We were walking past Bob’s place when he came running out, his eyes wild.
“
His Adam’s apple was sticking out like a gigantic knuckle. It made you want to push him back into the store.
“My God! Archie’s locked himself in the bathroom! He can’t get out! What a jerk that kid is. I’m going to try to get in through the window! My God, it’s high!”
“You saying Archie locked himself in the bathroom?” I said.
“Yeah. Annie’s been trying to talk to him through the door for ten minutes, but he doesn’t answer-he just blubbers. You can hear the faucet running, too. Shit, there I was, peacefully watching TV-why do people have children…?”
I ran behind him into the yard next to the house. Betty went up into the apartment. There was a big ladder lying in the grass. I helped him prop it up against the side of the house. The sky was bright. After a brief hesitation, Bob grabbed the sides of the ladder and climbed two rungs, then stopped.
“I can’t,” he whined. “I swear I can’t. This makes me sick…”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“What do you think? I’m dizzy. What can I do? It’s like being up on a scaffold.”
I wasn’t especially acrobatic, but the second floor of a building didn’t scare me much.
“All right, come down,” I said.
He wiped his brow while I climbed up to the window. I saw Archie. The faucets were open full blast. I turned to Bob.
“I don’t see many alternatives,” I said.
He made a discouraged gesture below.
“Yeah, I know. Go ahead, break the goddamn windowpane.”
I smashed it with my elbow, opened the latch, and jumped inside. I was proud of myself-I’d compensated for the day, in extremis. I winked at Archie and closed the faucets. Snot was streaming down his chin.
“Have nice pIaytime?” I asked.
The sink was clogged and overflowing everywhere. I fixed that, then opened the door. There was Annie with the baby in her arms. Annie wasn’t bad. Her mouth was a bit floppy and she had a wild glow in her eyes-the type to avoid.
“Hiya,” I said. “Watch out for the broken glass.”
“Oh, for the love of Mike! Archibald, what’s got into you?”
Just then Bob showed up, out of breath. He looked at the puddles of water on the floor, then looked up at me.
“You can’t imagine all the stunts a three-year-old pulls. Yesterday he tried to close himself in the refrigerator.”
The baby started crying, twisting his little purple face into an abominable grimace.
“Oh darn, it’s time already,” sighed Annie.
She turned around and started undoing her buttons.
“Great, and now who’s going to wipe up this mess? Me, that’s who. I spend all day cleaning up after that little monster.”
Archie looked at his feet. He tapped them in the water. He couldn’t have cared less about what his father was saying. Betty took him by the hand.
“Come on, we’re going to read a book, you and me.”
She took Archie into his room. Bob told me to go make some drinks-he’d only be a minute. I went into the kitchen. Annie was sitting there, her nipple jammed in the mouth of Number Two. I smiled at her. I got out the glasses and lined them up on the table. We heard the bathtub emptying. I sat down at the table, having nothing else to do. Her breast was incredibly large-I couldn’t keep from staring at it.
“Hey,” I said. “You’re not kidding around there.”
She bit her lip, then answered.
“You’re telling me. You can’t imagine how hard they are. They hurt even…”
Without taking her eyes from mine, she moved her dress aside and got out the other one. It was truly impressive, I must admit. I nodded.
“Feel it,” she said. “You’ll see what I mean. Feel it…”
I thought it over for a second, then latched onto it from across the table. It was warm and smooth, with transparent blue veins in it-the type of specimen that’s a pleasure to get your hands on. She closed her eyes. I let go, then stood up to go look at the goldfish.
The whole house smelled like spoiled milk. I didn’t know if this had something to do with the dairy underneath, or if it was because of the little newborn. It was disgusting for guys like me, who don’t go in much for milk products. While she was burping him, the little tyke looked at me, dazed, then spit up on his Oshkosh B’ Goshes. I wanted to roll over and die. Bob showed up and got out a bottle.
“You will note that he only pulls this shit on my afternoons off,” he said. “Oedipus did not only fuck his mother-he also killed his father.”
“Bob, this one needs to go to bed.” Annie sighed.
“Bob, you got something to munch on?” I asked.
“Sure. Go get whatever you want out of the store.”
Annie didn’t take her eyes off me. I gave her a look as cold as a tombstone, then went down. I hate it when they think you’re easy. Stay away from easy shots-you come out better in the end. It’s never bothered me that I have a soul and know how to use it-it’s the only thing, in fact, that’s ever really interested me.
It was getting dark in the store. It took me a while to find the party-mix section. Roasted almonds have always been my vice. They were on the bottom shelf. I squatted down and loaded up. I must have been daydreaming. I didn’t hear her come in-I just felt a light breathing on my cheek. One second later, she grabbed me around the neck. She pushed my face between her legs. I let go of the almonds. I untangled myself in a hurry and stood up.
Annie seemed to be in some sort of delirious trance. She was vibrating from head to foot-bathing me with her burning eyes. Before I could come up with a good line, she popped her tits out of her dress and pressed herself against me.
“Hurry up,” she said. “For God’s sake, hurry up!”
She wedged one of her legs between mine, her thing jammed into my thigh. I moved aside. She was panting like she’d just run the thousand-yard dash. Her chest seemed even bigger in the darkness. She was obscenely white. Her nipples were aimed right at me. I raised my hand.
“Annie…”
But she grabbed my wrist in mid-flight and plastered my hand over her tits. She started rubbing herself on me again. I sent her flying into the shelves.
“I’m sorry…” I said.
I felt a wave of fury come out of her belly, like a torpedo, setting the store on fire. Her eyes glazed over.
“What’s come over you? What seems to be the problem, mister?” she hissed.
I wondered why she got formal all of a sudden. It was so strange, I couldn’t answer.
“What’s wrong with me?” she went on. “I’m not pretty enough? You don’t desire…?”
“I don’t give in to all my desires,” I said. “It makes me feel a little freer, that way.”
She bit her lip, stroking her belly gently with her hand. She let out a little childlike whine.
“I can’t stand it anymore,” she said.
While I was picking up the cans of almonds, she lifted up her dress, her back against the canned goods. Her little white under pants flashed through my skull like a bolt of lightning. My hand started traveling toward her-I told myself it was simply too strong to deny. But then I told myself: Do this and you’re a scumbag, selling your soul out for a cheap fantasy. I took a good look at the scoreboard before deciding. Man is nothing. But it’s his conscience that makes something out of nothing. These thoughts bore me up-they were part of my emergency kit. I gently took her by the arm.
“Forget all this,” I said. “What say we go up and have a nice peaceful drink with the others? Okay…?”
She let her dress down. She lowered her head and buttoned her dress.
