Neverisms

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a case of ’til debt do us part.

Never say “that was before your time,”

because the last full moon was before their time.BILL COSBY, on speaking to children,

in Love and Marriage (1989)

Never on any account say to a child,

“You are lazy and good for nothing”

because that gives birth in him

to the very faults of which you accuse him.EMILE COUE, in Self Mastery Through

Conscious Autosuggestion (1920)

Coue was a pioneering French psychologist who believed that mental health could be improved through a ritualized repetition of a phrase or saying. His most famous was, “Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.” His work greatly influenced American self-help authors and laid the foundation for the modern use of affirmations.

Never tell your wife she’s lousy in bed.

She’ll go out and get a second opinion.RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Never marry your childhood sweetheart;

the reasons that make you choose her will

all turn into reasons why you should have rejected her.ROBERTSON DAVIES, from Boy Staunton,

the narrator of The Manticore (1972)

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.PHYLLIS DILLER, in Phyllis Diller’s Housekeeping Hints (1966)

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.PHYLLIS DILLER, in Phyllis Diller’s Marriage Manual (1969)

Never do for a child what he can do for himself.RUDOLF DREIKURS, in Children: The Challenge (1964)

A similar quotation, never formally verified, has long been attributed to the educator Maria Montessori: “Never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed.”

Never marry a girl of a mocking spirit.

Raillery, with a woman, is a mark of hell.ALEXANDRE DUMAS fils, in Man-Woman (1872)

Dumas apparently preferred submissive women who didn’t stand up to their husbands, even in jest. Raillery is “good- natured teasing.” Synonyms are banter and badinage.

Never treat a guest like a member of the family—treat him with courtesy.EVAN ESAR

Never judge a man by the opinion his wife has of him.BOB EDWARDS, Canadian journalist and humorist

Edwards also offered these two additional thoughts about spouses:

Never judge a woman by the company she is compelled to entertain.

Never discuss a man with his wife in the presence of company.

When a woman’s husband is under discussion,

she isn’t in a position to say what she really thinks.

I met my wife by breaking two of my rules:

never date a girl seriously that you meet at a nightclub and never date a fan.COREY FELDMAN, on Susie Sprague, a former Playboy model;

the couple met in 2002 and divorced seven years later

Ne’er take a wife till thou hast a house (and a fire) to put her in.BENJAMIN FRANKLIN, in a 1733 Poor Richard’s Almanack

Never let your mom brush your hair when she’s mad at your dad.GALLAGHER

Never argue with your wife about hostility when she’s a certified Freudian.WILLIAM GOLDMAN, on his wife Helen, a child psychiatrist

Never send your children off to school

with a convertible sports car or a credit card.LEWIS GRIZZARD, in It Wasn’t Always Easy,

But I Sure Had Fun (1994)

In this advice to parents of college-bound youth, Grizzard added: “The sports car will break down, and you will have to pay for it to be repaired. A college-age individual with a credit card will wear the writing off the plastic before Christmas break.”

Never tell a young person that something cannot be done.JOHN ANDREW HOLMES, in Wisdom in Small Doses (1927)

Holmes, an American clergyman, continued: “God may have been waiting for centuries for somebody ignorant enough of the impossible to do that thing.”

Never get married in the morning—

you never know who you might meet that night.PAUL HORNUNG

During his playing days with the Green Bay Packers, Hornung did and said many things to cultivate an image of a playboy and a ladies’ man. When he finally married Patricia Roeder in 1967, he violated his own rule and got married in the morning. In trademark fashion, though, he had a wisecracking explanation: “If it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.”

Never tell a secret to a bride or a groom;

wait until they have been married longer.EDGAR WATSON HOWE

The point, of course, is that newlyweds are so wildly in love that they share everything with each other. In such a state, neither person could be trusted to keep a secret. After a few years of marriage, though, Howe wryly suggests that secrets are safe because the husband and wife have likely stopped talking to each other.

Never pretend to listen.PHOEBE HUTCHINSON, in Honeymooners Forever (2007)

Hutchinson, an Australian housewife and mother of two, examined the lives of happily married couples as a way to rejuvenate her own marriage. She summarized her findings in a twelve-step guide to marital happiness. She also advised:

Never argue in front of children.

Never have