newspaper explaining why he has deduced that Jimmy Vail was murdered. That would be just like him. If you want some free advice, I suggest that you have your son in, here and now, and tell him you're not taking it back. I'll report it to Mr Wolfe, and he'll decide if he wants to risk his time and money on a wild-goose chase.'
It didn't work. As I spoke her lips kept getting tighter, and when I stopped she snapped, 'He wouldn't get any share. Even if he found it. It's my money.'
'That would be one for the lawyers. He would claim that his agreement with your son was based on an agreement your son had with you, made before witnesses. It would be the kind of mix-up lawyers love; they can juggle it around for years.'
'You may go,' she said.
'Sure.' I rose. 'But you understand-'
'Get out!'
I can take a hint. I walked out, shutting the door behind me, and proceeded to the elevator. When I emerged on the ground floor, there was Noel. He came to me.
'What did she say?' he squeaked.
'This and that.' I caught a glimpse of someone through an arch. 'She's a little upset. How about a little walk? If there's a bar handy, I could buy you a drink, provided it's not champagne.'
He twisted his neck to glance up the stairs, brought his face back to me, said, 'That's an idea,' and went and opened the door. I passed through and onto the sidewalk, and he joined me. I suggested Barney's, at 78th and Madison, and we turned downtown.
A booth in a bar and grill is not an ideal spot for a private conversation. You can see if there is anyone in the booth in front of you curious enough to listen in, but you have to leave the one behind to luck or keep interrupting to look back. Noel and I got a break at Barney's. As we entered, a couple was leaving the booth at the far end, and we grabbed it, and I had a wall behind me. A white apron came and removed glasses and gave the table a swipe, and we ordered.
'So it's off,' Noel said. 'You couldn't budge her.' I had told him en route how it stood.
'Not an inch.' I was regretful, even gloomy. 'You know why I wanted to buy you a drink? Because I wanted one myself. That talk with your mother took me back, back years ago, in Ohio. My mother. How old are you?'
'Twenty-three.'
'I was only seventeen, just out of high school. But of course the situation was different; it was easier for me than it would be for you. My mother wasn't wealthy like yours. I couldn't hit her for a hundred or a thousand or whatever I happened to need.'
'Hell, neither can I. It's not that easy.'
'It may not be easy, but the fact remains that she has it, and all you have to do is use the right approach. With me, with my mother, that wasn't the problem. She was a born female tyrant, and that was all there was to it. There wasn't a single goddam thing, big or little, that I could decide on my own. While your mother was talking I couldn't help thinking it was just too bad you couldn't do what I did.'
The drinks came and we sampled them. Noel's sample was a gulp. 'What did you do?' he asked.
'I told her to go to hell. One nice hot June day, the day after I graduated from high school, I told her to go to hell, and beat it. Of course I don't mean it literally, that it's too bad you can't do what I did. It's a different situation. You wouldn't have to. Now that Jimmy Vail's dead, you're the man of the house. All you'd have to do is just make it clear that you've got two feet of your own. Not in general terms like that, not just tell her to her face, `Mother, I've got two feet of my own,' that wouldn't get you anywhere. It would have to be on a specific issue, and you couldn't ask for a better one than her taking back a definite promise she made you. That would be a beaut. You could tell her, `Mother, you said I could have that money if I found it, and on the strength of that I made a deal with Nero Wolfe, and he'll hold me to it, and I'm going to hold you to it.' '
He took a swallow of gin and tonic. 'She'd say it's her money.'
'But it isn't. Not after what she told you before witnesses. She has given it to you, with only one condition attached, that you find it, and therefore it's a gift and you wouldn't have to pay tax on it. Granting that there's a slim chance of finding it, if we do find it you'll have four hundred thousand dollars in the till after you give Nero Wolfe his cut-no tax, no nothing. And even if we don't find it, you'll have let your mother know that you've got your own two feet, not by telling her so but by standing on them on a specific issue. There's another point, but we'll skip it.'
'Why? What is it?'
I took a sip of scotch and soda. 'It will be important only if Mr Wolfe finds the money. If he does, one-fifth will be his, and don't think it won't. If your mother tries to keep him from getting it, or keeping it, the fur will fly, and some of it will be yours. If it gets to a court, you'll testify. For him.'
'It wouldn't. It's not the money that's biting my mother, it's Jimmy. It's Wolfe's saying that Jimmy was murdered. Why the hell did he tell Uncle Ralph that?'
'He told you too.'
'I had sense enough not to repeat it.' He put his empty glass down. 'Look, Goodwin, I don't give a damn. If Jimmy was murdered, someone that was there killed him, and I still don't give a damn. Of course it wasn't my mother, but even if it was, I'm not sure I'd give a damn even then. I'm supposed to be old enough to vote, but by God, the way I've had to knuckle under, you'd think I still wet the bed at night. You say I wouldn't have to do what you did, but if I had four hundred thousand dollars that's exactly what I'd do. I'd tell my mother to go to hell. I'm not as dumb as I look. I knew what I was doing Wednesday evening. I knew my mother was so glad her darling Jimmy was back she wouldn't stop to think, and I asked her about the money in front of witnesses, and I intended to go to Nero Wolfe the next morning, but the next morning Jimmy was dead, and that made it different. Now Wolfe has told Uncle Ralph Jimmy was murdered, I don't know why, and he has told my mother, and you tell me to show her I've got my own two feet. Balls. What if I haven't even got one foot?'
I signaled the white apron for refills. 'Let's try something,' I said and got out my notebook and pen and started writing. I dated a blank page at the top and wrote:
To Nero Wolfe: I hereby confirm the oral agreement we made yesterday. My mother, Mrs Althea Vail, told me
