The Heart of Memory

She sat in the chair across from his desk. “What’s on your mind?”

Had he been thinking, he wouldn’t have answered the way he did. But instead he made the mistake of being honest. “I was thinking about your book. Maybe we should hire a ghost writer, just to take some of the pressure off you.”

“A ghost writer? Are you serious? What-you think I can’t write anymore?”

“No, Van, it’s not that at all. Just, like I said, to help take the pressure off. I don’t doubt your ability, but I’ve seen how difficult it’s been for you to get going on it. We have a lot riding on this one; we have lots of bills to pay. The sooner we get it done, the better.”

She waved her hand. “That’s what savings are for, Shaun. I know you like to have that safety net; this is when it’s okay to dip into it.”

“Well, between the medical bills and Jessie’s tuition, our savings aren’t going to cut it.” He knew better than to tell her they had none.

“So this is all on me then? It’s up to me to save us, is that what you’re saying? Ha-no pressure or anything.”

He winced at the bitterness in her tone. “No, Van, that’s not how I meant it. I’m just saying that… that God brought you this contract. He’s trying to provide a means for us to deal with these expenses, but we need to do our part.”

“You mean I have to do my part, as in, this is all on me - just like I said.” She crossed her arms, her expression steely. “So God throws an ‘opportunity’ at me and I don’t have a choice? I just have to take it? What if I don’t want it?”

“What do you mean, ‘throws’ an opportunity at you? You started the book on your own; it’s not like God was twisting your arm. If you didn’t want to write it you shouldn’t have told your agent about it.”

She pushed herself to her feet. “Well, regardless, I don’t feel like dealing with God and his opportunities right now.”

Shaun was confused. “What does that mean?”

But she was already halfway out the door, and if she heard him, she didn’t let on.

He stared at the doorway with his mouth hanging open. What was that about? He knew writing books wasn’t always her favorite thing to do-it was too solitary a task, and she hated the time it took away from relating face-to- face with people. But she knew it was part and parcel with being a speaker, and had always managed to soldier her way through the process anyway. Why was this book any different?

He certainly couldn’t go to bed now; he didn’t want to risk running into a steaming Savannah. He woke his computer, planning on returning a few emails he’d been putting off, but when he opened the program his mouth turned to cotton. Another email from her sat in the inbox. Fear won out and he closed the program without looking at the message. That was the last thing he wanted to think about. He’d read it tomorrow.

Maybe.

W HAT’S THAT AXIOM ABOUT THE best-laid plans? Or, even better- Man plans, God laughs. Well, if he’s laughing at this then he’s pretty cruel.

Those were the thoughts in Jessie’s head as Adam drove them back to school Sunday night. The weekend had been an absolute disaster. All her self-analyzing and resolutions aimed at improving things with Savannah had flown right out of her head during their first conversation. It was as though her mouth worked on autopilot. She hadn’t really wanted to fight, but the accusations came almost without her thinking them. Tears of practice, I suppose. An unfortunate form of muscle memory.

She’d kept herself out of sight for the rest of the weekend, spending as much time at Adam’s as she could. They needed the extra hands anyway, and it wasn’t like she was needed at home. Her dad worked most of the time, even on the weekend, and all her mother did was sit around on the computer-a new hobby, apparently. Jessie wondered if Savannah enjoyed the anonymity of internet forums as much as she did. She had actually been really curious about the forum Savannah was on, and would have liked to have talked with her about it. For once they had something in common. But she’d wrecked any chance of that with her opening salvo. Old habits die hard. Another fitting cliche

She’d just finished unpacking when her cell rang. Shaun’s name was on the screen. “Hey, Dad.”

“Hey yourself. Back at school?”

“Yeah, just a bit ago.”

“Didn’t get to see you much this weekend.”

Guilt tugged at her gut. “Yeah, I know. Adam’s family needed some help.”

“Well, I’m glad you could help them out. But I was hoping we’d get a chance to talk. I, um, heard you and your mother had an interesting conversation.”

Her defenses rose. “We talked, yes.”

“Sounds more like you ranted.”

“Seriously? You’re going to judge our whole conversation just from her view? That’s not fair.”

“I don’t really think it matters whose view it’s from, your mother doesn’t deserve to be called self- centered.”

“Even when it’s true?”

“Your mother is not self-centered. She’s focused.”

“Semantics, Dad.”

“Mind your tone, Jessie.”

She winced. “Sorry. But really, Dad, it’s not like I haven’t told you this stuff before. She just… I don’t know. And honestly, I was trying so hard to be agreeable, but it’s like my brain has these ruts from years of us butting heads, and the minute she says something that rubs me the wrong way I fall right into them and can’t get out. I end up arguing even though I don’t want to. Believe me – “ She swallowed back the lump that was forming in her throat. “I don’t want to fight with her. I don’t. And I really do want for us to get along. But it’s like it doesn’t matter what I do; it’s not gonna happen.”

His voice was softer when he spoke. “I understand, sweetheart. And I’m glad to hear that you’re trying and that you want things to change. They will. Change is hard, especially when the old way of doing things is so ingrained. Keep working at it, keep praying for a change of heart-it’ll come.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. And in the meantime, I think an apology would be a good idea.”

Her jaw dropped. “What?”

“You were pretty disrespectful, Jessie. And your mom is having a hard enough time right now.”

“Is she going to apologize to me?”

“Should we only apologize when we’re receiving an apology as well?”

“No, but that’s not the point.”

“Don’t worry about what your mother does or doesn’t do. Just do what you need to do.”

Anger made the tears start. “Yeah, I’ll think about it. Gotta go. Bye.” She ended the call and choked back a sob of frustration. This was not how she’d wanted to end her weekend.

She dialed Angie’s number. “Talk me down.”

“Uh oh. What happened?”

“Mom and I had a fight and Dad is totally taking her side and insisting I apologize, even though she isn’t going to apologize, as usual.”

“Oy. Details?”

Jessie laid out the conversation, sniffing her way through it and hating how hard it was to talk while crying.

“I’m so sorry, Jess,” Angie said when she finished her story. “I totally get why you’re so upset. But I think your dad is right.”

“What?!”

“Put on the big-girl panties and apologize. You know, that whole fifth commandment thing about honoring your parents.”

“I can’t believe you’re siding with my dad.”

“Oh, come on, Jess, you know I’m not siding with anyone. I really do get how angry you are, and I totally agree