into view. The town itself was one of the biggest in South West London. It had countless supermarkets, a handful of schools, a top 20 University, two libraries and a theatre — which always attracted only the best D list celebrities for Christmas Pantomimes. Central London and all its souvenir flags and hats were only a district line tube or over-ground train ride away. The most unique thing about Chapter Hill though was how green it was. The whole town was surrounded by thick woodland known as Susurrate forest. Plus there were numerous lakes and parks dotted around. It felt like a paradise hidden in London’s urban jungle. I loved it. To me, Chapter Hill felt more like home than any other place I’d been.
It was just a shame about the people.
Cods Haven stood sandwiched between a Video rental shop and a bookstore. A little wooden sign shaped like a fish hung over the door, swaying gently in the icy breeze. It was a quaint place with pale blue walls and cream leather booths. A Greek couple owned it. They got under each other’s feet, so would serve with a smile and then storm out the back to argue.
When I’d first joined the Sixth Form, I’d gone there quite a bit. It was quiet — a good place to escape to. All the students seemed to favour the McDonalds further up the road, which meant I could make it through an entire lunch break without any hassle. That all changed when Terry and the gang spied me in there once.
I’d been too embarrassed to go back since.
As we neared the door it became apparent that the golden arches were no longer the venue of choice. The queue for Cod’s Haven stretched out of the door. Most of the people standing in line were students. The line shortened faster than I expected. When we got inside, I saw this was because the owners had done a fair bit of hiring since I’d been a regular. Aproned teenagers, most of them likely students from the University, darted about behind the counter taking and serving orders. In a booth tucked near the back, I noticed Mikey sitting with a couple of guys and girls, including Lisa. His friend nudged him and pointed at us. He looked up, and raised his eyebrows, followed by a grin and an over the top thumbs up. I rolled my eyes and gave him a curt wave. “Friend of yours?” Gabriella asked. I sighed. “Kind of. That’s Mikey.” “Oh your brother? “Half-brother,” I corrected. “You don’t look all that similar,” she mused. I felt the shame. “Don’t I know it,” I mumbled. “Yeah, you’re much cuter than him.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “I’m sorry, what? You think I’m better looking than the popular ‘can have anyone he wants’ Mikey”?
She waved a dismissive hand. “Not my type.”
Lightning hit my chest. Hold on a second, the voice in my head deduced, if Gabriella doesn’t fancy someone like Mikey, then maybe… I was jolted back to reality by her elbow in my ribs. The attendant was staring at me.
“I said what can I get you pal?”
On Gabriella’s suggestion we wandered over to Providence, the largest and most popular park in Chapter Hill. The grass was damp from the morning rain and gave off an intoxicating smell. We made our way into the kid’s adventure playground area and settled on some swings, resting the food on our laps. The heat came through the carton, warming my legs. I rocked back and forth, scraping up woodchips with my foot whilst absently stabbing at my food with the little plastic fork. “Can I ask you a question?” I said, skewering a chip. “Of course.” “Why are you here?” Gabriella shrugged. “I thought it would be nicer than the Canteen.”
I shook my head. “No, I mean why are you here with me? Surely you must know how much everyone hates me by now. Why are you bothering?” She sighed. I could sense her turn, eyes scanning for mine. I kept staring at my chips. “Because I like you.” I snapped my head up. “But…you don’t even know me.”
The corners of her mouth lifted up at the edges. “Well I like to think I’m a good judge of character and I get a good feeling from you.” She bumped her swing against mine playfully. “Can I ask you a question?” she added. “Uh…sure.” “Why are you so unhappy?” Her words hit me like a battering ram. I had no defence prepared. “I–I’m not,” I blurted. “Why would you say that?” “Because you wear it like a sign” she replied. “Come on, you can talk to me…we’re friends.” Inside the feelings I’d pushed deep down so long ago were stirring, like a bag of snakes, twisting their way free. “I–I don’t want to,” I said looking away. “Alexander…” she placed a hand on my shoulder.
