to Jake.
He took the paper and smoothed it between his fingers. “Will they help me find Jake?”
“Don’t worry about him,” Becca repeated. “Just call that number. As soon as possible. If you don’t, Internal will find you.”
He shuddered at the mention of Internal.
“Will you do it?” asked Becca.
He nodded. “I’ll do it.”
She hoped he would make it. She wished she could do more for him. But she had nothing else to give him. She hadn’t even been able to bring more food, not with her mom watching her so closely.
She had to get out of here before he asked her about Jake again. “I have to go.” But she stayed where she was. There had to be something else she could do for him.
But there wasn’t.
“Good luck,” she said. She got up and walked to the doorway.
Before she could leave, he spoke again. “Becca.”
She stopped.
He knew who she was.
“He’s gone, isn’t he?” Jake’s dad asked quietly.
Becca stood in the doorway, unable to bring herself to answer his question but unable to walk away.
“Yes,” she finally answered. “He’s gone.” Better for him to know the truth than for him to be waiting forever for Jake to come back.
“He wouldn’t have given up. He would have killed her no matter what.” Now he was the one holding back tears. “I understand. You had to do it. You had to keep your family safe.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
Her vision blurred as she left the playground for the last time.
Becca’s mom didn’t move when Becca walked in. She stayed on the couch, staring out the window—or maybe staring at nothing at all. For a second, she reminded Becca of Jake’s dad.
“I’m back,” said Becca.
“Good.” In that one word, her mom’s voice betrayed her exhaustion. Not the simple fatigue Becca saw in her when she came home after working for sixteen hours straight. This was something deeper.
Becca hung back. She eyed the space beside her mom, and then the path that led to her bedroom. She didn’t want to do this. It wasn’t going to work; how could it possibly work?
But she was going to have to do it sooner or later. No matter how much time her mom spent away from home, Becca couldn’t avoid her forever. If this wasn’t going to work, better to find out right away.
Her feet dragged as she made her way to the couch.
She sat down next to her mom. “You said you were ready whenever I wanted to tell you what’s going on.” She didn’t have to fake the quiver in her voice. “I’m ready now.”
Her mom reached out and took her hand. “I’m listening.” Her mom’s hand felt like ice against hers.
Becca took a moment to collect her thoughts, to make sure she knew what she wanted to say. “I didn’t know Jake was a dissident at first. But he started saying things. Things about the government, and about Internal. I knew I should report him, but I started to believe the things he was saying.”
Jake at the playground, screaming about what her mom had done. The night she had found out for sure that he was a dissident. She stopped for a moment as the memory lanced through her.
“When he disappeared, I figured Internal had taken him,” she continued, eyes stinging. “Until… well, you know what happened after that.” When had it gotten so hard to breathe? “He found me last night. He told me he was going to kill you for what you had done to his family. He… he wanted me to help him.”
Where was he now? Staring down at the bloodstain on the floor in the same cell where she had stayed, or in another identical room deep within the underground maze? Was he being interrogated right now? Was he already dead, or would she see him on TV in a couple of weeks, hear his broken voice as he recounted his crimes?
“It’s all right.” Her mom squeezed her hand. “It’s over now.”
“When he asked me to help him kill you, it made me see what was going on. What he really was, and what he had been doing to me. I told him I would think about it, and… I called Internal.” Even now, she wasn’t sure she had done the right thing. But she’d had to do it. In her head, she heard Jake’s mantra.
“Why didn’t you come to me?” Becca couldn’t tell what her mom was thinking. “If I had known he was coming, we could have been prepared.”
“I didn’t want to admit what I had gotten involved in. I figured I’d call Internal, and they’d arrest him, and you’d never have to know.” Not true. The Enforcers would have come to the apartment no matter what, since she’d told them she didn’t know where Jake was hiding. Even if Jake had decided not to come, her mom would still have found out. But this way she had kept control of the situation for a little longer. She had been able to give Jake more of a chance.
“I didn’t think they would take so long,” she said. “Maybe they didn’t know whether to believe me, because of what happened the other day.”
“That sounds about right.” Now her mom sounded angry—but not at Becca. Her voice held an ominous bite. “I’ll have a talk with whoever was responsible for that decision.”
“I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. But I get it now. I understand what you were trying to tell me. I’m sorry it took something like this to make me see it. But sometimes your life has to fall apart before you can really see what’s important.” Becca held her breath, waiting for the inevitable. Waiting for her mom to tell her she didn’t believe a word of it.
Her mom dropped her hand and reached her arms out toward her. Becca flinched away. Ignoring her reaction, her mom pulled her into a hug. “It doesn’t matter,” she murmured against Becca’s hair. “You remembered what’s right. That’s the important thing.”
Her mom believed her.
Her mom couldn’t see through her lies anymore.
Becca should have been happy. Instead, something deep inside her ached as the last of her old connection with her mom tore away.
Her mom pulled back. “While you were gone, I did some thinking.”
“About what?” Becca asked, when her mom didn’t keep going.
“About you. About what would be best for you.” A long breath. “It may be a good idea for you to go live with your father.”
At first Becca thought she must have misheard. But the pain in her mom’s eyes told her she hadn’t.
“If not for me, Jake wouldn’t have used you the way he did,” said her mom. “You wouldn’t have come so close to becoming a dissident. And I can’t stop thinking about what happened this morning—and what could have happened. What if he had shot you first, to take away my family like I took away his? What if the next one gets that idea in his head, and Enforcement doesn’t show up in time?”
She could leave here. Leave it all behind—Processing 117, her mom, Heather, the rumors at school, the memory of Jake. All of it. She could push away her dissident thoughts the way her dad had pushed away his, until she started to believe her own lies. Once, she had hated the thought of embracing denial the way he had. Things were different now. She was different now.
“This is your decision,” said her mom. “I won’t force you to go. But at least think about it. Don’t worry about what I want; all I want is what’s best for you.”
Becca could already taste it. A life away from her mom’s contradictions, away from the shadow of 117.
It tasted like freedom.
She didn’t know what to say. “I’ll need some time to think.”
Her mom nodded. “Of course.”
It wouldn’t really be freedom. Only denial. Internal would still be there, doing what they always did. Executions would still air on TV. Every so often, someone from school would disappear.
But she wouldn’t have to think about it.
It wouldn’t be freedom… but wouldn’t it be almost as good?
