The Heart of Memory

amount had been botched. The payee was listed as Carlie Stone. The amount in the box was $4000. The date was from last July.

Carlie Stone. Why do I know that name? She searched her memory, repeating it aloud, waiting for it to trigger something. Someone she met through A &A? No-someone who worked there. A short-lived administrative assistant, less than six months if she remembered correctly. They’d hired Brenda after that, three years ago.

Savannah put the check back into place and returned it, along with the other items, to the drawer. She shoved the top drawer in, then launched Shaun’s email client, hoping it was still what he used. The inbox contained messages from yesterday. Still in use! She entered Carlie Stone into the search box. A page’s worth of emails filed onto the screen. She scrolled down and opened the first one, dated September of 2006.

Don’t think I don’t know why I was fired. You are a liar, Shaun Trover. I’m plenty stable and I’m plenty competent. You’re the one who is sick in the head.

I want a thousand dollars by the end of the day on Friday. If it’s not here by then I’m going to tell Savannah we had an affair and tell her what you’re doing with A &A’s bank accounts.

Savannah’s hand trembled as she clicked the message that Shaun had written in reply.

This is blackmail, Carlie. This is illegal. And it’s not even true. We gave you a decent severance that you didn’t even technically qualify for, just be happy you have that and leave me alone.

Carlie’s next reply was a single sentence. You really want to test me?

Savannah opened each of the emails, which came at uneven intervals over the last few years. Sometimes months would go by, sometimes less than six weeks. At first she asked for the same amount every time, then starting last year the amount increased, until the most recent email asked for $10,000. Shaun’s response had been simple. I don’t have any money!!!

She hadn’t replied yet. He’d written her three weeks ago.

Savannah jumped when the front door closed. She’d spaced out, staring at the computer, feeling completely undone and not knowing what to do next. She scrambled to close the email client and was shutting the computer down when she heard Jessie call, “Mom?”

Relief flooded her. She went out to the foyer and saw her daughter looking as though she hadn’t slept in a week. Her cheeks were red, her hair damp at the temples. “I saw your bag.” Jessie nodded to the carry-on leaning against the wall. “I didn’t know you were coming home.”

“I just got in a bit ago. Last minute decision. Where were you so late at night?”

“Went for a run at the church’s gym.”

Savannah smiled. They actually did share something in common. “I didn’t know you ran.”

“Big surprise.”

Jessie turned to go upstairs. Savannah followed her. “Listen, Jessie, can we talk? I’ve had some revelations the last couple days, and one of them pertains to you.”

“Whatever.”

She followed her to her room and sat on the bed while Jessie sat on the floor and began to stretch. She didn’t make eye contact with Savannah at all, acted as though she wasn’t even in the room. Savannah decided to just forge ahead and see what happened. “I realized the other day I have a tendency to brush your troubles aside and not be very sympathetic. I tell you to buck up and get over it and don’t really give you the space you might need to deal with things the way you want to. And I don’t often give you a lot of encouragement or support. I guess… I guess I just wanted to make sure you knew how to take care of yourself, that you wouldn’t be one of those girls always looking for some boy’s shoulder to cry on. I wanted you to be independent and strong-and you are strong, but…” Savannah sighed. “Anyway, I hope you know what I’m trying to say.”

Jessie snorted. “And?”

“And?”

“All that and no apology. That’s pathetic, Mom.”

“Didn’t I just apologize?”

“No. There was nothing apologetic there but your tone, and after the last ten years I deserve a lot more than that.”

Savannah was wounded, but knew she’d earned that comment. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“Real heartfelt.”

“No, Jessica, listen: I’m really, really sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t more attentive to your frustrations, I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you the way you needed me to be, and… I’m sorry if you felt like you weren’t as important to me as A &A was.”

Jessie finally looked her in the eye, but her expression was anything but forgiving. “Buzz words. You’ve been talking to Dad.”

“Well… yes. But that doesn’t mean I’m not being honest. I know this doesn’t excuse it, but in my head, I was justifying the time I spent away from you because I thought the work I was doing at A &A would help make the world a better place for you. I was trying to reshape what it meant to be a Christian woman, trying to make it a better experience for women now and women in the future, like you. But I didn’t think about how your womanhood would be shaped by your childhood, and by how absent I was from it. I’m sorry.”

Jessie’s stare locked on Savannah’s for a moment more before she finally broke the connection and stood. “Shocker. You finally figured it out.”

“Yes, I did. And I’m here now and I want to do what I can to help. I know you don’t necessarily trust me right now, and I understand why. I won’t push you to share with me what’s going on, but I do want to know, and I do want to help if I can.”

Jessie eyed her warily. “Let me think about it. I’m going to go take a shower.”

“Go right ahead. Are you hungry? I’ll make us something to eat. Do you know when your father will be home?”

“No. I don’t even know where he is.”

“Alright then. Come on down when you’re ready; I’ll go cook something up.”

Savannah went downstairs, pride still smarting but feeling far more confident in the restoration of their relationship than she’d expected to be. She opened the cupboards, searching for comfort food, and was pleasantly surprised when she found what she was looking for.

Jessie appeared half an hour later, her hair still wet. “Waffles?”

“I always find carbs comforting.”

Savannah put a plate of two waffles in front of Jessie, along with a glass of milk. “So.”

“So.”

“Dad told me about Adam.”

Jessie’s eyes went to her plate and stayed there. “Yeah.”

“That was incredibly shallow of him.”

“I don’t know… I don’t feel like I can really blame him.”

“Why not?”

“Because it makes sense he’d be so hurt. And what if our roles had been reversed-would I really want to go see his parents, spend Christmas day with them, knowing they’d put you out of a job?”

Savannah was encouraged by how little judgment was in Jessie’s tone. “I understand his loyalty to his family, and what a tight spot this has put them in. Ministries operate very differently from businesses. The knowledge of a higher purpose involved and a shared belief system breaks down those formal, business-like walls that people tend to erect between themselves and their superiors. We were all like family at A &A; which was good. But when life happens and businesses fail, people need to realize it wasn’t done intentionally. Nothing personal was meant by it. Mistakes have been made that I’m just now finding out about, and those mistakes are part of what led to A &A’s demise. I don’t want to go into details,” she added when she saw Jessie look up with curiosity, “because I want to make sure I’ve got all my facts straight-and I need to talk to your father to do that. But point being-Adam should have known our family better than to think we’d ever hurt his family – or anyone – on purpose. We didn’t ‘screw them over.’ The money ran out and we had to close down.”

Jessie nodded a little as she cut her waffle across the gridlines. “I guess that makes some sense. I’m just… I’m mad at God that all this happened. I don’t see how any of this can turn out well.”