liquor. Her face reddened slightly as she threw down the bird’s nest and took off to who-knows-where like a little whirlwind. It was my first visit to my wife’s house. She said her mother wanted to show off her culinary skills, and I was surprised and perplexed to see her fling the bird’s nest away like that and just walk off. But the old man said, Never mind, she’ll be back. She knows swallow’s nests as well as I know liquor. We’re both top in our fields.
As my father-in-law predicted, my mother-in-law returned before long. Having removed all the impurities from the nest, she made some bird’s nest soup for us. My father-in-law and my wife refused to drink any; he said it smelled like chicken shit, she said that, given the smell of blood, it was a bowl of heartless soup replete with extreme cruelty, emblematic of the fact that human beings are the source of all evil. My wife, who has a heart filled with abundant love, was applying for membership in the Worldwide Animal Protective League in Bonn. At the time my mother-in-law said, Little Li, don’t pay any attention to these fools. Their so-called love of humanity is a sham. Confucius said that a gentleman should stay away from the kitchen, but he never had a meal without meat sauce. One must be meticulous about fine food and choice meats. When he accepted students, he demanded ten packets of dried meat in lieu of tuition. If they don’t want any, that’s fine, let’s drink ours. My mother-in-law said, We Chinese have been eating swallows’ nests for a thousand years. It’s the most valuable tonic in the world. Don’t underestimate its nutritional value just because it’s ugly, for it can aid a child’s growth and development, maintain a woman’s youthful appearance, and prolong an old man’s life. Not long ago, a Professor Ho of Hong Kong’s Chinese University discovered an ingredient in swallows’ nests that prevents and cures AIDS. If she ate swallow’s nest, my mother-in-law said, pointing to my wife, she wouldn’t look like she does. To which my wife replied angrily, I’d rather look like this than eat
Unstintingly, my mother-in-law continued my education on swallows’ nests. After dealing with their nutritional value she moved on to preparation, which didn’t interest me much. What did interest me was the story she told of gathering swallows’ nests, the story of her family, her story.
My mother-in-law was born into a family with a long history of gathering swallows’ nests. When she was still in her mother’s womb, she heard the painful chirpings of the swallows and absorbed the nutrients of their nests. Her mother was a gluttonous woman whose appetite grew even more rapacious when she was pregnant. She often ate swallows’ nests behind her husband’s back and was never discovered, because she was so skilled at stealing food. My mother-in-law said her mother was born with a set of teeth that were harder than steel, teeth that could chew through tough dry swallows’ nests. She never stole a whole nest – her husband always kept count – but would skillfully gnaw off an inch or so from the bottom of each nest where it had been scarred by knives during removal, leaving undetectable marks. My mother-in-law said her mother ate nothing but the best ‘official nests,’ for those that hadn’t gone through the refinement process were the most nutritious. My mother-in-law said that all prized food items lose a significant amount of their nutritional content in the cooking process. Progress, she said, always comes at a cost. Humans invented cooking to please their taste buds, and sacrificed their fierce, brave nature. The reason Eskimos who live near the North Pole have such strong bodies and the ability to endure extreme cold is unquestionably tied to the fact that they eat raw seal meat. If one day they master the complicated and delicate culinary techniques of the Chinese, they will no longer be able to live there. My mother-in-law’s mother ate a great amount of raw swallows’ nests, so my mother-in-law was a healthy newborn with dark black hair and pink skin, a voice far louder than any baby boy, and four teeth in her mouth. Her father, being a superstitious man who believed that a newborn baby with teeth will bring bad luck to the family, dumped my mother-in-law outside in the weeds. It was the middle of winter. Although it’s never terribly cold in Guangdong, the December nights can still be bone chilling. My mother-in-law slept through the night there in the weedy cold, and survived, which changed her father’s mind; he carried her back into the house.
According to my mother-in-law, her mother was very pretty; according to my mother-in-law, her father was born with bushy downward-slanting eyebrows, deep-set eyes, a flat nose, thin lips, and a goatee on his pointy chin. My mother-in-law’s father was older than his years and skin and bones due to long hours of climbing steep hills and squeezing between cliffs, while her mother sneaked nutritious swallows’ nests daily, which gave her a rosy complexion and fair skin from which water could be squeezed, like lilies in June. When my mother-in-law was a year old, her mother ran off to Hong Kong with a swallows’-nests merchant, so my mother-in-law was raised by her father. She said that after her mother ran off, her father cooked a swallow’s nest for her every day; it’s safe to say that she grew up on swallows’ nests. My mother-in-law said she didn’t have a single bite of swallow’s nest when she was pregnant with my wife, because that was in the early sixties, when life was so difficult. Which is why my wife looks like a black monkey. My wife would improve if she ate swallows’ nests, but she refuses. Still I knew it would have been difficult even if she’d wanted some, because my mother-in-law had only been director of the Gourmet Section of the Culinary Academy for a short while, and it would have been virtually impossible to acquire any swallow’s nest prior to assuming the directorship. The inferior swallow’s nest she made for me had not come through normal channels, which showed that she was quite fond of me, fonder than my wife was. I married my wife in part because her father was a teacher who had been good to me, and one of the major factors keeping me from divorcing my wife has been my affection for my mother-in-law.
By drinking swallow’s nest soup and eating baby swallows, my mother-in-law grew into a strong, healthy child. At the age of four, her height and intelligence reached the level of a normal ten-year-old, and she was convinced that her swallows diet was the reason. My mother-in-law said that, in some respects, she was nurtured and raised by male swallows and their precious saliva, since her own mother was afraid to breast-feed her, given the presence of the four teeth with which she was born. “What kind of mammal would do that?’ she said grudgingly. She contended that humans were the cruelest, most ruthless mammals of all, for only a human would refuse to breast- feed her own baby.
My mother-in-law’s family lived in a remote corner of the southeastern coast. On clear days, she sat on the beach, within sight of the shadowy, steel-green islands whose giant, rocky caves were home to the swallows. Most of the villagers were fishermen; only my mother-in-law’s father and six uncles gathered swallows’ nests for a living, as had their ancestors. It was a dangerous, profitable occupation. Most families couldn’t have managed it even if they’d wanted to. That is why I stated earlier that my mother-in-law grew up in a swallows’-nests gathering family.
My mother-in-law said her father and uncles were all strong, exceptionally fit men without an ounce of fat, nothing but lean, protein-rich, ruddy-colored muscles that looked as if they were twisted hemp. Anyone with muscles like that must be more than an ape. Her father actually kept two apes, which he called their teachers. During the off seasons, her father and uncles lived on the income from nests collected the previous year, while making preparations for the next round of nest-gathering. Nearly every day, they took the apes up the mountain and had them scale cliffs and climb trees while they themselves imitated the actions. My mother-in-law said that some nest-gatherers on the Malay Peninsula had tried to train apes to gather nests, but weren’t very successful. The apes’ unreliability affected production. She said that even in his sixties, her father was agile as a swallow and could climb slippery bamboo stalks like a monkey. In any case, due to their genes and to their training, everyone in my mother-in-law’s family was adept at scaling cliffs and climbing trees. My mother-in-law said that the most outstanding climber was her youngest uncle, who, with skills like a gecko, could climb a cliff several meters high, bare-handed, without the help of any equipment, in pursuit of swallows’ nests. She said she’d nearly forgotten what the other uncles looked like, but clearly remembered this uncle. His body was covered with aging skin like fish scales; he had a lean, dry face, in which two deep-set blue eyes reflected sparkles of melancholy.
My mother-in-law said she was seven years old the first summer she accompanied her father and uncles to the
