Mr. Darcy Takes the Plunge

Jane solved the problem by saying, “I shall not be joining the challenge but will decide the victor. I require a great deal of forethought before forming a pun. I am far too slow.” 

Quick as a wink, her fiancé was beside Jane; and when she looked up at him, Colonel Stud-muffin winked and whispered, “I disagree, love. I happen to know you are rather fast.” 

“Richard!” Jane hissed, “You are incorrigible.” 

“Only because you incorrige me, sweetheart.” 

Elizabeth shook her head and objected, “Jane, there is no way you are going to be impartial where the Colonel is concerned. I believe the only solution is to return home and have our father adjudicate.” 

Darcy doubted whether Mr. Bennet would be unbiased. Good God, what has this woman done to me? Here I am worried over such nonsense as a punnery contest ruling. Where is the old Fitzwilliam Darcy who would have scoffed at such folly? That perfectionist would never have lowered himself to partake in a situation where he could be ridiculed, and that poor man would have missed out on so much joy. 

His cousin was thinking along similar lines, and he marvelled at the fate that had so fortunately brought the Bennet ladies into their lives. Darcy had always been lively enough in company of his immediate family and very close friends but extremely reserved in public. Miss Elizabeth was perfect for him and had already been the cause of more smiles on Darcy’s face in the short months of their acquaintance than had ever been cracked in his entire life. Colonel Fitzwilliam knew instinctively Mr. and Mrs. Fitzwilliam Darcy’s marriage would be a benchmark of conjugal happiness, as would his own with dearest, loveliest Jane. 

Of course, once the five returned to the townhouse and explained the contest, Mr. Bennet wanted to participate rather than adjudicate. Lydia also insisted on being included, so straws were drawn to form teams and to determine which went first. Elizabeth was paired with Colonel Fitzwilliam, Lydia with Mr. Darcy, and Charlotte with Mr. Bennet. Their audience, consisting of Sir William, Lady Lucas, Mrs. Bennet, Jane, Mary, and Kitty, would decide the winning team by the volume and duration of applause each pun earned. 

Lydia and her partner went first. After consulting with Mr. Darcy, she stood and offered, “Sir Mount had a bad dream about his horse. It was a knight-mare.” This earned smiles and a polite round of applause for the little girl. Darcy was proud of Lydia, as she had come up with the premise on her own and just needed help with the phrasing. She reminded him so much of Lizzy, both in looks and temperament, that he felt he was being allowed a glimpse of what his betrothed would have been like at seven years of age. 

With his collaborator’s approval, Colonel Fitzwilliam, being a military man, stood at attention and pronounced, “When a knight in armour was killed in battle, his gravestone said ‘rust in peace.’” Predictably, Jane clapped the longest and loudest for her beloved fiancé and sister. 

Mr. Bennet held off and allowed Charlotte to fire their first salvo. “A knight put his arm- our ’round his lady.” Sir William and Lady Lucas hoped Lieutenant-Colonel Dun would be their daughter’s knight in shining armour and heartily applauded her choice. 

At Lydia’s nod of consent, Darcy smugly fired back, “A knight courting his lady wore a suit of amore.” Groans were heard amongst the sparse clapping, and he knew he would have to do better next round and avoid Italian words. 

Jane was jealously relieved when her sister stopped whispering close to Richard’s ear. Lizzy stood and proclaimed, “King Arthur had a Round Table so no one could corner him.” A smattering of applause and groans caused Elizabeth to sit back down in a huff. She crossed her arms, glared at her father, and silently challenged him. 

“Thank you, Lizzy, for mentioning that very special table. It made me think the knights facing each other at King Arthur’s Round Table disagreed a lot because they were diametrically opposed.” That pun initially went over all but Sir William’s head; and he was the only one to clap until the rest of the audience caught on and joined in the applause. 

