I mean benefits that, when coupled with 50 cents, will buy you a cup of coffee.
For example, I know a person named Michael, who, although he does not personally own any children, once got a major benefit from his five-year-old nephew. What happened was they were at this big open-air concert in Boston to celebrate the Bicentennial, and when it was over the crowd was enormous and it looked as though they’d never get out. So Michael held his nephew aloft and yelled, “Sick child! Sick child! Make way!” loud enough so nobody could hear the nephew saying, “I’m not sick, Uncle Mike.” And the crowd made way, which meant Mike got home hours sooner than he would have otherwise.
So there is an example of a person getting a large intangible benefit from a child, and it wasn’t even technically his child. Also, you can get terrific tax deductions for children. Of course, the same can be said for insulation, but you’d look like an idiot, waving insulation aloft at an outdoor concert.
Chapter 2
PREGNANCY
What on earth is going on inside pregnant women that makes them become so large and weepy? This is the fascinating biological topic we will explore in this chapter, at least until we start to feel nauseous.
The Female Reproductive System
The female reproductive system is extremely complicated, because females contain a great many organs, with new ones being discovered every day. Connecting these organs is an elaborate network of over seven statute miles of tubes and canals. Nobody really understands this system. Burly male doctors called “gynecologists” are always groping around in there with rubber gloves, trying to figure out what’s going on. Or so they claim.
Fertilization
The fertilization process starts in the ovaries, which each month produce an egg. After a hearty breakfast, this egg treks down the fallopian tubes, where it is propositioned by millions of sperm, which are extremely small, totally insincere one-celled animals. Often, to attract the egg, the sperm will engage in ritual behavior, such as ruffling their neck feathers. No wait, I’m thinking of birds.
Anyway, the egg, a fat and globular kind of cell with very little self-esteem, finds itself in this dimly lit fallopian tube surrounded by all these sleek, well-traveled sperm, and sooner or later one of them manages to penetrate. Then the sperm all saunter off, winking and nudging each other toward the bile duct, while the fertilized egg slinks down to the uterus, an organ shaped like Webster Groves, Missouri. The egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, and thus begins an incredibly subtle and complex chain of hormonal secretions that signal to the woman’s body that it is time to start shopping around for fluffy little baby garments. Pregnancy has begun.
The Stages of Development of the Fetus
WEEK 5: The fetus is only 6.7 liters in circumference yet has already developed the ability to shriek in airplanes.
WEEK 10: The fetus is almost 12 millipedes in longitude and has a prehensile tail and wings. It will probably lose these things before it is born.
WEEK 20: The fetus measures 4 on the Richter scale and is perusing mail-order catalogs from the Fisher- Price company.
WEEKS 30-40: The fetus is on vacation.
WEEK 50: The fetus can run the 100meter dash in 10.23 seconds and has developed an interest in pottery.
Pregnancy and Diet
You must remember that when you are pregnant, you are eating for two. But you must also remember that the other one of you is about the size of a golf ball, so let’s not go overboard with it. I mean, a lot of pregnant women eat as though the other person they’re eating for is Orson Welles. The instant they find out they’re pregnant they rush right out and buy a case of Mallomars, and within days they’ve expanded to the size of barrage balloons.
Keep in mind that it’s a baby you’re eating for. If you’re going to eat for it, don’t eat like an adult; eat like a baby. This doesn’t mean you can’t have Mallomars; it means you must hold them in your hands until the chocolate melts and then rub it into your hair and the sofa. If you eat at a restaurant, feel free to order that steak you crave, but have the waiter cut it into 650,000 tiny pieces and then refuse to touch them, preferring instead to chew and swallow the cocktail napkin and then throw up a little bit on your dress.
Answers to Common Questions About Pregnancy
Q. WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO MY BODY DURING PREGNANCY BESIDES THAT I WILL BECOME HUGE AND TIRED AND THROW UP A LOT AND BE CONSTIPATED AND DEVELOP HEMORRHOIDS AND HAVE TO URINATE ALL THE TIME AND HAVE LEG CRAMPS AND VARICOSE VEINS?
A. Many women also have lower back pain.
Q. IS IT SAFE TO GAMBLE AND CURSE DURING PREGNANCY?
A. Yes, but during the first trimester you should avoid gaudy jewelry.
Q. HOW LONG WILL I BE PREGNANT?
A. Most of us learn in health class that the human gestation period is nine months. Like most things we learn in health class, this is a lie. The only people who still believe it are doctors, who make a big fuss out of giving you a “due date” nine months from when they think you were fertilized, as if it takes some kind of elaborate medical training to operate a calendar. I have done exhaustive research on this question in the form of talking to my friends and listening in on other people’s conversations in the supermarket checkout line, and I have concluded that no woman has ever given birth on her “due date.” About a quarter of all pregnant women give birth “prematurely,” which means during the doctor’s vacation that immediately precedes the “due date.” All other women—and ask them if you don’t believe me—remain pregnant for at least 14 months, and sometimes much longer if the weather has been unusually hot.
Q. CAN I HAVE SEX WITH MY HUSBAND WHILE I’M PREGNANT?
A. No.
Q. WELL, CAN I HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE’S HUSBAND?
A. I don’t see why not.
