Berra’s best lines were not intended to be funny, and this one was clearly not a deliberate attempt at paradoxical phrasing. File this under inadvertent oxymoronica.
Never work before breakfast;
if you have to work before breakfast, get your breakfast first.JOSH BILLINGS (Henry Wheeler Shaw)
Never give up your right to be wrong.DR. DAVID D. BURNS
The right to be wrong phrase shows up fairly frequently in human discourse, but rarely is it expressed so provocatively. Burns, the author of Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy (1980), believed that perfectionism and the fear of making mistakes stopped people from growing. He wrote: “Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make you a far happier and more productive person.”
Never give up on an idea
simply because it is bad and doesn’t work.GEORGE CARLIN, in Brain Droppings (1997)
This was one of a number of “Rules to Live By” that Carlin offered in the book. With heavy irony, he added: “Cling to it even when it is hopeless. Anyone can cut and run, but it takes a very special person to stay with something that is stupid and harmful.”
Never believe anything until it has been officially denied.CLAUD COCKBURN
Cockburn (pronounced KOE-burn) was an Oxford-educated English journalist who aroused controversy because of his Communist sympathies. Under his own name and some pen names, he wrote a number of nonfiction works and novels, including Beat the Devil, which was ultimately adapted by Truman Capote into a 1953 Humphrey Bogart film, directed by John Huston. This quotation is usually attributed directly to Cockburn, but he was simply passing along a line he heard (some sources attribute it to Otto von Bismarck, but there is no evidence he ever said it). In Yes, Prime Minister (1986), Antony Jay and Jonathan Lynn wrote: “The first rule of politics: Never Believe Anything Until It’s Been Officially Denied.”
Never leave the house without an umbrella . . . or with one.
It’s your choice.STEPHEN COLBERT, in his 2007 book
I Am America (And So Can You)
Never drink black coffee at lunch;
it will keep you awake in the afternoon.JILLY COOPER, in How to Survive from Nine to Five (1970)
Never Make the First Offer (Except When You Should)DONALD DELL, title of his 2009 guide
to effective negotiating, written with John Boswell
Never take a solemn oath. People think you mean it.NORMAN DOUGLAS
Never interrupt someone doing what you said couldn’t be done.AMELIA EARHART, attributed
This is one of Earhart’s most frequently quoted observations, even appearing on her official tribute website. It’s a wonderful thought, but has not been found in her works.
Never cook with wine bought at a grocery store and labeled “cooking wine.”ESQUIRE MAGAZINE EDITORS, in The Rules:
A Man’s Guide to Life (2005)
Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he offers you candy.LINDA FESTA
Never listen to what I say; listen to what I mean.SUE FIEDLER
Never lend books, for no one ever returns them;
the only books I have in my library
are books that other folks have lent me.ANATOLE FRANCE
A Code of Honor:
Never approach a friend’s girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal.BRUCE JAY FRIEDMAN
This comes from Friedman’s The Lonely Guy’s Guide to Life, a 1978 book that inspired Steve Martin’s 1984 film The Lonely Guy (screenplay by Neil Simon). After offering this high-minded code, Friedman wryly added: “There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she’s really attractive.” In his book, Friedman also offered another admonition that is very similar in structure:Never be possessive. If a female friend lets on that she is going out with another man, be kind and understanding. If she says she would like to go out with the Dallas Cowboys, including the coaching staff, the same rule applies. Tell her: “Kath, you just go right ahead and do what you feel is right.” Unless you actually care for her, in which case you must see to it that she has no male contact whatsoever.
Never make forecasts, especially about the future.SAMUEL GOLDWYN
Like Yogi Berra, Goldwyn fought a constant battle with the intricacies of the English language, often creating his own examples of inadvertent oxymoronica. Known as “Goldwynisms,” they include such classics as, “Include me out,” “I can give you a definite perhaps,” and “A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”
Never try to sleep.PETER HAURI & SHIRLEY LINDE
This counterintuitive advice appeared in No More Sleepless Nights (1990), a self-help sleep guide. Hauri, the director of the Mayo Clinic Insomnia Program, and his coauthor, a bestselling medical writer, explained: “‘If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again’ may work in many areas of life, but it doesn’t work at all in sleep.”
Never debate the undebatable.JAY HEINRICHS, in Thank You for Arguing (2007)
Heinrichs described this as “Argument’s Rule Number One” in his book, subtitled What Aristotle, Lincoln, and Homer Simpson Can Teach Us About the Art of Persuasion. In attempting to persuade others to a point of view, he was offering time- honored advice: keep focused on the goal and never get sidetracked by extraneous issues.
Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap;
it will be dear to you.THOMAS JEFFERSON
This was the last of four neverisms in A Decalogue of Canons for Observation in Practical Life (the first three were discussed earlier in the politics & government chapter). “Dear” in this instance doesn’t mean something one cherishes, but something that will eventually cost you, or become expensive.
Never criticize Americans.
They have the best taste that money can buy.MILES KINGTON
Most people would say that good taste is something that cannot be purchased, so in this remark, the popular British columnist was taking an ironic swipe at Americans—and their belief that money can buy anything.
