unfolding.”
Jessie sniffed as a fresh wave of tears welled in her eyes. “Thanks, Gayle.”
“Of course, sweetheart. Drive safely, okay? You’re sure you’re alright?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Alright then. And listen, you can crash my breakfast anytime.”
Jessie gave her another hug. “I’ll remember that.”
Gayle’s eyes twinkled. “Just, you know, wear some real clothes next time.”
SAVANNAH AWOKE TO THE NEIGHBOR’S dog barking. The clock on the nightstand read 7:04. Her mind began to churn, and she knew there was no point in attempting more sleep. She pulled the down comforter over her head, burrowing beneath the sheets. She wanted to hide and never come out-or, even better, to just go back to Georgia. She was done – with her marriage, with everything. She was beginning to feel a lot more empathy with Charlie. And now she had something to share in group therapy at The Refuge. Lucky her.
Then she realized she’d never heard Jessie come in. She’d heard Shaun come home, heard him shuffle down the hall to their bedroom and shut the door without even trying to do it quietly. But Jessie, whose room was next door to the guest bedroom where Savannah had slept, had either been extremely quiet or else had never come home.
She got up and tiptoed out, hoping to avoid Shaun until she figured out what her response to him was going to be. Jessie’s door was still open. She searched the room briefly, looking for the pajamas she’d been wearing when she’d left. They weren’t there.
It didn’t matter how done she was with Shaun, she couldn’t leave and risk losing the tenuous connection she had to Jessie. She had to go find her.
She went downstairs and made coffee while inhaling a bowl of cereal. The problem was, she didn’t actually know where to go to find her daughter. Not the college, obviously, but other than that she could be anywhere. Who were her friends outside of Adam and people on campus? She didn’t know. Where did she hang out when she was home? Again, she had no idea.
She poured the coffee in a travel mug and went to the car. Her brain felt muddled. She longed for the orchard, to walk between the trees and have so much space to think.
She pulled out of the garage and headed to the northbound freeway. She’d gone running at a state-protected open space north of the city once a few years back; that would have to do.
It was close to eight by the time she found her way to a parking spot in a gravel lot beside a stone sign proclaiming Greenland Open Space. More cars were there than she’d expected. She got out and saw a group not too far up the path, comprised mostly of children and a few women. As she neared them she noticed the children – probably between 8 and 10 years old-had notebooks in hand and were writing things down as they saw them along the path. One of the mothers was talking about the kinds of animals that lived in the open space. Savannah deduced it was a homeschooling group.
She skirted them, moving quickly so no one would notice the tears on her cheeks. She had homeschooled Jessie for a couple years. But then A &A had come into existence and she’d put her in school so she could work. How different would things be now had she not made that sacrifice? Even if she’d pursued A &A, but had made a way to school Jessie as well, would they have butted heads all the time, made each other crazy? Or would they have grown together, learning about each other, how to relate to each other, to talk together. Savannah had a feeling she’d at least know now where to look for her daughter.
Thoughts of the other sacrifices she’d made began to fill her mind. Quality time with her husband. Anonymity. Closer friendships with her girlfriends. She’d never considered herself a go-getter, the kind of person who would stop at nothing to achieve what she wanted. And yet she had. Not with the ruthless, heartless ambition of the corporate world, but with passion and conviction to the exclusion of all else, which she easily justified because in the end it was all for God.
Her anger began to take on a new form. It was aimed at herself. Why hadn’t she counted the cost to her family? Why hadn’t she given herself more margin, insisted on more boundaries? Had she really thought the two people most precious to her would escape unscathed?
Her anger needed an outlet. She walked faster, not with the same intent that had driven her in the orchard, but simply to burn off the energy that fueled her anger. Her thoughts formed themselves as conversation as she picked up speed.
Why didn’t you stop me? Why didn’t you open my eyes? What kind of God lets people do such stupid things in his name? And the last couple years, when it wasn’t about you anymore, but all about me, you should have stopped me. If you’re real, that is.
Then it dawned on her: He had. The days before the surgery came back to her – the mourning, the remorse, the repentance.
Okay, so maybe you did. Maybe. I’m not entirely convinced that wasn’t just my own guilt preying on my weakened emotional state. But then why did all the rest of this happen?
Well, I guess Shaun’s actions are his own, and A &A just got caught in the crossfire. Along with me. And Jessie. So what does that mean, exactly? That A &A wasn’t doing a good job? That the ministry was pointless- or that it was actually offensive to you? And I have serious issues with the fact that you let this happen to all the great people we worked with. None of this was their fault. How could you do this to them?
Her feet pounded the pavement, slower than their old jogging rhythm, but steady. Her body still felt awkward in exercise, but the effect it had on her mind was the same. Her next clinic appointment was in two days. She wondered what the stress test would show, what they’d say if they knew she was exerting herself so much.
And what’s the deal with all this cellular memory stuff? Is that what it really is? Or am I out of my mind? After reading Dr. Pearsall’s book, I have to admit I’m a believer. I just wish more people were so I didn’t sound like a lunatic. And if you designed our bodies to work this way, then you really should have designed an off switch.
She slowed herself when the path curved, not wanting to go too far in case something happened to her heart. She turned around and started to walk back, squinting into the sun.
Look, wherever Jessie is, can you please take care of her? I have a hard time believing she’d do something stupid and get herself in trouble, but she was upset and not thinking clearly. Get her home safely. Or help me find her.
She stopped walking as the impact of her words caught up with her. Had she actually been praying? She took a mental inventory. She was still angry with herself, but toward God the feeling had faded from disgruntled irritation to simple doubt-Was he real? Was he listening? Did he care?
She never would have guessed that doubt could make her so happy.
SAVANNAH SNUCK INTO THE HOUSE, easing the door shut and grabbing her carry-on that was still leaning against the wall. She brought it up to the guest bedroom, alert for signs that Shaun was around. His car was still in the garage, but perhaps he was out for a run. She slipped into the guest bathroom and showered, enjoying the ache of her muscles from the exercise. Just one more piece of the old Savannah coming back into focus. Hopefully it wouldn’t be the last.
When she was dressed, she went back downstairs and ran smack into Shaun as he came out of the kitchen. She glowered at him, then sidestepped him without a word and went to the kitchen for some lunch.
“Jessie came in just after you got in the shower,” he said.
Relief washed over her. “Good. She texted me just before I came home, saying she was alright. Hadn’t said when she’d be home, though. Thank you for telling me.” She pulled out the ingredients for a stir fry, ignoring the sounds that told her Shaun had followed her.
“Savannah, I just want to say again how sorry I am.”
“Save it. I’m not ready to talk about this again with you.”
Zucchini, broccoli, carrots, cabbage. She chopped with vigor, keeping her back to him and trying to fill the silence with her cooking. She could have made something less labor-intensive, but it gave her something else to think about and an outlet for her antsy energy.
Shaun, however, wasn’t ready to give up. “So what now?”
Chop, julienne, shred. “I don’t know, Shaun.” And she didn’t. She felt betrayed. Shaun was like a stranger to her. What could she realistically expect of herself in such a situation? Leaving the marriage certainly felt like a justifiable option, even if she wasn’t ready to admit it.
But as she dropped the vegetables into the wok, it dawned on her that Shaun had likely felt the same way after