“Because I hate my life okay!” I yelled, hurling my chips across the playground. They smacked against a tree-trunk and slid to the ground in a heap. I pressed my hands against my forehead. “I hate my life,” I repeated in a whisper. Gabriella tried to put her hand on me again, but I shrugged it off and stood up. Instead she placed her food down and used the chain to haul herself onto her feet. “Why?” I stared at her. “Well, would you want to be me?” “I don’t know. What’s wrong with being you?” “Are you kidding? I’m a loser. A nobody.” “Don’t say that.” “Why not? Everyone else does! So it must be true. Even my arsehole of a stepdad thinks I’m a stain on his perfect family.” Gabriella placed a soothing hand on my arm. “Well what does your real dad think?” I stared over her shoulder into the park. “I don’t know. He isn’t around anymore.” “Did he leave?” “He’s dead,” I replied. Gabriella’s expression softened. “I’m so sorry. To lose a parent is…awful.”
I shook my head. “You don’t understand. He died when I was a baby. I didn’t even know him! Plus my Mum refuses to talk about him, which means he must have been a special kind of arsehole. But for some reason when I think about him I feel pain, like…I miss him. How messed up is that?”
Gabriella moved so she was standing next to me. “That isn’t messed up at all Alexander. Not having a father around to support and protect you is hard.”
A strong wind picked up, rushing through the trees and rippling the grass beyond the playground. A gust lifted the collar of my jacket, pinning a portion of it against my cheek. I absently smoothed it back down. “I don’t even know if he cared about me.” She placed a hand on my back. “I’m sure he did.” Inside, the snakes were still slithering their way up. I could feel myself wanting to talk more.
“If losing one dad and being stuck with a replacement who hates you isn’t bad enough, I have Mikey to compare myself to. Gabriella, he’s better than me at everything. Oh and doesn’t John let me know it!” I added bitterly. “If it wasn’t for Mum I’d have left a long time ago.”
I walked over to the metal fence that separated the playground from the rest of the park. Gabriella followed. To my horror, I could feel tears threatening to gather. I can’t cry in front of her! I panicked inside. It wasn’t my choice though; the words couldn’t be stopped now.
“I always thought I could gain acceptance at school. You know, make friends. But the harder I tried the more I repelled people! It’s as if there is something fundamentally wrong with me, like I’m diseased or something. It’s been that way for as long as I can remember.”
My eyes stung from the effort of holding back the tears. I wrapped my hands around the fence, twisting until my knuckles went white. Gabriella placed her hand on top of mine — it felt warm. She looked at me, her eyes urging me to continue.
“When we moved to Chapter Hill, I prayed that maybe I could re-invent myself; that things could get better.”
She squeezed my hand. “I’m guessing they didn’t.”
“They got worse. Not only did no one want to know me, but somehow I got on bloody Terry Burton’s bad side. The bullying is worse than it’s ever been.” A single tear spilled over and rolled down my cheek. I quickly wiped it with the back of my hand, hoping Gabriella didn’t notice. “What you saw the other day was just a glimpse of what I get all the time.” My voice was growing thick.
“Why hasn’t someone stopped him yet?”
I laughed humorously. “Why should anyone care? As long as its loser Alex and not them on the radar.” Another tear slipped down my cheek. I watched it drop and splash onto the fence.
“You know, I have one friend and to be honest I think he just feels a bit sorry for me.” On my last words my voice cracked. “Truth is, if I disappeared, I don’t think anyone would care.” My chin was trembling, but I couldn’t stop. Willing myself not to look at Gabriella I added, “So if this is some kind of horrible joke, just don’t okay? Leave now and I promise I won’t ask why. I won’t ever bother you again. You can tell everyone you humiliated me or something. I just…can’t take any more.”
I waited for Gabriella to leave. Instead her fingers slipped into mine and pulled me around to face her. “How could you think such a thing? Why would this be a joke?” she said, her tone more hurt than angry.
“Come on Gabriella, look at you…look at me!”
“Alexander, this isn’t a joke, I promise. I would never do that to you.”
Without another word, she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me close. As she held me there, my head buried in the crook of her neck the last of the barriers crumbled and the tears came. I cried until there was
