Neverisms

coming up with practical—but not necessarily obvious—tips on cooking, cleaning, shopping, decorating, and other domestic topics. The column was so popular it was made available for syndication, renamed “Hints from Heloise,” and ultimately picked up by more than six hundred newspapers. When Mrs. Bowles died of lung cancer in 1977, her daughter Kiah took over the column, retained the trade name, and made it even more successful. The columns of both mother and daughter were spiced with neverisms:

Never iron a dish towel.

Never make one pie crust at a time.

Never soak clothes over ten minutes.

Never put anything but food into your freezer.

Never walk into a room you are going to clean without a paper sack.

Never stretch out on concrete or cement in any type of elasticized bathing suit.

Never use scouring powder or bleaches on plastic cups.

Never wash windows when the sun is shining in.

Never, ever over-water a philodendron.

Never buy cheap paint for the kitchen.

In the remainder of the chapter, we’ll continue our look at neverisms about marriage, home, and family life. If you’re married or a parent, you may find many thoughts of value in the following pages. And if you’re contemplating marriage or parenthood, you might want to heed these lessons from those who’ve already walked down those exciting but treacherous life paths.

Never try to guess your wife’s size.

Just buy her anything marked “petite” and hold on to the receipt.ANONYMOUS

Many of the best observations on a whole host of topics— including marriage and family life—come from anonymous sources. Here are a few more:

Never forget your anniversary;

have the date engraved inside your wedding ring.

Never contradict your wife.

Listen awhile and she’ll eventually contradict herself.

Never marry a person you’ve known for less than a year.

Never marry someone who makes you give up your friends.

Never marry someone who looks down on your family.

Never marry someone who wants to change you.

Never trust a man who says he’s the boss at home.

He probably lies about other things too.

Never marry a man who hates his mother,

because he’ll end up hating you.JILL BENNETT

Bennett, a Malaysian-born English actress, was the fourth wife (out of five) of British playwright John Osborne. She had been divorced from him for five years when a 1982 issue of London’s The Observer featured this as the “Saying of the Week.” Osborne, who helped transform English theater in 1956 with Look Back in Anger, was the leading figure of a group of English playwrights known as “the angry young men.”

Never teach your child to be cunning or you may be certain

you will be one of the very first victims of his shrewdness.JOSH BILLINGS (Henry Wheeler Shaw)

Never fear spoiling children by making them too happy.ANNA ELIZA BRAY

Bray, a nineteenth-century English novelist, was writing in an era when the idea of doing things to make children happy was often disparaged as mere coddling. She added: “Happiness is the atmosphere in which all good affections grow—the wholesome warmth necessary to make the heart-blood circulate healthily and freely.”

Never threaten a child with a visit to the dentist.JANE E. BRODY, in a 1984 New York Times column

Never marry a man who can’t please you.

If you’d rather be with someone else, then don’t make the commitment.DR. JOYCE BROTHERS

It’s the first rule of marriage: never tell a wife you’re tired.ANDREW CLOVER

Clover, an English actor and writer, said this in an article on love in London’s Sunday Times on Valentine’s Day, 2010. He added: “Ignore that, and you fall foul of the Bill of Women’s Rights.” His point was that husbands don’t work nearly as hard as their wives— and will therefore get little sympathy when they complain about being tired. That Bill of Women’s Rights, according to Clover, states:Throughout this marriage, we are the ones who’ve got up, every night, often to tend to children who literally chewed our flesh. In all arguments and situations, therefore, we shall be considered the injured party, and if any man should dare to complain, on the one day he woke early, he shall rightfully taste the lash on his fat hairy shoulders.

Never join with your friend when he abuses his horse or his wife,

unless the one is to be sold and the other to be buried.CHARLES CALEB COLTON, in Lacon (1820)

Never marry a man who lets you walk all over him.

It’s good to have a doormat in the house, but not if it’s your husband.PAT CONNOR, in his 2010 book Whom Not to Marry:

Time-Tested Advice from a Higher Authority

We introduced Father Connor at the beginning of the chapter, when we described Maureen Dowd’s 2008 interview with him. That exposure in the New York Times helped Connor land a book deal, thereby enabling him to more fully explore his mate-selection rules. In addition to his doormat observation, he also wrote:

Never marry a man who isn’t responsible with cash.

Most marriages that flounder do so because of money,