Starship Troopers

I worked out together, three days ago. So what slipped?”

Zim was slow in answering. “I think I had him tagged in my mind as one of the safe ones.”

“There are no such.”

“Yes, sir. But he was so earnest, so doggedly determined to sweat it out — he didn’t have any aptitude but he kept on trying — that I must have done that, subconsciously.” Zim was silent, then added, “I guess it was because I liked him.”

Frankel snorted. “An instructor can’t afford to like a man.”

“I know it, sir. But I do. They’re a nice bunch of kids. We’ve dumped all the real twerps by now — Hendrick’s only shortcoming, aside from being clumsy, was that he thought he knew all the answers. I didn’t mind that; I knew it all at that age myself. The twerps have gone home and those that are left are eager, anxious to please, and on the bounce — as cute as a litter of collie pups. A lot of them will make soldiers.”

“So that was the soft spot. You liked him … so you failed to clip him in time. So he winds up with a court and the whip and a B.C.D. Sweet.”

Zim said earnestly, “I wish to heaven there were some way for me to take that flogging myself, sir.”

“You’d have to take your turn, I outrank you. What do you think I’ve been wishing the past hour? What do you think I was afraid of from the moment I saw you come in here sporting a shiner? I did my best to brush it off with administrative punishment and the young fool wouldn’t let well enough alone. But I never thought he would be crazy enough to blurt it out that he’d hung one on you — he’s stupid; you should have eased him out of the outfit weeks ago … instead of nursing him along until he got into trouble. But blurt it out he did, to me, in front of witnesses, forcing me to take official notice of it — and that licked us. No way to get it off the record, no way to avoid a court … just go through the whole dreary mess and take our medicine, and wind up with one more civilian who’ll be against us the rest of his days. Because he has to be flogged; neither you nor I can take it for him, even though the fault was ours. Because the regiment has to see what happens when nine-oh-eight-oh is violated. Our fault … but his lumps.”

“My fault, Captain. That’s why I want to be transferred. Uh, sir, I think it’s best for the outfit.”

“You do, eh? But I decide what’s best for my battalion, not you, Sergeant. Charlie, who do you think pulled your name out of the hat? And why? Think back twelve years. You were a corporal, remember? Where were you?”

“Here, as you know quite well, Captain. Right here on this same godforsaken prairie — and I wish I had never come back to it!”

“Don’t we all. But it happens to be the most important and the most delicate work in the Army — turning unspanked young cubs into soldiers. Who was the worst unspanked young cub in your section?”

“Mmm …” Zim answered slowly. “I wouldn’t go so far as to say you were the worst, Captain.”

“You wouldn’t, eh? But you’d have to think hard to name another candidate. I hated your guts, ‘Corporal’ Zim.”

Zim sounded surprised, and a little hurt. “You did, Captain? I didn’t hate you — I rather liked you.”

“So? Well, ‘hate’ is the other luxury an instructor can never afford. We must not hate them, we must not like them; we must teach them. But if you liked me then — mmm, it seemed to me that you had very strange ways of showing it. Do you still like me? Don’t answer that; I don’t care whether you do or not — or, rather, I don’t want to know, whichever it is. Never mind; I despised you then and I used to dream about ways to get you. But you were always on the bounce and never gave me a chance to buy a nine-oh-eight-oh court of my own. So here I am, thanks to you. Now to handle your request: You used to have one order that you gave to me over and over again when I was a boot. I got so I loathed it almost more than anything else you did or said. Do you remember it? I do and now I’ll give it back to you: ‘Soldier, shut up and soldier!’”

“Yes, sir.”

“Don’t go yet. This weary mess isn’t all loss; any regiment of boots needs a stern lesson in the meaning of nine-oh-eight-oh, as we both know. They haven’t yet learned to think, they won’t read, and they rarely listen — but they can see … and young Hendrick’s misfortune may save one of his mates, someday, from swinging by the neck until he’s dead, dead, dead. But I’m sorry the object lesson had to come from my battalion and I certainly don’t intend to let this battalion supply another one. You get your instructors together and warn them. For about twenty-four hours those kids will be in a state of shock. Then they’ll turn sullen and the tension will build. Along about Thursday or Friday some boy who is about to flunk out anyhow will start thinking over the fact that Hendrick didn’t get so very much, not even the number of lashes for drunken driving … and he’s going to start brooding that it might be worth it, to take a swing at the instructor he hates worst. Sergeant— that blow must never land! Understand me?”

“Yes, sir.”

“I want them to be eight times as cautious as they have been. I want them to keep their distance, I want them to have eyes in the backs of their heads. I want them to be as alert as a mouse at a cat show. Bronski — you have a special word with Bronski; he has a tendency to fraternize.”

“I’ll straighten Bronski out, sir.”

“See that you do. Because when the next kid starts swinging, it’s got to be stop- punched — not muffed, like today. The boy has got to be knocked cold and the instructor must do so without ever being touched himself — or I’ll damned well break him for incompetence. Let them know that. They’ve got to teach those kids that it’s not merely expensive but impossible to violate nine-oh-eight-oh … that even trying it wins a short nap, a bucket of water in the face, and a very sore jaw — and nothing else.”

“Yes, sir. It’ll be done.”

“It had better be done. I will not only break the instructor who slips, I will personally take him ’way out on the prairie and give him lumps … because I will not have another one of my boys strung up to that whipping post through sloppiness on the part of his teachers. Dismissed.”

“Yes, sir. Good afternoon, Captain.”

“What’s good about it? Charlie—”

“Yes, sir.”

“If you’re not too busy this evening, why don’t you bring your soft shoes and your pads over to officers’ row and we’ll go waltzing Matilda? Say about eight o’clock.”

“Yes, sir.”

“That’s not an order, that’s an invitation. If you really are slowing down, maybe I’ll be able to kick your shoulder blades off.”

“Uh, would the Captain care to put a small bet on it?”

“Huh? With me sitting here at this desk getting swivel-chair spread? I will not! Not unless you agree to fight with one foot in a bucket of cement. Seriously, Charlie, we’ve had a miserable day and it’s going to be worse before it gets better. If you and I work up a good sweat and swap a few lumps, maybe we’ll be able to sleep tonight despite all of mother’s little darlings.”

“I’ll be there, Captain. Don’t eat too much dinner — I need to work off a couple of matters myself.”

“I’m not going to dinner; I’m going to sit right here and sweat out this quarterly report … which the Regimental Commander is graciously pleased to see right after his dinner … and which somebody whose name I won’t mention has put me two hours behind on. So I may be a few minutes late for our waltz. Go ’way now, Charlie, and don’t bother me. See you later.”

Sergeant Zim left so abruptly that I barely had time to lean over and tie my shoe and thereby be out of sight behind the file case as he passed through the outer office. Captain Frankel was already shouting, “Orderly! Orderly! ORDERLY!—do I have to call you three times? What’s your name? Put yourself down for an hour’s extra duty, full kit. Find the company commanders of E, F, and G, my compliments and I’ll be pleased to see them before parade. Then bounce over to my tent and fetch me a clean dress uniform, cap, side arms, shoes, ribbons — no medals. Lay it out for me here. Then make afternoon sick call — if you can scratch with that arm, as I’ve seen you doing, your shoulder can’t be too sore. You’ve got thirteen minutes until sick call — on the bounce, soldier!”

I made it … by catching two of them in the senior instructors’ shower (an orderly can go anywhere) and the third at his desk; the orders you get aren’t impossible, they merely seem so because they nearly are. I was laying out Captain Frankel’s uniform for parade as sick call sounded. Without looking up he growled, “Belay that extra duty.