Darcy was out of his depth and relied on his little companion. Luckily, Lydia remembered a recent discussion between their governess and Kitty; and she was able to put forth, “The Dark Ages were so named because there were so many knights.” The youngest member of the contest beamed as her audience clapped. 

Colonel Fitzwilliam thought his partner’s brilliant offering would put them in the lead, and the appreciative round of applause Miss Elizabeth received gratified him. Her pun was ‘Old knights in chain mail never die. They joust shuffle off their metal coils’. 

Lydia tugged on Mr. Darcy’s sleeve and asked him to explain. “It is a play on words from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Miss Lydia. The quote is: ‘What dreams may come, When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause.’ And I am afraid we will have to try very hard to top that pun, little one.” 

“But I still do not understand it, Mr. Darcy.” 

“Remember in the park, when you found the sparrow?” When Lydia nodded, he continued, “Well, the bird had divested itself of its mortal coil. It no longer needed its earthly body, because it had died. Do you understand?” Again she nodded; and Darcy smiled and said, “Good. We are to be brother and sister, you know. So you must never be afraid to approach me if you have a question. Now, let us hear what our other opponents are saying.” 

“Miss Lucas, do you happen to know which monarch of medieval England was famous because he spent so many knights at his Round Table writing books?” 

Charlotte clasped her hands under her chin and gazed in rapt wonder at her friend’s father. “Why, no! Oh, but please do enlighten us, Mr. Bennet.” 

“It was King Author, of course.” Their opponents thought the two were unfairly hamming it up, but the audience groaned and reluctantly clapped. 

Susanna Palmer, the housekeeper, tiptoed into the room, curtsied, and spoke softly to Mrs. Bennet, who then announced dinner would soon be served. “I have advised Mrs. Palmer to keep the first course of stew and biscuits warm until we end the final round. I suggest each team must now present two puns per turn, so we can finish here before we all shuffle off our mortal coils due to starvation.” 

Bloody hell, this is entirely too much pressure! Fiend seize it, as Bingley would say! Egad, why am I fretting over this inanity? Who would believe Fitzwilliam Darcy, heir to Pemberley, Northumbrella, and the famous Darcy fortune would be involved in such folly? The gentleman from Derbyshire looked around at his new family and realized he had never been happier, and he anticipated spending many more days and nights in such a manner. Knights! After a quick consultation with his teammate, he announced, “When those around King Arthur’s Round Table had insomnia, there were a lot of sleepless knights. So the straight-edged ruler decreed his men must, thereafter, practice joust at knight.” Darcy could not keep the smirk off his face as he sat down, crossed his arms, and stared defiantly at his wife-to-be while the audience cheered and clapped. There! Just try and trounce that trenchant triple treasure, Miss Lizzy Bennet. 

Elizabeth stared back and was determined to outwit her future husband. She and her resolute partner, Colonel Fitzwilliam, planned their strategy and launched their volley. “One evening, the roundest knight at King Arthur’s famous table, Sir Cumference, discovered Sir Lancelot’s moonshine operation; and together with his companions, they shattered the still of the knight.” 

Applause was loud and long; but when it finally petered out, Mr. Bennet and Miss Lucas were ready to retaliate. The gentleman allowed the young lady to present the final pun of the competition. “When King Arthur found out about Queen Guinevere and Sir Lancelot, he knew how to deal with the sworded truth. He banished Sir Lancelot to Egypt, where the disgraced knight opened a very successful camel-lot.” 

It was hard to determine whether the sustained applause was intended for that final pun or whether the audience clapped in appreciation of the end of such a pun-ishing contest. However, the six judges were all in agreement the challenge had clearly ended in a three-way draw; and Mrs. Bennet quickly shooed everyone out and into the dining room. Along the way she beckoned Lady Lucas aside and said, “I do not usually join in when Mr. Bennet, Lizzy, and Lydia are engaged in their silly wordplay. Be that as it may, I do have a couple of my own to add to today’s theme.” 

“Fanny, I know you do not share your naughty puns with your family. Pray tell, what do you have for me today?”