The Heart of Memory

“Alright, honey, I’m glad you’re resolved not to. But listen, if you find yourself struggling you can always come and talk to me, okay?”

Jessie let out a snort. “Yeah, okay.”

“What do you mean, ‘Yeah, okay’?”

Jessie rolled her eyes. “Nothing.”

Savannah pulled the bedding, still in plastic, from the bottom of a pile of off-season clothing. “Not nothing. What?”

Her daughter’s eyes were focused on the striped duvet cover. “No offense, Mom, but you and I don’t really talk about that kind of thing.”

“Well, no, we haven’t-but we haven’t needed to, either.”

“That’s not what-never mind.” She took the bedding from Savannah’s arms. “Thanks for picking this up for me. Sorry I woke you up.”

“Honey, wait,” she said to Jessie’s retreating back. But she was out the door before Savannah could think of what else to say.

Jessie was inching further and further away. It hurt Savannah to see it, though in her heart she knew she was partly to blame. She just wasn’t around enough. She liked to think she was justified, at least somewhat-she did what she did for Jessie and her generation, for the Christian women they would become. They needed good role models, a culture that would allow them to be who God wanted them to be; Savannah was just trying to do her part to provide that for them.

The reasoning rang hollow when she tried to sort it out, so she didn’t often try, and she wasn’t going to attempt it now. Instead, she crawled back into bed and closed her eyes, fighting against the new maternal concerns that blossomed now for Jessie, and wondering who she would go to when she needed to talk.

JESSIE FELT THE FLAMES RISE in her cheeks as she shut herself in her bedroom. Sex was dead last on the list of things she’d ever want to discuss with her mother. Where on earth had that conversation come from? Were her thoughts that plain on her face? She’d never have expected her mother to be able to read her that well. It must just be coincidence. It’s got to be.

Regardless, it gave her that much more incentive to be more careful. Way more careful. The last person she’d want to find her out would be Savannah.

Not that there will be anything else to find out, Jessie reminded herself. Last night had been a total fluke; she and Adam had already agreed it wouldn’t happen again. Had the other couple they’d been doubling with not canceled, they wouldn’t have been alone at the drive-in, and they wouldn’t have started the make-out session that nearly claimed her chastity. It was why they never went out alone, why they limited themselves to holding hands after dark and always crammed a pillow between them when they were sitting together on the couch. Typically the fear of headlines screaming that Savannah Trover’s wanton daughter had gotten pregnant was motivation enough to abstain, but last night her thoughts had been very, very far away from her mother’s reputation.

Angie had fixed that the minute Jessie had called her for advice. “You guys what?! Girl, are you out of your mind? What if you got pregnant? Can you just imagine what that would look like for your mom?”

Jessie hadn’t taken her best friend’s admonishment very well. “Seriously? You’re bringing my mother up? Have you not been my friend for the past fifteen years? Do you really not know that she is the last person I want to think about right now? Thanks a lot, Ang. That’s just why I called you, so you could read me the riot act and make me feel even worse than I already do.”

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, Jess. Really. I’m just surprised; it’s so not like you to lose control like that.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s just that I’m sick of always having to be in control for someone else and not for myself. Maybe I’m really not all that self-controlled. Maybe, if I didn’t have to worry about how someone else would be affected, I’d go totally nuts, be all crazy like that girl in Footloose.”

“Straddling the freeway in the face of oncoming semis, you mean?”

That made Jessie laugh. “Yes. Exactly. I’m totally the road-straddling type.”

“You’re not, though-you know that, right? Even if it weren’t for your mom, you wouldn’t be the kind to go wild. It’s just not who you are.”

Jessie let out a snort. “Thanks for the reality check. Of course I know. But sometimes I wish I were. I just want my own life, and I don’t feel like I’ll ever have it. I’ll always be ‘Savannah’s daughter.’ I can’t wait to get married and drop ‘Trover.’ At least that dead giveaway will be gone.”

“Gonna do plastic surgery to change your eyes and cheekbones and mouth, too? Because with your hair pulled back you’re a dead-ringer.”

“Gah, don’t remind me.” She fingered the cross Adam had given her for her birthday. The guilt returned, and with it, the anger. “I’m just so tired of being shadowed by her all the freaking time. I’m twenty years old, for pete’s sake. My mother should be the last person on my mind when I’m with my boyfriend. Even if it does keep me from going too far.” She groaned. “But man, Angie, it was dicey for a minute there. Seriously, I was this close to just throwing myself at him. And I’m seriously scared that we won’t be able to go back to the little boundaries we put up before to keep ourselves from going too far.”

“Extra vigilance, extra boundaries, extra company all the time. Do whatever you’ve gotta do. You do know that it’s not just your mother’s life that would be ruined if you got pregnant, right?”

“Well, to be totally honest, I don’t think my life would be ruined. Children are a blessing from God, right?”

“Seriously? You’re questioning the ‘no sex out of wedlock’ standard?”

“No, I’m not questioning it-I’m just saying I think it’s sad to say that a beautiful miracle like a baby ‘ruins’ your life. It doesn’t ruin it; it just changes it.”

“Uh, yeah-for the worse when you’re not married and still in college. Don’t try to make it okay, Jess.”

“I’m not, I’m just playing devil’s advocate.” But truthfully she did want to find a loophole, something that would give her a reason to chuck caution just once and do something on a whim and not worry about it.

Her phone buzzed with an incoming text from Adam.

Bowling 2nite?

OK.

She set the duvet in the corner atop the box that held her bedding. Bowling was a safe choice. She appreciated that he was looking out for them, too. But what would they do afterwards? What if they went back to his house? To the basement where they watched movies and played Cranium with their friends? If no one else was with them…

Jessie sighed and continued to pack as she prayed a simple request. Give me strength, God. Give me strength.

SHAUN DROPPED HIS KEYS ON the counter and gave Savannah a hug. “Hey, babe. How was your day?”

She thought of the conversation with Jessie and decided not to share it. “Same old, same old, mostly.”

“Find anything to keep your mind busy?”

Savannah made a face. “You could say that.”

He eyed her carefully. “I hear a tone.”

“Well…” She smiled. “I have a theory.”

“A theory?”

“About why I’m still sick.”

“What’s that?”

She sat on a barstool at the kitchen island and motioned for him to do the same. “I think I might be pregnant.”

His eyes went wide as the color drained from his face. “You’re kidding.”

“No.”

“You can’t be-”

“I can, actually. I checked the calendar.”

He slumped in his seat and rubbed a hand over his face. “But you’re not sure, right? When will you be sure?”

“I can take a test in the morning.”