The Heart of Memory

she’d changed so much. And he hadn’t left.

“I’m just… not ready to forgive you yet.” She hoped he would catch the fact that she wasn’t ruling it out entirely.

“I understand,” he said quickly. “I wouldn’t expect you to be.”

She whisked soy sauce and cornstarch in a bowl, set it aside. “I had an idea while I was out. I’d like to bring Jessie to Georgia with me, if she’s willing, and if Tabitha can spare the room. I think she’d benefit from being at The Refuge, and it would give the two of us the chance to bond some more.”

“That makes sense.” He spoke slowly, and she knew he was trying to decide if those reasons were the real ones or decoys.

“It’s not like we’ll be gone forever.” She finally turned to look him in the eyes, then tried to soften her tone. “I still need some time, too. But I want to do what I can to help us get untangled from our… financial issues. If you want, I can pack away the things I really want to keep, and you can try to sell the house and whatever furnishings people want. There’s very little in the way of stuff that I’m attached to. And we’ve got some nice things; I’m sure you could sell or consign them for a good price.”

He managed a smile. “That’s a good idea.”

She stirred the vegetables and chose her words carefully. “You are going to come clean with everyone, right?”

His response took a few seconds to come. “Come clean?”

“With the staff.”

“With-wait, you mean, tell them everything?”

She breathed deeply, trying not to let her anger build up the wall they were trying to tear down. “Yes. Everything. Don’t you think that’s the right thing to do? Apologize – to Nick, to Carlie-”

“Carlie! Are you nuts?”

“She’s doing what she’s doing because of what you did, Shaun. Admit your mistake to everyone and you take away her power. Plus, you really do owe her an apology if you fired her, even partly, because of what she found out. And it would be better to do it before she made good on her threats.”

Shaun ran a hand over his face and wandered out of the kitchen. Savannah turned back to her stir fry, astounded at who her husband had turned out to be. She never would have believed his story if it hadn’t come straight from him.

She plated the food and ate as she tried to envision their future. Was there a future for them? The life they’d been living – more business partners than lovers-was not appealing. She didn’t want that life back. And now that she knew who Shaun really was, she wasn’t so sure she wanted him, anyway. If he did what he needed to do, showed he was willing to change-maybe she’d concede to giving it another try. But would they ever be able to go back to how they had been before A &A had transformed them from lovers to coworkers?

The longer she pondered, the clearer things became, and after she finished eating she made a stop at Shaun’s office before calling Tabitha about her idea.

“Just to put your mind at ease – I don’t want a divorce.”

The fact that he looked so shocked broke her heart. “You don’t? Why not?”

“I don’t think it’s what God would want.”

The look intensified. “You actually care what God wants?”

“Well, not exactly-but I don’t want to make any decisions I might regret. And I think I would regret that.”

He smiled. “I’m glad to hear that.”

She smiled back. “Yeah. Me too.”

JESSIE TOOK A BITE OF her apple and keyed in the URL of the Colorado Springs Gazette’s website, then clicked on their job listings. She couldn’t handle the bookstore for much longer, not with all the comments she heard from customers when they saw Savannah’s books on the shelves. The other staff hadn’t been too bad, though Torrie had been standoffish for the last week or so. Jessie tried not to care, but it wasn’t working. She needed a change.

She still hadn’t seen her mother since coming home from Angie’s house. She’d run into her father, to whom she had refused to talk before locking herself in her bedroom and falling asleep. She’d woken just an hour later, but the nap had done her good. She hadn’t been ready to take on all the questions of her future, but she had felt ready to take a small step. The job search felt doable.

A knock, then a call of “Jessie?” broke her concentration. Her mother. The walls went up once again around her heart. “Come in.”

Savannah’s face held a look of cautiousness, of apprehension. Not expressions she was used to seeing on her mother. “I’m sorry to interrupt you,” she said, sounding truly concerned that Jessie may have been in the middle of something important. “I just wanted to talk to you for a minute. That alright?”

“Um-yeah, sure.”

Savannah sat on the edge of the bed. “I’m really sorry about last night. I’m sorry you had to find out that way. Thanks for letting us know you were alright; we were getting worried.”

Jessie felt a twinge of guilt. “Yeah… I’m sorry I ran out like that.”

“That’s alright; you needed your space.”

Jessie smiled a bit at the echo of Gayle’s words. “Yeah, I did.”

Savannah pulled the ends of her sweater over her hands as her demeanor seemed to shift to one of almost nervousness. “Listen, I wanted to propose something. It-it might sound sort of weird, but just hear me out, okay?”

“Okay.” She was curious despite herself.

“Okay, so… I told you about the Refuge, and Tabitha and Aniyah, and all that… they’ve really helped me, and Tabitha has a really amazing program there. I know we haven’t talked a ton about everything that’s happened lately, or about the things your dad did, so for all I know you’re handling things really well. But, even though you’re an incredibly strong and smart young woman, I know you’ve been hit with a lot of big stuff lately, and I thought it might be helpful for you – if you wanted to, that is – to come to The Refuge with me for a while.”

Jessie hadn’t known what to expect, but this wouldn’t have even been on the list. “What? Seriously?”

“You wouldn’t have to go to the sessions if you didn’t want to- if it just didn’t seem like something that was going to be helpful, no one would make you participate. So, if nothing else, it would be a vacation, and heaven knows you need one.”

She had to smile at that. “Yeah, that would be nice.”

“No expectations, no pressure – just an opportunity to commiserate with some people who can relate to what you’re going through, in their own way, and who might be able to give you some insights. And I promise you’ll have your privacy. I won’t go to the sessions that you go to, so you don’t feel like you have to censor yourself. Heck, we don’t even have to talk while we’re there; you’ll have your own room and everything. I talked it over with Tabitha and she’s totally fine with it all.”

Jessie slowly tilted her chair back, thinking. “Wow. That’s… that’s quite an offer.”

“You don’t have to answer right now, either.” Savannah stood, her hands popping out of the sleeves. “Let me know what you decide. And like I said, no pressure.” She gave Jessie a quick hug, then left her to her thoughts.

Jessie watched the door close, feeling like she was in a dream. Had her mother really just apologized, affirmed Jessie’s fragile emotional state, and then actually managed to offer help without making it sound condescending? If that was the result of her time at The Refuge, then that alone was a reason to go.

But even if it wasn’t, she had to admit the opportunity sounded amazing. The vacation aspect alone was enough to make her want to pack her bags. But to be able to finally dump all her frustrations and anger and grief over the events of the last few years and get some help in sorting through and dealing with it-it was almost too good to be true.

So what do you think? She stared at the computer and took another bite of her apple. A warmth grew in her heart as she imagined the place her mother had told her about the night before. She finished her apple, closed out the classifieds, and picked up her cell phone and dialed. “Hey Torrie, it’s Jess. Look, I’m really sorry to spring this on you, but it looks like I’m going to have to resign. I can probably give you another week, but then I’m… well, I’m going away for a while.”