in front of the Yingbinlou Restaurant, face smeared