“I wasn’t asking very much,” she murmured. “I just wanted to know if I still existed is all…”
“Stop worrying about it,” I said. “Everybody needs to let it out, one way or another.”
I stroked her cheek. But clumsy gestures can be like hot coals.
She looked at me, desperate.
“Bob hasn’t touched me in over a month,” she sobbed. Ever since I came home from the clinic. It’s making me crazy! Don’t you think it’s normal to want it? Do I have to just wait for him to decide…?”
“I don’t know. It’ll all work out.”
She ran her lingers through her hair, sighing.
“Yeah, it’ll all work out. Sure. Probably one of these nights, while I’m sound asleep, he’ll decide. Naturally, it’ll be a night when I’m totally exhausted-dead as a doornail. He’ll come over and slip me his thing from behind. I can see it all now. He won’t even bother to see if I’m awake or not.”
It always seems like a tiny little dent in the beginning, but bend over a little and get a closer look-you find that you’re standing on the edge of a bottomless abyss. That’s why they invented goose pimples, to keep your teeth from chattering.
I put a bag of chips in her arms, and we went upstairs. No one was in the kitchen. She had two drinks, waiting for the others to come. I drank a toast to the goldfish.
In the end, Bob and Annie made us stay for dinner. They insisted. We looked at each other. I said, Betty, it’s up to you, you’re the one who wanted to eat Chinese. Betty said, Let’s stay.
“Now that the kids are asleep we can eat in peace,” Bob said.
I went down into the store to get some groceries with Bob. It was practical. In time of war, much more reassuring than pianos, I thought. There were even little garlic croutons, to consume preferably before the end of the next five years. Ideal for freeze-dried fish soup.
“I’ll buy the wine,” I said.
He rang up my bill and gave me my change. We went back upstairs.
We let the girls make dinner. It made them happy. We gave them a few olives while waiting. In the meantime, Bob dragged me into the bedroom to show me his collection of detective novels. It took up a whole wall. He stood in front of it, his fists on his hips.
“If you read one a day, it would still take you at least five years!” he said.
“You don’t read anything else?” I asked.
“There’s some science fiction on the bottom shelf…”
“You know,” I said, “we’re really pushovers. They toss us a few bones so we won’t try and grab the real meat. I’m not just talking about books-they’ve worked it out so they can say anything they want…”
“Huh…? Anyway, if you want I can loan you a few, but be careful, no kidding. Especially with the hardcovers.”
I glanced at the unmade bed. No one gets out alive. In the end, chances are you’re wasting your time. The problem, though, is that it’s never really completely wasted.
“Starting to smell good in the kitchen,” I said. “Better go have a look…”
“Yeah. But you got to admit, I really floored you there.”
After dinner we sat down to a nice easy game of poker. We each had a glass of wine, and there were enough ashtrays to go around. From where I sat I could see the moon. It didn’t seem like much in itself, but if you’re going to rhapsodize, you might as well go all out. All the greats have. The game did not keep me on pins and needles. When I wasn’t looking at the moon, I looked at the others. The mystery was just as profound. Roots entangling endlessly-the chances of lifting a corner of the veil growing fainter each time a cloud comes to cover the moon. One thing led to another. I slid into a bath of gentle stupidity. Not uncommon these days.
The baby’s crying woke me. Bob slammed his hand down on the table, swearing. Annie stood up. I hardly had any chips left. I couldn’t understand it. Archie woke up and started crying too. Screaming like a banshee.
Annie and Bob came back into the kitchen with the two of them shrieking in their arms. I gave myself three seconds to beat it out of there.
“We’ll leave you alone now,” I said. “Sleep well, you two.”
I shoved Betty adroitly in front of me, and we split. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, I heard Bob call:
“Hey, nice having you guys over!”
“Thanks for everything, Bob.”
The fresh air did me good. I suggested we take a little walk before heading home. She took my arm and nodded her head. There were already a few tiny leaves on the trees. The air shook them. You could smell the young buds in the street, an aroma that got stronger and stronger.
We went up the street in silence. There comes a moment when the silence between two people can have the purity of a diamond. Such was the case then. That’s all you can say about it. The street is no longer a street. The light becomes fragile as a dream. The sidewalks shine. The air crashes in your face. A joy rises in you that has no name-that amazes you. It’s being able to stay calm, to light someone’s cigarette with your back to the wind, without the slightest tremble in your hand to betray you. It was the kind of walk that can fill a lifetime.
On the corner was a garbage can with a rubber tree in it. Though it’d been thrown out, it was still in good shape, with lots of leaves. It was just thirsty. My heart went out to it. It looked like a sad coconut tree, agonizing on an archipelago of trash.
“Can you tell me why people do things like this?” I asked.
“Hey, look, it’s sprouting a new leaf!”
“…and why this crummy old rubber tree tugs so hard at my heartstrings…”
“We could put it downstairs, with the pianos.”
I unwedged the poor thing and took it in my arms. We went home. The leaves clicked like amulets, shiny as mica. Dancing like Christmas Eve. It was a grateful rubber tree-I’d given it another chance.
When I rolled into bed, I looked at the ceiling and smiled.
“What a fabulous day!” I said.
“Yeah.”
“How do you like that-first day open and we sell a piano. It’s a sign…”
“Don’t get carried away.”
“I’m not getting carried away.”
“You talk like it’s something that just happened to us.”
I felt the pavement get slippery. I steered into the parking lane. “What, don’t you think it’s good to have sold a piano?”
She sighed lightly, pulling off her sweater.
“Yes, it’s good.”
18
“Yes, Eddie, I know I’m not talking very loud, but she isn’t very far away. She’s taking a shower.”
“Yeah, okay. Well, what do you want me to do-send it?”
I moved away from the receiver a little, to make sure I still heard her splashing in the bathroom.
“No,” I whispered. “Absolutely not. If it’s not too much trouble, Eddie, I’ve been crossing out the names in the Writer’s Guide. Just mail it out to the next name on the list.”
“Anyway, it’s really too bad…”
“Yeah, well, maybe they’ve all decided to wait till I’m fifty years old.”
“And the pianos? How’s that going?”
“Not bad. We sold a third one yesterday morning.”
We said good-bye and I hung up. It was incredible that they’d turn my book down again, on this of all days. I had trouble getting this dark coincidence out of my mind-I had to shake my head to make it go away. Luckily spring
