The Bachman Books

'Were you a grunt? Were you a dogface?'

'I was . . . I was an officer. First lieu-'

'I didn't ask you for that!' I screamed.

'Charlie . . . Charlie, for God's sake, calm down-'

'What year was your military obligation fulfilled?'

'N-Nineteen-sixty.'

'You owe your country six years! You're lying! I'm going to shoot-'

'No!' He cried. 'National Guard! I was in the Guard!'

'What was your mother's maiden name?'

'G-G-Gavin. '

'Why?'

'Wh . . . I don't know what you m-'

'Why was her maiden name Gavin?'

'Because her father's name was Gavin. Charlie-'

'In what year did you do your basic training?'

'Nineteen-fifty-sev-six!'

'You're lying. Caught you, didn't I, Don?'

'No! I – I – '

'You started to say fifty-seven.'

'I was mixed up.'

'I'm going to shoot somebody. In the guts, I think. Yes.'

'Charlie, for Jesus' sake!'

'Don't let it happen again. You were a grunt, right? In the Army?'

'Yes-no-I was an officer . . . '

'What was your father's middle name?'

'J-John. Chuh-Charlie, get hold of yourself. D-D-Don't-'

'Ever gobbled your wife, my man?'

'No!'

'You're lying. You said you didn't know what that meant.'

'You explained it to me!' He was breathing in fast little grunts. 'Let me go, Charlie, let me g-'

'What is your religious denomination?'

'Methodist. '

'In the choir?'

'No.'

'Did you go to Sunday school?'

'Yes.'

'What are the first three words in the Bible?'

Pause. 'In the beginning.'

'First line of the Twenty-third Psalm?'

'The . . . um . . . The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.'

'And you first ate your wife in 1956?'

'Yes-no . . . Charlie, let me alone . . . '

'Basic training, what year?'

'Nineteen-fifty-six!'

'You said fifty-seven before!' I screamed. 'Here it goes! I'm going to blow someone's head off right now!'

'I said fifty-six, you bastard!' Screaming, out of breath, hysterical.

'What happened to Jonah, Don?'

'He was swallowed by a whale.'

'The Bible says big fish, Don. Is that what you meant?'