Neverisms

interfere with my education.” While the sentiment does have a Twain-like quality, nothing resembling it has ever been found in his works. It should be viewed as a made-up quotation—by some very clever person, I might add— that was attached to Twain because it sounds like something he might have said.

And speaking of spurious quotations attributed to a famous individual, they don’t get much better than this one:

Never trust a man who has not a single redeeming vice.

This quotation is almost always attributed to Winston Churchill, but he never said anything like it. The original notion can be traced to Benjamin Disraeli, who said that William E. Gladstone, his longtime political opponent, was “a man without a single redeeming vice.” Since we think of virtues as being redeeming, not vices, a redeeming vice is an oxymoron. As with the Twain attribution a moment ago, this clever quip is normally attributed to Churchill because, of all our modern heroes, it seems to fit him best. Churchill was deeply suspicious of people who presented themselves as overly virtuous, and he always gravitated toward people who—like himself— had a few vices that validated their membership in the human race. One might call them redeeming vices.

Over the years, intellectuals have especially loved self-contradictory humor. In the 1920s, the Danish physicist Niels Bohr demonstrated this time and time again. Shortly after receiving the Nobel Prize in 1922, Bohr invited a number of people to his country cottage. One guest, noticing a horseshoe hanging on a wall, teasingly asked, “Can it be that you, of all people, believe a horseshoe will bring you good luck?” Bohr replied: “Of course not, but I understand it brings you luck whether you believe it or not.” In perhaps his best-known observation, Bohr once said:

Never express yourself more clearly than you are able to think.

This remark, which became a kind of signature line for Bohr, doesn’t contain an internal contradiction so much as it contradicts the normal order of things—or in this case, the way things are most commonly viewed. Normally, we would say that people think more clearly than they talk. Bohr turned that idea around to describe the problems that can occur when people who are verbally facile can sound good even when they lack a full understanding of what they’re talking about. The problem is especially apparent with politicians. In a 1987 article, the New York Times attributed a nearly identical observation to White House chief of staff, Howard H. Baker: “Never speak more clearly than you think.”

Here’s yet another example from a Nobel Prize–winning physicist, Paul Dirac:

Never believe an observation until it has been proven by theory.

Normally, scientists don’t believe a theory until it’s been proven by observation. By spinning that notion around, Dirac found a clever way to critique scientists who become so enamored with the beauty of their theories that they ignore or explain away evidence of a contrary nature. His saying has become one of the scientific world’s most popular quotations.

Continuing our look at contributions from Nobel laureates, Bertrand Russell once proposed ten principles and rules of conduct that he would “wish to promulgate as a teacher.” Some were phrased positively (“Be scrupulously truthful”) and some negatively (“Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion”). But perhaps the best one was expressed paradoxically:

Never try to discourage thinking for you are sure to succeed.

By referring to the end of thinking as a success, and not the tragedy that it truly is, Russell was offering a thought that fits perfectly into our present discussion—and in the process created one of the most powerful admonitions ever delivered.

The love of paradoxical humor is not restricted to intellectuals. The favorite joke of professional golfer Ken Venturi was:

There are two great rules of life:

never tell everything at once.

By stating that there were two rules of life, and then stopping after only one, Venturi was employing a beautiful self-contradiction—and proving that cerebral humor is not the sole province of brainiacs.

In the remainder of the chapter, I’ll present more admonitions and rules of living that fit into the oxymoronic and paradoxical domain. If you’re the kind of person who enjoys ideaplay as well as wordplay, you can expect to have a good time.

Never forget that a half truth is a whole lie.ANONYMOUS

This saying was likely inspired by a well-known passage from the Talmud: “If you add to the truth, you subtract from it.”

Never do anything for the first time.ANONYMOUS

This saying, often called “a bureaucrat’s maxim,” emerged in England after WWII and quickly caught on in America. The saying captures a stereotype about bureaucrats: they are so interested in preserving the status quo—and, of course, their jobs—that they are opposed to any and all forms of progress. In 1961, the saying was presented as “the motto of the world’s unhappiest man” in Advise and Consent, playwright Loring Mandel’s dramatization of Allen Drury’s 1959 Pulitzer Prize–winning novel.

Never let your sense of morals keep you from doing what is right.ISAAC ASIMOV, from a character in Foundation’s Edge (1982)

Never pray for justice. You just might get some.MARGARET ATWOOD, in Cat’s Eye (1988)

Never be naive, no matter how naive you are.RUSSELL BAKER

Another important rule of affair-having:

Never be discreet at the office.DAVE BARRY, in his 1987 book Dave Barry’s

Guide to Marriage and/or Sex

Even though office affairs are generally conducted discreetly, everybody seems to know about them. Barry offers a novel solution to the problem.

Never bet on a sure thing

unless you got enough money to get you back home.GENE BARRY, in a 1959 episode of

the TV western series Bat Masterson

If it was a “sure thing,” of course, one wouldn’t have to worry about money to get back home, so this was Masterson’s way of sending an important oxymoronic message: a sure thing is rarely a sure thing. From 1958 to 1961, Barry played “Bat” Masterson, a dapper western gunman-turned-lawman. According to NBC publicists, Masterson’s nickname came from his fondness for batting bad guys over the head with his gold- knobbed cane (it was not true, but it did give the television series a new plot element).

Never forget what you need to remember.GARRETT BARTLEY

Never answer an anonymous letter.YOGI BERRA

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