Spring fancy

At six-thirty the next morning Joseph called again. 'Dammit, I didn't sleep a wink again last night! You are going to kill me yet, woman! Please tell me you aren't going to marry him.'

Judas priest, what a wonderful way to start the day-crying again! She made it through eight hours at the hospital and returned to her town house exhausted, but had barely flopped to her back in the middle of the living- room floor when the phone pealed, and it was her realtor, asking if she could leave the house around seven so he could show it. To a couple who'd seen it before-a hopeful sign, he finished. With a sigh she told the realtor where she could be reached, but just as she was leaving the house, Joseph called again.

'Joseph, I can't talk. I've got to get out of the house so the realtor can show it. And this is a good prospect, too, 'cause it's the second time this party is looking at it.'

He sounded desperate. 'Winn, don't you dare sell that house!'

She squeezed her forehead in an effort to stop the tears that immediately began stinging. 'Joseph, I have to go.'

'Winn, please, I love y-' he was barking into the phone when she tenderly hung it up. She drove to her mother's house because she couldn't think of anywhere else to go where the realtor could reach her.

Before she was two steps inside her mother's kitchen, Fern Gardner demanded, 'What in the world is wrong with you?'

'Nothing.'

'With eyes like those… who are you trying to fool?' Fern took a grip on her daughter's chin and inspected at close range. 'You look awful, dear.'

'Thank you, mother,' Winn replied sarcastically. A knowing glint came into Fern's eyes. 'Ah, you miss Paul, is that it?'

It was all Winn could do to keep from ruefully laughing. During the following hour, while Fern rambled on about how smoothly all the wedding preparations were going, Winn gritted her teeth and clamped her jaw. There were times when she wanted to scream at her mother to shut up. Finally she escaped to the bathroom, just to get away from the constant wedding prattle for a few minutes. There, locked in, she stared at herself in the mirror. Tell her, you coward, tell her! But the prospect of walking out there and dashing all her mother's bright hopes was daunting, to say the least. What are you waiting for, Gardner ? Your R.S.V.P.'s? Winn's stomach hurt. At times she felt light-headed, and often her palms sweated. It struck her that this horrendous misery bore all the same symptoms as love.

Out in the living room the phone rang. 'Winn, it's for you!' Fern called.

To Winn's dismay it was the realtor. He'd just received a firm offer on her house.

Winn, don't you dare sell that house! Winn, goddammit, I love you! Panic welled, and all of Winn's symptoms grew spontaneously worse. Stalling for time, she told the realtor she'd have to think about the offer and would get back to him either tonight or tomorrow. 'It's a good offer,' he reminded her. 'I wouldn't wait too long to accept it.' Winn hung up and stared at the wall.

'Did someone make an offer?'

'Yes.'

Fern threw her hands in the air. 'Hallelujah! It's as if fate stepped in just in the nick of time. Darling, I'm so happy for you and Paul.'

That did it. The tears burst forth like a geyser, and Winn fell back into an upholstered armchair, covering her face with both hands, sobbing uncontrollably.

Fern couldn't have been more amazed. 'Why, Winn, dear, what is it?' She bent to one knee and soothed the back of her daughter's head while the sobs shook Winn's shoulders.

'Oh, m-mother, it's the w-worst thing in the wo-world. It's so awf-awful that when I t-tell you, you're g-going to want to d-die.'

Fern's dread billowed. 'Are you sick? Is it some health problem or… or-'

Winn shook her head so hard the hair slashed Fern's face. Into her palms she sobbed, 'It's wo-worse!'

'What could be worse?'

Winn lifted her streaming eyes and ran the back of one hand under her nose. 'I c-can't m-marry Paul, mother. I d-don't love h-him.'

Fern looked stricken. She turned as gray as Jo-Jo's funeral truck. Her mouth slacked, and she fell back as if landed a blow in the chest. She pressed a hand to her heart and spoke in a strained reedy voice. 'You can't mean that!'

'I do. I mean every word of it.' Winn tore out of her chair, heading for the kitchen Kleenex, then turned to find her mother still on her knees on the floor, stunned. 'I don't love him, mother. I l-love somebody else.' Now that it was out, Winn felt almost exultant.

'Somebody else!' Fern's face hardened, and she lurched to her feet angrily. 'How dare you come to me three weeks before your wedding and tell me such a thing!'

'I don't know how I dare. It scared me all week, just thinking about it, but I decided it was either you or me, mother, and in the end I picked me.'

'And what does that mean-you or me?' Fern spit.

'Either I can make you happy or I can make me happy. Mother, can't you see it's really you who admires Paul, not me?'

Two high spots of color appeared in Fern's outraged cheeks. 'How dare you speak to me like that!'

Winn sighed and slumped. 'Mother, sit down, please. There are so many things we should have talked about during the last year that we never did. About Paul, and me… and you… and even Rita.'

Fern's chin snapped up. 'Rita? You mean his computer?'

'Yes, his computer. Sit down, mother, please.' At last Fern perched on the edge of the chair that matched Winn's. She crossed her knees stiffly and looked as if she'd just eaten a worm. 'Mother, Paul and I have only one thing in common that I can think of. Dancing. And he'd rather stay home and punch his computer keys than do that with me. It's you who has things in common with him, not me. I should have realized that when you first introduced him to me. Now I do, and I can't go through with this marriage and take him as surrogate husband to make up for the one you never had.'

Fern's lips pursed, but she refused to meet her daughter's eyes. 'Are you intimating that I chose Paul for you because I couldn't have him for myself?'

'In a way, yes, but-' Fern spit out a pent breath and rocketed from her chair, presenting her back. 'Not in a romantic way, mother, please understand. He's everything you ever wanted for me because he represents stability, security, all the things you had to fight for because you never had a husband. But those things aren't enough for me. I need someone who enjoys having fun, who laughs, who's physical, who… who…' Winn thought of Joseph, and it was as if a beam of sunshine shot into her head.

'I assume you think you've found him in this other man.'

'Maybe.'

Fern tossed a disdainful glance over her shoulder. 'And while you're deciding, what shall I do with all the guests who've been invited to your and Paul's wedding? What should I do with the gifts that have already started arriving here at the house? And the caterers and the flowers and the photographer and the gown?' With each succeeding word Fern's voice grew sharper and higher until she was nearly shrieking. 'Do you know how much money this extravaganza has cost me!'

'Not exactly,' Winn answered meekly, 'but I can imagine.'

Fern swung on her daughter, closing in. 'You don't get deposits back for those things, sweetheart!' she declared with a sting in each word.

'I know, mother. But I'll pay you back, I promise.'

It was silent for a moment, then Fern snorted and turned away. 'You'll pay me back.' She chuckled coldly. 'And you'll pay me back for the embarrassment I'll suffer every time I meet a friend on the street?'

'Mother, this isn't easy for me, either!'

'And what about Paul? Have you told him yet?'

'No.' For the first time Winn's voice softened. 'I'll tell him tomorrow. I'm picking him up at the airport.'

'What a wonderful welcome home for him,' Fern jeered.

Suddenly Winn felt sorry for her mother. 'Did losing my father turn you so hard and cynical that you can't be happy for me that I've at least made the discovery in time? Would you rather have had me marry Paul first and then