Neverisms

going to follow through,

because if you don’t, the next time you won’t be taken seriously.ROY M. COHN

Never, never get involved with someone who wants to change you.QUENTIN CRISP & DONALD CARROLL

In their 1981 book Doing It with Style, Crisp and Carroll explained themselves this way: “If you have any style, any change can only be for the worse.”

Never, Never, Never take No-Doz

and drink Jolt or Mellow Yellow together.

The only thing you’ll get is a massive brain cramp.ANTHONY J. D’ANGELO, in The College Blue Book (1995)

Never, never trust anyone who asks for white wine.

It means they’re phonies.BETTE DAVIS, in a 1983 Parade magazine interview

Never, ever take Remembrance of Things Past,

War and Peace, or The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire

on a summer vacation.MICHAEL DIRDA, in Book by Book:

Notes on Reading and Life (2006)

This was the last and, according to the author, the “most important” of eight tips about summer vacation reading. Dirda, a noted bibliophile and Pulitzer Prize–winning columnist for the Washington Post Book World, added about these literary classics: “Upon these three rocks have foundered some of the best vacation readers of our time.”

After I won the Olympics, my mom used to tell me,

“Always believe in yourself—but never, ever believe your own PR.”PEGGY FLEMING

When you’re talking with your lover on the phone, never, never, never,

interrupt your conversation to answer another call via Call Waiting.GREGORY J. P. GODEK

This comes from Godek’s 1999 bestseller 1001 Ways to Be Romantic. The book also contained a number of other multiple neverisms. Here are a half dozen of my favorites:

Never, never, never joke about her PMS.

Never, never, never give her practical gifts.

Never, never, never embarrass him in public.

Never, never, never withhold sex to punish him.

Never, never, never say “Yes, dear” just to appease her.

Never, never, never refer to your wife as “My Old Lady.”

Never, never, never go to class unprepared.

That is like a carpenter showing up for work without his tools.ROBERT A. GRAGER, in “A Principal’s Advice to

a New Teacher,” quoted by Harvey Mackay

in his 1990 book Beware the Naked Man

Who Offers You His Shirt

Never, never assume you are fortune’s darling.MAX GUNTHER, in The Luck Factor (1977)

Gunther’s book was subtitled Why Some People Are Luckier Than Others and How You Can Become One of Them. He went on to write: “Just when life is at its best and brightest, just when you seem to be lifted up and nourished and protected by unassailable good luck—that is when you are most vulnerable to bad luck.”

Never wear a man’s tie. Never, never, never.BETTY LEHAN HARRAGAN

Harragan offered this in her 1977 book Games Mother Never Taught You. She added: “A man’s tie is a penis symbol. No woman with any self-respect wants to walk around advertising ‘I’m pretending I have a penis.’ ”

Never, ever wear trendy, complicated shoes.CYNTHIA HEIMEL, in Sex Tips for Girls (1983)

Heimel added: “Eschew shoes riddled with silver studs, plastic bows, silver ribbons, or anything even remotely adorable.”

Never, ever make a spectacle of yourself.AUDREY HEPBURN, recalling a

rule of life from her mother

Never, ever look at the deductions on your pay stub.

It will only depress you.BOB HERBERT, in a 1989 article in New York Magazine

Never, ever, get involved with a straight woman.LINDA HILL, in her 1996 novel Never Say Never

This admonition, ignored by the novel’s protagonist as the story unfolds, is provocatively previewed in the flap copy of the book: “Computer analyst, Leslie Howard, knows all too well that the fastest way to a broken heart is to ignore Lesbian Dating Rule Number One: ‘Never, ever, get involved with a straight woman.’ ” In Cameron Abbott’s An Inexpressible State of Grace (2004), the rule—expressed in exactly the same way—is called “The Lesbian Prime Directive.”

Never, ever buy clothes you intend to slim into

or—oh, the possibility of it—gain weight to fill.KAREN HOMER, in Things a Woman

Should Know About Style (2003)

In her book, the British fashion journalist doubled-down on a few other admonitions:

Never, ever stick tissue paper in your bra.

Never, ever think you can get away with cheap shoes.

Grasp sartorial gems when you see them, and never, ever wait for the sale.

Never, never rest contented with any circle of ideas,

but always be certain that a wider one is still possible.RICHARD JEFFERIES, in