“Now since shame is a mental picture of disgrace, in which we shrink from the disgrace itself and not from its consequences, and we only care what opinion is held of us because of the people who form that opinion, it follows that the people before whom we feel shame are those whose opinion of us matters to us. Such persons are: those who admire us, those whom we admire, those by whom we wish to be admired, those with whom we are competing, and whose opinion of us we respect.”
Our language has a great many words for describing our emotional states. When we described Carol’s playing with mud, we had to use over a dozen of them—
Why do we have such states at all—and why do we have so many of them? Why does Carol feel grateful and proud when she receives praise from her mother? And how does this, somehow, ‘elevate’ goals to make them seem more desirable?
Student: You’ve already started to argue that she must have some kind of “attachment bond” that makes her react in that special way—just as Aristotle said, from concern with her mother’s regard for her. But this doesn’t explain why praise alone cannot elevate goals, but also depends on the presence of—umm, I can’t think of the proper word for this—“a person to whom one has become attached?”
Psychologists often use ‘caregiver’ for “a person to whom a child is attached.” They cannot say ‘parent’, or ‘mother’ or ‘father’ because someone else might play that role—like a grandparent, nurse, or family friend. But ‘caregiver’ is not the proper word because (as we’ll see in §2-7) such attachments can form without physical care. In any case, it seems quite strange that our language has no special word for this most influential relationship! So here I’ll introduce two new terms; both are based on an old word, ‘imprinting’, which long has been used by psychologists to refer to the processes in which young animals learn to keep close to their parents.
Imprimer:
Impriming:
Of course, staying close to parents helps to keep offspring safe but, in humans it seems to have other effects; when we’re close to the persons to whom we’re attached—the ones that we shall call our ‘Imprimers’—we find ourselves thinking in special ways. Carol’s concern with her cupful of mud may have started out as a casual urge to play with materials near at hand—as just an engaging activity. But when she gets praise from one of her Imprimers, she feels a special thrill of pride that elevates her present goal to a higher kind of priority—and in future times she’ll find that, to her, this goal has become more “respectable.”
We’re always setting new goals for ourselves, but we often end up abandoning them. Why is it sometimes so hard for us to keep working toward what we’ve decided to do? In §9-2 we’ll come back to discuss self-discipline and self-control, but here we’ll only mention that attachments also can help us persist—either from hope that we’ll please our imprimers or from fear of disappointing them.
Why does an Imprimer’s praise have an effect so different from that of praise that comes from a stranger? I do not know of any brain-research that has revealed the machinery involved with this—but it is easy to see how it could have evolved: if strangers could change your high-level goals, they could get you to do whatever they want —
So far as I know, no parts of our brains have yet been shown to be involved with this, but §2-7 discusses some evidence that damage to a child’s attachments can impair that child’s development. Future advances in ways to scan brains should tell us more about how such things work.
The final chapters of this book will propose some ideas about what feelings are and how they work.
§2-4. Attachment-Learning Elevates Goals
“Each of us has beliefs about what constitutes acceptable actions, thoughts and feelings. We acquire our standards, rules and goals through acculturation… and each of us has acquired a set appropriate to our particular circumstances. To become a member of any group, we are required to learn them. Living up to one’s own internalized set of standards—or failing to live up to them—forms the basis of some very complex emotions.”
When Carol’s loved ones censure her, she feels that her goals are unworthy of her or that she is unworthy of her goals. And when she is somewhat older, then, even when her Imprimers are far from the scene, she still may wonder about how they might feel:
Why would the growth of these personal values depend upon a child’s attachments? It is easy to see how this might have evolved: a child who lost its parents’ esteem would not be so likely to survive. Also, those parents themselves will want to earn the respect of their friends and peers—so they will want their children to ‘behave’ in socially acceptable ways, and we’ve seen several ways for children to learn such things:
