She held his hand. It felt cold and limp, but alive. 'He’s in pain,' she said. 'Yep. That he is.' 'I’m afraid.' 'Everyone’s afraid.' 'I…I,' Nina fought to stay in control. 'Am I good enough? I…I don’t know if I’m what he needs. I don’t know…'
'He’s just a man. He’s done some pretty big stuff, sure, but no matter what I helped him with or what he had buried down in his genes, he’s just a man. Flesh and blood. Truth is, you exactly what he needs, Nina Forest. No one else. Just you.'
The cabin grew quiet save for the crackle of logs in the fireplace.
Trevor’s eyes did not stir, but she felt his hand return her grasp, not tight but desperate as if searching for a life line. His cold palm began to warm from her grip; she felt a hint of strength in fingers that had been limp seconds before. All her doubt, all her questions evaporated.
'Yes. I’ll do it.'
For him. For me.
For us.
The Old Man shuffled to a sitting position in front of the fireplace.
'Hold him good, now, deary. Like I said, I’m not really here. Not like you think, that is. But that don’t mean I don’t have a trick or two up my sleeve.'
Nina sat on the floor, careful to keep Trevor’s hand in her own. She turned to the Old Man. He sat with his legs crossed and closed his eyes. She did the same.
'Now…you just sit still…probably going to feel a little buzz, hehe. But look, ain’t nothin’ here but the two of you…just the two of you…'
A feeling like static electricity built in the air above where their hands met, then spread up her arm. Her skin tingled. She could sense the bridge growing.
An ache formed in the pit of her stomach. Her breath grew rapid but each gulp of oxygen failed to satisfy her lungs. She felt the pores on her neck drain sweat and her cheeks blushed with warmth. 'What…what is…what are you doing?' The Old Man did not answer. 'No… I’m not the person for this…'
She did not know why those words left her lips, but they came from a growing feeling of being trapped. Not in a cell or a room, but something else.
'I can’t do this! I can’t do this!'
Her voice quivered and the strength that had carried her into battle after battle eroded. Shadows and phantoms moved in the darkness behind her closed eyes. Giant shapes, much larger than she. Towering above. Pressing down.
'Not me! Not me!'
Her head swayed. Her eyes shut tight. Her hand squeezed Trevor’s harder and he responded in kind.
A flood of images broke through the dark. An eclectic collection that played as if it were a film, each frame a different picture. Cars and radios; a rich man staring out an office window. Helicopter control panels and technical schematics of all kinds. A soldier weaving through a dusty street firing a carbine. So many more that her mind’s eye could not keep pace. Her breath eased. Her lungs accepted the nourishment of each inhale. Her grip on his hand relaxed. Strength returned. She spoke, but did not know if the words belonged to her or Trevor. 'I see…I know. I must do this. It is my responsibility.' The flashing images slowed, allowing for better understanding.
An attack helicopter flying over a desert. A professor building a solar panel. An army marksman hitting a distant target. A farmer planting his crop. A carpenter building a home. She not only saw those images, but understood them as if she had done it all herself.
The picture show froze and faded, leaving the dark of her closed eyes again.
'What happened?'
The sweat on Nina’s neck chilled into droplets of ice. The blackness behind her eyes froze, becoming a wall of cold. More feelings came with that cold. Feelings of frustration; a frustration not unlike a parent dealing with children too young to understand.
'I don’t have time for this! There isn’t time!'
Nina’s face twisted. She bit her lip.
'Why won’t they listen? You don’t know-I know! I know! Too much is at stake! Too much for this! Just do as you’re told. Listen to me, damn it! Listen!'
She felt a sharp cold-ice-in her heart but at the center of it burned an ember of warmth.
'No…no…this can’t happen. No, this is not for me. It’s not right. I won’t give in.'
Too late. The ice melted into a puddle and a speck of light glowed in the middle of the void. The ache in her stomach returned…but not so much a pain as a hunger. The light tried to take form. She could feel herself reaching for it, trying to touch.
'Can I? Is it allowed?'
The speck turned into a blob of golden rays shining comforting heat throughout. Her heart pounded faster and faster. Strength. So much strength. She felt…she felt invincible! As if muscles she never knew she possessed came alive with incredible power.
'You have made me stronger than ever!'
A welcoming, belonging feeling wrapped around Nina in a quilt of acceptance. She could feel that shapeless form lighting all of her; every dark corner and she accepted its searching glow willingly.
'Yes…see all of me. I give it all to you.'
Nina had never felt such emotion. Her eyes stayed shut; her entire body relaxed as if floating on her back in a pool below a brilliant sun. Her body tingled and she felt another there…entwined with her to the point of becoming one. She lifted her chin and her lips parted in the slightest. A gasp eased out and her entire person quivered.
'I…I…love…you…'
Then the voices came. She could not hear their words, but the meaning broadcast vividly. They needed. They looked to her. A thousand questions all at once demanding a thousand answers.
She felt pain. Not her own, but another’s. If only…if only she could take the glowing light in her hands and hold it. Comfort it. Chase away the pain.
'Me…I did it…I am responsible…I am responsible…'
She wanted to run away from the voices…and did. They faded and that tranquil quilt of comfort fell over her once more. She had found a quiet corner of her mind where she could hide but not be alone. No experience in her life could match that wonderful feeling.
And then it fell apart.
Not at once, but one piece at a time. One board. One plank. One nail. Pulled up and ripped away…a growing schism between where she went and where she wanted to be.
'No! No! No!'
Everything gone. The cold rushed in. The void drown away the light. Breathing became a labor. A salty sting built in the corners of her eyes. She lost control, bursting exhales like explosions of air. She became lost in the darkness again. The cold darkness.
'This is not fair! This is not fair!'
The good feelings-of warmth and comfort-faded so far as to be unreliable memories. The new cold felt more rigid than ever. It numbed her. Deadened the ends of her nerves…and slowly…morphed…into…
Nina growled. Her free hand clenched into a fist.
Anger. Bitter, horrid rage in its rawest form. Fury without focus. A whirlwind built in the darkness tossing unseen objects crashing and splintering and breaking.
'Shall I be a monster, then? Is that my fate? Then I will be the most terrifying monster!'
Legions on the march. Wave after wave; line after line; soldier after soldier. Tanks and planes; explosions and fires! It all boiled into one chaotic chorus played by Hell’s orchestra. The heat of the flames burned her inside and she relished every scar. 'One after another you shall fall! My rage is my sword!' Flashing lights filled her mind; roaring destruction cut through the emotion and stomped it down…muffled it…disguised it…hid it……but not for long. All the machines of war, all the sounds of annihilation could not keep the feeling at bay. It rose to the surface. Emptiness. The sounds turned off. She saw only black; heard only her breath.
If only she had never known the joy, then the emptiness would not hurt so deep. Not a sharp pain; a dull one. Taken in doses, she could grow accustomed to it. She could live with it. But she could not forget it.
Who am I?
