the second floor. (A thought: That strange, thin back stairwell that links the kitchen with the second floor. Is that seventeen steps, too?) Then you climb those steps to measure the hallway outside of your and Emily’s bedroom. Finally you start up the fifteen steps to the third floor. There you kneel and stretch the tape measure across the corridor outside of Hallie’s bedroom. It wasn’t your imagination or an optical illusion: The hallways are thirty-nine inches wide on the first floor (there, again, is that number), thirty-seven on the second, and thirty-four on the third. Five inches is not a great distance, but it is enough to make that corridor feel claustrophobic-or, to use the word Emily and the girls have used as your twins have started nesting like barn swallows on this small, third floor, cozy. The third floor has but three rooms: two bedrooms that share a walk-in closet in the hallway (neither bedroom has a closet of its own) and a bathroom with a lion’s-foot tub but no shower. The attic exists on the same level, but a veritable Berlin Wall separates it from this small nook of rooms. The house narrows between the second and third floors, with that elegant fish-scale trim that marks the screened porch reestablishing itself on the third-floor exterior. Hallie’s and Garnet’s bedrooms are characterized by the house’s sloping roof, snug knee walls, and horizontal windows.
You put the tape measure down on the wooden floor and sit.
She deserves friends.
A man’s voice. You have heard it periodically since you came here. You try to recall if you heard it in Pennsylvania as well, and you decide… maybe. Maybe not. You turn to see if anyone is with you in the corridor, and, as always, you are alone. But you know, in reality, you’re not. There is the voice you have just heard of this man roughly your age and the voice of a girl no older (and, perhaps, a bit younger) than your lovely daughters and the voice of a woman perhaps ten years your junior. And there are the cacophonous shrieks and wails of all the women and men who died on Flight 1611. Should you have told Hallie that you knew precisely who she heard your first Sunday night in this house? Maybe. But how could you without further terrifying the poor child? You wish you knew what it meant that she heard their voices, too, and try to take comfort in the reality that she hasn’t reported hearing them since.
You sigh. You note the sunshine through the hallway window and the opalescent light it casts upon the wood paneling. This third-floor hallway is paneled with maple, like some of the first-floor corridors; the second floor is merely painted Sheetrock. You find yourself slowly pulling your knees into your chest and contemplating how, other than that voice-now gone-the house is quiet. The girls are at school and Emily is at work. It must seem to the world that you are all alone.
You wonder if you will ever work again. You wonder what you could do. All you have ever done professionally is fly airplanes.
Somehow, despite the way your grades tumbled after your father died and your mother was aged quickly by bottles of very bad Scotch, you made it into the University of Massachusetts. It might have been the University of Connecticut, but when you were fifteen your mother lost her driver’s license for the last time and your aunt and uncle in Framingham, Massachusetts, decided that you and your eleven-year-old brother would be better off with them. Your mother agreed. It had gotten to the point where it didn’t matter that you watered down the Scotch, every other day pouring out perhaps half an inch-a portion of the schooner sail or cliff-side estate that gave character to the label-of the whiskey and adding just that much tap water. Your mother would drink just that much more.
And your little brother? He’s doing fine. He used to be considered fragile. Wounded. Scarred. Done in by the abrupt and early death of your father and the virtual mummification of your mother. He’s doing better than you, these days. He teaches history at a high school in Berkeley. Got as far away from Connecticut and Massachusetts as he could.
Now it is you who everyone presumes is so fragile. Wounded. Scarred. Maybe they’re right. Perhaps you are.
A nursery rhyme comes into your head, and, like an egg, you allow yourself to topple onto your side, your legs still pulled hard against your torso. You lie like that a long while, watching the chrome shell of the tape measure sparkle until the sun moves.
She deserves friends.
You nod. She does.
Chapter Three
Garnet came down the stairs with her math workbook and a couple of pencils. They were supposed to convert miles into yards or feet and vice versa, and Hallie was incapable of explaining to her how to do it when the answer wasn’t obvious. Their dad was excellent at math, although neither girl had availed herself of his abilities since the accident because they did not want to burden him with one more thing. From conversations they had overheard their mother having with friends on the telephone and the things they had seen their father doing (or, in some cases, not doing), they feared that asking him to help them with math just might put him over the edge. But they had been in New Hampshire for a couple of weeks now, and maybe things would be different here. More normal. Their mother and father talked about how they were starting here with a clean slate. And based on the changes that would occur in the house when they were at school-some old wallpaper gone or some new wallpaper hung, a banister stained or another room painted-their dad had emerged from the funk that had left him cocooned and immobile in his bathrobe in West Chester. And so Garnet figured now was as good a time as any to come down the two flights of stairs and get some help with her math. It might even be good for Dad.
When she found him, he was in the kitchen, but he wasn’t making dinner even though it was nearly five in the afternoon. They seemed to eat earlier here than they did in Pennsylvania, in part because Mom didn’t have such a long commute and got home earlier, but also because everyone here just seemed to do everything earlier. In Pennsylvania, Dad had usually done the cooking in those three- or four-day periods when he had been home and Mom had fed them when Dad had been flying. Of course, Mom’s dinners had been pretty likely to be frozen food or take-out pizza-which was absolutely fine. She was, essentially, a single parent half the time. And then there were those seasons when Mom was in a community theater drama or musical. Often those nights when Dad was flying, Garnet and Hallie would color or play games or do a little homework while eating deli sandwiches in the back of whatever gym or community center where Mom’s theater troupe was rehearsing.
When Garnet got downstairs, she found her father on his knees, rummaging through the cabinet beneath the kitchen sink. His head and shoulders were invisible inside the cabinetry, and around his legs were the bottles and jars and brushes that usually were stored under there.
“Dad?”
Carefully he withdrew his upper body and sat on his heels. His hair was disheveled, and she noticed a thin trickle of sweat on his brow. He had a mug with cold coffee beside him.
“Hey, princess,” he said. He called both her and her sister princess. It was a term of endearment, but no more specific than honey or darling. “What do you need?”
“Can you help me with my math?” She held out the workbook like an offering, both of her hands beneath it as if she were presenting a sacred text to a rabbi or priest.
He was silent for a moment, and she wondered after she had spoken if this might be one of those instances that would be important years from now: the first time her dad had helped her with her math after the accident. A great step forward in the march back to normalcy. But when the moment grew long and still he had said nothing, she decided she was wrong: This would instead be merely one more of those times when her dad’s behavior would suggest it was going to be a long, long time before he was better.
“I mean, if you’re busy, I can probably figure it out myself,” she continued. She knew that sometimes she made people uncomfortable when she grew quiet. They feared she was about to have a seizure and go into a trance. Especially lately. But often it was just easier to say nothing and let everyone else do the talking, the deciding, and the… worrying. And it was nice to daydream. She liked the visions that sometimes marked the seizures. She wondered if her dad now had them, too.
“Oh, I’m not doing anything important,” he said finally.
“Cleaning?” she asked. “Organizing?”
“Something like that. I keep expecting to find a secret compartment back there.”
