Suicide Notes

That made me think about Allie again and whether or not we’re still friends. It’s not like this was our first fight. It was just a lot more serious than other fights we’ve had. What if she calls and apologizes for dumping me? Would I forgive her?

Man, that’s a hard one. It’s not like we just had a fight over what movie to go to. She cut me out because Burke told her I kissed him. She didn’t even stop to ask me if it was true.

But it was true. That’s the thing. If she’d asked me then, I would have said Burke was lying or that I was joking around with him. I would never have told her that I was gay, because I couldn’t even tell myself that I was. So she was kind of right. Not to break our friendship up the way she did but about being angry. I don’t even know if she was angrier about me maybe being gay or me kissing her boyfriend. She never gave me the chance to ask.

I know Allie pretty well, and I don’t think she’d stop being my friend because I’m gay. If I had just told her, things might have been different. Now I don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance.

Day 41

“I’m pretty sure I’m gay, and I’d like to find out more about what that means.”

My dad was really quiet for a while. Then he said, “You’re too young to know something like that.”

Only it wasn’t my dad. It was Cat Poop. Today I had my dress rehearsal with him. My dress rehearsal for telling my parents about myself. I decided last night that I would do it. I mean, if I’m going to go to all the trouble of being gay and everything, I might as well tell people.

Cat Poop offered to be both my dad and my mom, but the idea of my mom needing to shave really didn’t work for me, so I told him we could stick to my dad. Besides, I think my father will be the hard one to deal with, anyway. Dads usually are.

So he sits in the chair across from me and I try to start. Only I can’t think of anything that doesn’t sound dumb. “I have something to tell you” just sounds like bad soap opera dialogue. “There’s something you need to know about me” is even worse, like you’re about to announce that you have leukemia or are a secret agent or something. Really, everything sounds way too dramatic.

I finally said, “I want to talk to you about why I hurt myself.” Then I explained about Allie and Burke and how I was afraid of the feelings I had for Burke and about how Allie had stopped being my friend because of it.

That’s when my “dad” said the thing about me being too young to know what I want. I was a little shocked at how hostile he sounded. Then I remembered that Cat Poop was playing a part. He didn’t know how my father would really respond, so he was trying one possible way to see what I did.

“I know I’m young,” I said. “But I also know how strong these feelings are, and I think I need to see what they mean.” It didn’t sound like me at all, but it was true. Besides, parents like it when you talk like that. It makes you sound more like them. Although now that I think about it, maybe that will just scare them more.

“You just need to see a shrink,” said Cat Poop Dad. “That will fix you.”

I wanted to laugh, but the doc looked really serious. I tried to imagine my dad really saying that. I don’t think he ever would, but it scared me to think that he could. I said, “I have been seeing a shrink, and he’s helped me understand a lot of things about myself. I’d like to keep talking to him if it’s okay with you, but I don’t think I need to be fixed. I just need to talk about some stuff.”

“What am I going to tell your grandmother?” asked Cat Poop. “What am I supposed to tell people?”

I took a deep breath and faced him. “Tell them the truth,” I said. “I’m not ashamed of myself. If you are, I’m sorry. But I don’t think there’s anything for you to be ashamed of.”

Cat Poop nodded. “Not bad,” he said. “Shall we try a different reaction?”

We went through some more scenes, or whatever you’d call them. Sometimes my dad was okay with what I had to say, and other times he was angry. By the time we were done I was exhausted. I don’t know how movie stars do the same scene over and over like that. It takes a lot out of you.

Cat Poop asked me how the different reactions made me feel. I told him that, obviously, the ones where my dad wasn’t upset were the best. Then he asked me which one I thought was most likely to happen.

I wish I knew. I really do. But I don’t. You’d think that after living with these people for fifteen years I’d know a little something about them. But right now I feel like I don’t know my parents at all. I guess when you get down to it, I’ve never really thought about them as people. They’ve always been my parents. Now I have to think about them as people with feelings. What a pain.

The funny thing is, I bet they feel the same way. I bet they sit around at home wondering how to talk to this kid who looks like their son but acts like someone they’ve never met in their lives. In a way, that makes me feel a little bit better. It’s like we’re all going to find out who we are. But it’s still scary. I’m still worried that there’s a tiny, tiny chance that they’ll completely flip out and disown me.

We’ll find out on Sunday.

Day 42

Someone new arrived today, so apparently our nuthouse is still the hottest club in town after all. He says his name is Squirrel. I can’t imagine anyone would name a kid that, but it’s what he wants to be called. And it sort of fits him. He’s really skinny, and he darts his eyes all over the place when he’s talking, like he’s afraid that if he looks right at you, you’ll explode.

We met him in group today. As the rest of us introduced ourselves, I couldn’t help thinking about my first day. Did I look as freaked out as Squirrel did? Probably. Then again, I had Bone, Alice, and Sadie in my group. That would freak anyone out. Squirrel just has me, Juliet, and Martha. I don’t think any of us are all that scary. Well, maybe Juliet is, but only once you get to know her. Even then, she’s not so bad.

I don’t know what Squirrel’s problem is. He didn’t say. But if I had to take a guess, I’d say he’s probably got a couple of things going on. Maybe drugs. Maybe depression. Maybe both. You kind of start to catch on to this stuff when you’ve been here a while. It’s almost like every problem has a different smell. Squirrel smells like a combination of cigarette ashes and cotton candy. It’s not pretty.

I wonder if everyone knew right off that I’d tried to kill myself. I mean, I did have bandages on my wrists, so it wasn’t like it was a total mystery. They didn’t know about the gay thing, though. They couldn’t see that.

Except maybe Rankin. Maybe he knew. Why else would he have done what he did? Sure, I was the only other guy here. But would he have done that with Bone? Did he do that with Bone? I think he probably would have if he’d had the chance. It’s not like he was in love with me or anything. It was just something he did. I didn’t mean anything to him. Then again, he didn’t really mean anything to me either, so I guess that makes us even.

Funny, I’ve fooled around with a guy I didn’t care about, and the one guy I have cared about would never even think about touching me. Sometimes I wonder if Burke does ever think about me. I mean, he and Allie must have talked about what happened. I wonder if he ever imagines what it would be like if we did do anything. I mean, I’ve wondered about what it would be like with Allie even though she’s a girl. And since Burke knows I like him, wouldn’t he have to think about it? Or is the idea of it so disgusting that he can’t even imagine it?

I wonder if Allie thinks about what it would be like to have sex with me. That’s a little harder to imagine. But I know Allie. She dwells on stuff. Forever. “Letting go” is a foreign concept to her. Three years ago, Meg Crenshaw made a comment about how a sweater Allie wore made her look like a Sunday School teacher. Allie still hasn’t forgotten it.

I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do about that. Not about the sweater. About how Allie feels. Not that it’s totally up to me. Allie has a say in it, too. So does Burke, I guess. It sounds weird, but I really don’t think I care what he thinks of me anymore. Allie is more important to me than he is. But am I more important to her than Burke? I guess I wouldn’t blame her if she picked her boyfriend over me. I’d be really pissed off, though.