Uncollected Stories 2003

PETER goes back to gazing at the globe.

ST. PETER So Earth’s still there, Huh? After All these years.

GOD hands the papers back and looks up at it. His gaze is rather irritated.

GOD Yes, the housekeeper is the most forgetful bitch in the universe.

An EXPLOSION OF LAUGHTER from the TV. GOD cranes to see. Too late.

GOD Damn, was that Alan Alda?

ST. PETER It may have been, sir – I really couldn’t see.

GOD Me, either.

He leans forward and crushes the floating globe to powder.

GOD ( immensely satisfied) There. Been meaning to do that for a long time. Now I can see the TV…

ST. PETER looks sadly at the crushed remains of the earth.

ST. PETER Umm...I believe that was Alan Alda’s world, GOD.

GOD So? ( Chuckles at the TV) Robin Williams! I love Robin Williams!

ST. PETER I believe both Alda and Williams were on it when you..umm...passed Judgment,

sir.

GOD Oh, I’ve got all the videotapes. No problem. Want a beer?

As ST. PETER takes one, the stage-lights begin to dim. A spotlight come up on the remains on the globe.

ST. PETER I actually sort of liked that one, GOD – Earth, I mean.

GOD It wasn’t bad, but there’s more where that came from. Now –

let’s drink to your vacation!

177

They are just shadows in the dimness now, although it’s a little easier to see GOD, because there’s a faint nimbus of light around his head. They clink bottles. A roar of laughter from the TV.

GOD Look! It’s Richard Pryor! That guy kills me! I suppose he was...

ST. PETER Ummm... yessir.

GOD Shit. ( Pause) Maybe I better cut Down on my drinking. ( Pause) Still...It was in the way.

Fade to black, except for the spotlight on the ruins of the floating globe.

ST. PETER Yessir.

GOD ( muttering) My son got back, didn’t he?

ST. PETER Yessir, some time ago.

GOD Good. Everything’s hunky-dory, then.

THE SPOTLIGHT GOES OUT.

(Author’s note: GOD’S VOICE should be as loud as possible.) 178

Document Outline

Jhonathan and the Witches

People, Places and Things

In a Half-World of Terror

The Glass Floor

Slade

The Blue Air Compressor

The Cat From Hell

The Crate

Squad D

The King Family & the Wicked Witch

The Night of the Tiger

Before the Play

Man With a Belly

Skybar

The Leprechaun

Keyholes

For the Birds

The Reploids

An Evening at God's