way to Elizabeth, kissed her hand, made sure Dun saw the proprietary gesture, and took a seat on Lizzy’s other side. The Lieutenant-Colonel, who was rather amused by the man’s possessiveness, considered tormenting Darcy but instead decided to demonstrate his good nature to Miss Lucas.
“Mr. Darcy, please accept my congratulations on having won the hand of a most remarkable woman. You are carrying away one of the country’s brightest jewels, but I need not tell you Miss Elizabeth is a diamond of the first water and a cut above the rest. Fortunately, I am a man who can also appreciate the value of a diamond in the rough.” Dun cast an appreciative glance at Miss Lucas and continued, “Colonel Fitzwilliam, my heartfelt congratulations to you as well, sir. You are both very fortunate gentlemen.”
His superior officer assured him it was true and said, “You need not worry that Mr. Bennet has cast pearls before swine, you know.”
Darcy added, “Indeed, rather than being trampled underfoot, our brides shall be put on pedestals.”
Dun, who still harboured lingering resentment toward Darcy, decided to get in a snide remark after all. “I would certainly be wary of men who put women on pedestals. They may only want to look up their skir … ” He suddenly remembered they were in mixed company. “ … to look up to them and p-raise them to the skies. I would much rather have my bride walk beside me and share my life than spend her time on a pedestal.” Again he cast a fond look toward Miss Lucas.
Mr. Bennet had had enough, so he changed the subject by addressing his son. “What are you doing so secretly at the desk there, young sir?”
“It ith no thecret, Papa. I am writing a thtory.”
“Excellent, Robert! You write uncommonly fast, though. Pray tell us what your story is about, poppet.”
“I do not know, Papa. I cannot read yet.”
The room’s occupants chuckled, and Mr. Bennet continued, “Well, do not let that stop you. To quote Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, ‘Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it; boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.’”
At that moment, Sharp appeared again in the doorway, this time somewhat rattled. The master of the house sharply inquired, “Yes, man, what is it?”
“A visitor, sir. A Lady Catherine de Bourgh is in the foyer deman … asking to see her nephew, Mr. Darcy. Shall I … Ah, here is the lady now, sir.”
She entered the room with an air more than usually ungracious, made no reply to salutations other than a slight inclination of the head, and sat down without saying a word. Mr. and Mrs. Bennet were all amazement, and Sir William and Lady Lucas were obviously excited to be in the presence of a personage of such high importance. With great civility, Mrs. Bennet begged her ladyship to take some refreshment; however, upon being informed there was no fruitcake available, the offer of eating anything else was very resolutely, and not very politely, declined. Lady Catherine did, nevertheless, condescend to accept a glass of sherry; and Baines, who was on duty in the sitting room, was aggrieved and aghast when the woman repeatedly beckoned for refills during her visit. The shocked servant was somewhat relieved to receive surreptitious instruction from Colonel Fitzwilliam to forthwith water down his aunt’s potent wine.
After sitting for several moments in silence, the inebriated Lady Catherine very stiffly spoke to her Darcy nephew. “I hope you are will, Fishwelliam. Yet I am mosht shocked, ashtonished, and sherioushly dishpleashed with your shishter, Anna. I expected to find a reashonable young woman; however, I had to shpend a full half flower of weeding … (ahem) half hour of wheedling before she would divulge your deshtination. Anna ought to have known I am not to be truffled with. I went to your home with the dead-ermined … (ahem) determined resholution of carrying my porpoise … (ahem) purpose, and I would not be dishwaded from it. I have not been used to shubmitting to any pershon’sh whim, and I have not been in the hobbit of braking … (ahem) habit of brooking dishappointment. I inshishted on being shatishfied and would not go awry until she finally volunteered the information mosht unwillingly. I am ashamed of her! Anna should have more reshpect for her eldersh. From whom ish she picking up shuch mad bannersh … (ahem) bad manners?” Lady Catherine cast narrowed eyes around to each of the room’s occupants while she took another healthy swig of sweet sherry. “I asshumed the gosship in the paper wash all a lack of piesh … (ahem) pack of lies. But that lady, I shupposhe, ish your intended, the one hearing bedding wellsh … (ahem) wedding bells.” She cannily pinpointed Elizabeth with her pointy cane.
