Neverisms

Language is the apparel in which your thoughts parade before the public.

Never clothe them in vulgar or shoddy attire.GEORGE W. CRANE

One should treat one’s fate as one does one’s health;

enjoy it when it is good, be patient with it when it is poor,

and never attempt any drastic cure save as an ultimate resort.FRANCOIS DE LA ROCHEFOUCAULD

And with others, the metaphorical nature of the observation occurs because of personification, the longstanding practice of imbuing inanimate objects, animals, and abstract concepts with human qualities:

Never chase a lie.

Let it alone, and it will run itself to death.LYMAN BEECHER, American clergyman and father of

Harriet Beecher Stowe & Henry Ward Beecher

In the pages to follow, you will find more metaphorical admonitions. I’ll offer explanations of some, and brief commentary on others. I’ll let others stand on their own in order to let you exercise your own interpretive skill. If the meaning of a saying eludes you at first, don’t give up too soon. In my experience, there are few things more enjoyable than struggling over a quotation’s meaning—and then suddenly getting it.

Never play cat-and-mouse games if you’re a mouse.DON ADDIS, American cartoonist

Never place a period where God has placed a comma.GRACIE ALLEN

Never hammer a screw.STEPHEN ANDREW

Never let your mouth write a check that your body can’t cash.ANONYMOUS

This saying, which first emerged in the African-American subculture of the 1960s, is a hip extension of the saying Put up or shut up. There are a number of variants, with body being replaced by posterior, butt, and ass. The saying got a huge boost in popularity in the 1970s after Flip Wilson’s character “Geraldine” said it on The Flip Wilson Show. In Chili Dogs Always Bark at Night (1989), Lewis Grizzard offered this variation: “Never let your mind write a check your body can’t cash.”

Never stand between a dog and a fire hydrant.ANONYMOUS

Never respect men merely for their riches, but rather for their philanthropy;

we do not value the sun for its height, but for its use.GAMALIEL BAILEY

This thought comes from an American physician who turned to what is now called advocacy journalism after he became an abolitionist. Bailey occupies an important footnote in history. In 1851, while editor of the abolitionist newspaper The New Organ, he began the serial publication of an antislavery novel by an unknown American writer named Harriett Beecher Stowe. Over the next forty weeks, the installments generated so much interest that in 1852, it was published as a full-length book. Uncle Tom’s Cabin galvanized public sentiment against slavery, selling 300,000 copies in its first year of publication, and eventually becoming the bestselling novel of the nineteenth century.

Never dull your shine for somebody else.TYRA BANKS, in a 2007 episode

of America’s Next Top Model

Never wrestle with a chimney sweep.TONY BENN, citing advice from his father

In 1993, Benn was a senior official in Great Britain’s Labour Party when he told a reporter that “The whole wisdom of humanity is summed up” in a number of sayings he heard as a child from his father. This one advised him to shun the dirty political tricks of his opponents. The advice is similar to Never wrestle with a pig, a saying featured earlier in the classic neverisms chapter. It also bears a resemblance to an admonition that sportswriter Grantland Rice commonly heard from his grandmother: “Never get into an argument about cesspools with an expert.” In the United States, people convey the same message when they say, “Never get into a pissing contest with a skunk.”

The rule in carving holds good as to criticism;

never cut with a knife what you can cut with a spoon.CHARLES BUXTON

Never hunt rabbit with dead dog.CHARLIE CHAN, offering ancient Chinese wisdom

In nearly fifty films, a long-running radio program, and a 1950s television series, Charlie Chan was a Chinese-born detective working for the Honolulu Police Department. Beginning with the 1925 film The House Without a Key, the cinematic role of Chan was played by six different actors. Chan’s crime-solving efforts were often frustrated by the ineptness of his two sons, referred to as “Number One” and “Number Two.” Some of Chan’s attempts to spout ancient Chinese wisdom were accurate (“Long journey always start with one short step”), but others were clearly the creation of the screenwriters (“Mind like parachute—only function when open”). Other Chan neverisms included:

Never believe nightmare, no matter how real it may seem.

Ancient proverb say: “Never bait trap with wolf to catch wolf.”

Learn from hen. Never boast about egg until after hen’s birthday.

Never seem wiser, nor more learned, than the people you are with.

Wear your learning, like your watch, in a private pocket;

and do not pull it out, and strike it, merely to show you have one.LORD CHESTERFIELD (Philip Dormer Stanhope),

in a 1748 letter to his son

Never Attack a Fortress Before You Drain the MoatJOHN M. COMER, title of 1983 guidebook for parents

about evaluating textbooks and instructional materials

Never try to milk a steer.JAY P. DECIMA, in his 2004 book Start Small,

Profit Big in Real Estate

DeCima was making the point that we should thoroughly investigate people who offer get-rich-quick schemes. He added: “You can only get milk from a dairy cow.”

Never Buy a Hat If Your Feet Are Cold:

Take Charge of Your Career and Your LifeKEN FELDERSTEIN, title of 1990 book

Never rest on your oars; go forward or you go back.JOHN GALSWORTHY,

from his 1924 play Old English

Never have a companion who casts you in the shade.BALTASAR GRACIAN

Never lead against a hitter unless you can outhit him.ERNEST HEMINGWAY, in a 1950 New Yorker profile

Hemingway was fond of using boxing metaphors to describe events in his life. In the New Yorker profile, writer Lillian Ross described yet another one that occurred after Hemingway signed a book contract with publisher Charles Scribner. Hemingway put down the pen, rose from the couch, and said, “Never ran as no genius, but I’ll defend the title against all the young