Wedded in Scandal

thing to grow up, see your mother suffering, and not be able to do anything about it.”

“It never stops, Helaine, but I can’t help hoping. Each time, I can’t…not hope.”

“Of course not. She’s your mother.”

“There was a day back when I was in my twenties. Gwen was about to come out and Mother had to help with that. She went to the dressmaker’s, attended parties and routs, I even saw her smile when she watched Gwen dancing at a ball. I thought that finally we had broken through. Finally…”

“The Season was too much for her?”

“Right before Gwen’s court presentation, Mother took to her bed and would not come out. Wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t bathe, wouldn’t do anything. Gwen and I both tried to help. Even my father took a stand, but it was like she wasn’t there. A body without a soul. It was terrible.”

She was silent with her arms wrapped around him and her head on his shoulder. She lay there thinking. He knew she was thinking, but about what?

“It was at the presentation that I realized the truth. I looked at all the court ladies in their gowns, I looked at Gwen practically shaking in her excitement, and I finally knew that Mother would not change. She would never be a woman fully alive the way other women were. I had to accept that, do what I could for her, and not spend my days worrying after her.”

“You had plenty to do with a sister coming out, a younger brother in school, and the management of the earldom.”

“That was also when I barred my father from the house. The maids lived in terror of him, and the footmen had no love of his drunken tirades.”

She shuddered against him, and he knew she was much too familiar with drunken exploits.

“The point is that everything crashed about me that Season. What had started out as a delightful time with Gwen’s coming out ended in a home in total disarray.”

“You cannot think that was your fault.”

“Of course not. But it didn’t change the disaster.”

“So what did you do?”

He lifted his head off hers, shame making him look away. “I left it all to Gwen,” he finally confessed. “The finances were in order. That much I had seen to. And Jack was at school, so he was fine. But I had reached my limit, so I packed up and came here.”

“Here?”

“Here, where I saw patients, made notes in my books, and consulted with doctors. Here, where I had more than a dozen women grateful for my attention, and Chandelle, who managed the running of the household. And here is where I got blind drunk one night, sought out Chandelle’s bed, only to be refused, and ended up passed out on the floor outside her door.”

Helaine’s hand stilled on his chest. “She refused you?”

“Of course she did. If I had been anyone else, she would have thrown me out on the street. And in the morning, when I had a splitting head and a foul temper, she kicked me upright and handed me a mop and a bucket. I was to clean up the mess I’d made and, while I was at it, to mop or sweep the rest of the house. And if I didn’t like it, then I could leave.”

“She would have tossed you out? You were her benefactor!”

“And my father is the earl, but I also barred the door to him. Rules have a purpose. Father had violated the rules of the house in accosting the maids. And I had violated the rules of this house. Rules that I myself had established. No drinking. At all. Not in this house.” He chuckled as he recalled that time. “I spent a week cleaning bedpans and mopping floors. Every dirty, disgusting job she could find, she gave to me.”

“And you did it?” He could hear the surprise in her voice.

“I did. And at the end of a week she said something to me that I’ll never forget.” He remembered the moment. He had been wringing out a filthy mop, and sweat was stinging his eyes.

“Don’t stop there!” Helaine cried. “What did she say?”

He smiled at her eagerness. “She pointed at the bucket of foul water and told me, ‘That’s yesterday. Looking at that will just get you more sick. And thinking about what might have been if someone didn’t get sick is a waste of time.’ Then she picked up the bucket and tossed the foul water outside. Then she handed me the empty bucket and said, ‘This is now. Look at now. Deal with the sick you got now.’ If I wanted to think about tomorrow, then I could. But only if I started with now. Not with yesterday, because that was gone.”

He watched her eyebrows contract as she sorted through the words. Eventually she nodded. “So you listened and went back home?”

He laughed. “No. I thought she was a bloody idiot. It took me a long while, but I realized she was right. My parents were my parents. Life has given me so many good things, it stood to reason that something else would be off. No one can have a perfect life.” He touched her chin and gazed into her beautiful eyes. “I look at the moment right now and think I am blessed.”

She smiled and he saw tenderness in her eyes. “That’s a lovely story, Robert, but I’m afraid I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me. That I should think of only now and not yesterday? I have been living from moment to moment since the day my father first forgot to pay the rent.”

He nodded, seeing that she had indeed learned, younger than he, that the past can’t be changed. “But you fear you have cheapened your name. You worry what your grandmother would say. Helaine, your father destroyed your family name long before you had a chance. If things were different, then we would not be here now. But we are here now. And I can offer you so much. Do you really want to say no to that?”

She shook her head. “I haven’t said no, Robert.”

He brushed his thumb along her jaw. “And yet you cried, Helaine. What can I do to fix that?”

“Promise me that my business will not suffer because of this. Promise me that I will still have food for my mother and a home to live in. Promise me that what is between us will remain just us.”

He smiled. “This is my sanctuary here, Helaine. Only Chandelle knows my real name.”

“They know my name, Robert. They—”

“No one will speak of it. You are safe. Now and in the future. I promise.”

She released a slow exhale that heated the air between them. And as her breath released, her body relaxed as well. “You are right,” she said. “The past is long gone. Whatever might have been or might be thought is also long gone. I am not the girl I once was.”

“I like the woman better anyway.”

“Good,” she said as she lifted her mouth to his. “Then make me your mistress.”

He paused to search her face. “We could wait a bit. This is still very new.”

She wrapped her arm around his neck and drew his mouth down to hers. “Now,” she said.

He grinned. “As you command.”

* * *

Helaine slid her hands down his back until she came to the barrier of his pants. Slipping her fingers underneath, she slowly worked her way around to the front button clasp. He had gone absolutely still except to lift up enough to let her work. His breath was a hot caress on her neck, but her mind was on her fingers. Could she get him undone?

She managed it, able at last to push the fabric away. She had never touched a man’s body before. Not his bare skin anywhere but his hands. To stroke Robert’s flat stomach was like a special treat all in itself. But to touch lower was beyond anything she had ever dreamed before. Her fingers explored his wiry hair and then touched his upthrust organ. He sucked in his breath and she felt the muscles of his stomach ripple against her hand. But he did not move away. If anything, he pushed harder against her hand.

“This is good?” she asked.

“Yes,” he said, his voice tight.

She rolled her thumb along the tip, surprised at the moisture there. Meanwhile, he returned to kissing her neck, to nipping lightly at her flesh before soothing it with his tongue.

“Robert,” she said, frustrated because she could not touch more of him.

“Yes?”

“Take off all your clothes.”

“Hmm. Yes.”