the barrel to his own head.
'Aw, Charlie, no, don't do that,' Stanley insisted. 'C'mon, man, there's no reason to give up. I know that life sucks sometimes, like it did for me after I sent those women away, but killing yourself is not the answer. Let's go somewhere and have a beer, just you and me, what do you say?'
'I say, see you in hell.'
'Okay, wait, wait.' Stanley turned around and glanced at the two security guards who were behind him, guns raised. 'You guys leave us alone. I'll take care of this.'
'We can't do that.'
'Fuck off, rent-a-cops, or I'll sue this crappy hotel!'
The security guards exchanged a concerned look, and then simultaneously shook their heads.
'Then could you lower your guns at least?'
After a bit of hesitation, the security guards lowered their weapons. Stanley turned back to Charlie. 'All right, Charlie, we're going to play a game. I want you to name five reasons that you're grateful to be alive.'
'Are you kidding me?'
'No. Give me five reasons.'
Charlie just stared at him.
'I'll give you two. You've got a son who loves you, and you have a really snazzy baseball cap. Now all you need is three more. Let's hear them.'
'I have nothing!'
'Do you have a dog?'
'No.'
'I'll buy you one if you put the gun down.'
Charlie's finger tightened on the trigger.
'No, no, don't kill yourself yet! Charlie, listen, I'll make you a deal. I don't want to get shot, but I'd rather have you shoot me than shoot yourself. So if you promise not to shoot yourself afterward, you can shoot me. Deal?'
'Huh?'
Stanley pulled open his shirt again. 'Right here in the chest. Let me have it.'
'Are you serious?'
'Totally serious. Shoot me in the chest. It's okay.'
Charlie slowly removed the gun from his head and pointed it at Stanley's chest. Stanley gritted his teeth, clenched his fists, and tried to make his left eye stop twitching.
'I…'
'You can't do it? No problem. Nobody will think less of you. Now let's go get that-'
'I'm sorry.'
Charlie pulled the trigger. The bullet knocked Stanley off his feet. Fiery pain tore through his chest as he struck the carpeted floor.
The security guards rushed forward as Charlie dropped the gun. They immediately subdued him, smashing him against the wall.
'You asshole!' Stanley shouted. 'You weren't really supposed to shoot me! That was a goodwill gesture! Shit!'
Stanley got to his feet, rubbing his chest. It hurt a hell of a lot worse than the last time, probably because he'd been shot at much closer range, and he felt dizzy and sick to his stomach.
Charlie looked over at him. 'You…you're…'
'Yeah, I'm alive, dipshit! You know why? Because I'm a goddamn zombie!'
Fresh tears began to stream down Charlie's face as the security guards wrenched his hands behind his back. 'You're a miracle!'
'No shit!' Stanley stumbled and fell back onto the floor. He was pretty sure the bullet had shattered his solar plexus, and he was pretty sure that wasn't a good thing.
'Don't worry, Stanley Dabernath!' Charlie shouted. 'I believe in your miracle, and I'm going to make sure the whole world believes in you!'
Stanley's vision faded to black.
Stanley awoke in his hotel room bed. Veronica, Martin, and Brant were there, as was Dr. Arnzin, who was currently hovering over him and prodding him with a small metal thingie.
'Ow,' said Stanley.
'Oh, good, you're awake,' said Dr. Arnzin. 'How do you feel?'
'Not delightful. What is that thing?'
'This? I use it to prod people.' Dr. Arnzin set the metal thingie aside. 'So you got yourself shot again, huh?'
'Yeah.'
'You'll be fine, but there was serious bone damage, and this one will take a while to heal. You'll have to be off your feet for a while.'
'What happened to Charlie?'
'Who?'
'Charlie. The guy who shot me.'
'They took him away,' said Brant. 'He was a lunatic.'
'Yeah, but…yeah, he was.'
'It looks like it was a rather busy night for you. How were the two tramps you lured back here?'
Stanley glanced over at Veronica to gauge her reaction. Was it jealousy or disgust? Looked more like disgust.
'We didn't do anything. I sent them away.'
'Really? I just assumed you were very quick about it.'
'Bite me.'
Brant chuckled. 'If you are able to find women of questionable sanity who are willing to give up their bodies, more power to you, I say. The benefits of celebrity are quite plentiful.'
'How about you go someplace else? Anyplace else. Just someplace that isn't here.'
'With pleasure. Fix him up nicely, Doctor.' Brant nodded politely and walked out of the room.
'I'm sorry,' Stanley told Veronica.
'For what?'
'You know. For the girls.'
Veronica seemed genuinely confused. 'Why would you apologize for that?'
'I'm…not sure.'
'I can't stop you from having sex, Stanley.'
'I didn't, though. I sent them away.'
'Uh-huh.'
'I did!'
'Oh, I'm sure you did. I'm sure you didn't say anything crude, sexist, adolescent, or disgusting that scared them off.'
'I didn't!'
'Uh-huh.'
'Veronica, look at me! Do you think that the kind of woman who would sleep with me is going to have problems with a disgusting comment?'