Darcy very concisely verified the identification.
“And that woman, Rishard, I shuposhe is yoursh.” Again, she accurately singled out her other nephew’s betrothed by indicating Jane with the now wildly wavering walking stick. The fact the couple had been found fondling one another’s ungloved hands had handily helped the stewed shrew’s shrewd sighting.
“Yes, Aunt. This is Miss Jane Bennet, and I am overjoyed she will soon become a part of our family.”
Lady Catherine snorted in a most unladylike manner and tossed back another glass of watered-down sherry. While the adults in the overcrowded room felt awkward and uncomfortable being witness to the woman’s shocking behaviour, Robert was intrigued by the elderly visitor. He scrambled down from his seat, crossed the room, and stood in front of her. The woman’s glazed expression suddenly brightened. “Heaven and earth, look at you! Cute ash a bug! Who are you, little one? What ish your name? Who are your father, mother, aunts, and uncles?”
“I am Robert Bennet, ma’am.” The little boy bowed and then said, “You have the same name as Caffrin. But we call her Kitty. We have a kitty named Cato. But Papa calls him Bad-Cat! Why are you called Lady Caffrin der Bug? You are
Once again Robert’s words caused embarrassment amongst the grownups; and those who knew, or knew of, Lady Catherine de Bourgh were frozen in place waiting for an explosion. When the eruption occurred, it was not the sort expected; for the woman threw back her head and howled … with laughter. She thumped her cane, stomped her feet, and thrust her empty glass at Baines so she could repeatedly slap her palm on the chair’s armrest. Tears rolled down her cheeks, and she struggled to catch her breath. But when Darcy, the Colonel, and Mrs. Bennet all rushed to her aide, she waved them away.
“Mama? What is wrong wiff Lady Caffrin der Bug?”
“Come along, poppet. Jane, please ring for Alice to take Robert to the nursery.”
“I will take him, Mama.” Jane scooped up her bewildered brother into her arms. The attention turned back to the esteemed visitor, who was by then snoring softly with her chin resting on her chest. No one noticed the Colonel slip out of the room to follow his fiancée.
Lieutenant-Colonel Dun chose to take his leave during the lull in conversation, but not before first asking permission from Sir William to call upon his daughter while they were staying in London. His request was granted; Dun promised to visit Miss Lucas the next day, bowed, and said his goodbyes.
To Darcy it appeared that, had his aunt set out to ridicule herself as much as she could during the afternoon, it would have been impossible for her to play her part with more spirit or finer success. At least the Bennet family was not of the sort to be much distressed by the folly. Mrs. Bennet looked at her mortified future-son-in-law and asked, “What shall we do, Mr. Darcy? Should we awaken her?”
“I am unsure. I have never before, in my entire life, known my aunt to laugh. I do believe the unaccustomed outburst has quite exhausted her. She is sleeping like a log, so I suggest we just let sleeping logs die … Pardon me! I meant sleeping dogs … er, aunts … um … ”
They were spared having to make any uncomfortable decision by the arrival of Lady Catherine’s nearest relation in the world. Anne de Bourgh entered the room in company with the man rumoured to be courting her; and after the necessary introductions, the two gently roused the lady, spoke softly, and induced her to drink a potion from the bottle Anne had recently begun to carry in her reticule at her suitor’s insistence.
Darcy was appalled and intrigued. “Bingley, for God’s sake, what on earth are you doing, man?”
“I am not doing this for God’s sake, Darcy, but for Anne’s, I mean Miss de Bourgh’s. Her mother, as you are very well aware, can be quite an ogress and has made her daughter’s life miserable at times. I have been all over town these past few days consulting with various physicians, and it has been recommended we give Lady Cat a tonic.”
The befuddled woman looked up and, in vino veritas, said, “My bear Mr. Ding, how pleashant it ish to shee you again. And you brought my gritty pearl … (ahem) pretty girl with you too.” The woman beckoned her daughter
