Steals the Other's Husband. You can just imagine what it would do to Beau and his family in New Orleans, and . . . it wouldn't be fair to you, Paul. These people here . . .'
'Really?' he said with a smirk.
'Paul, please. I feel dreadful about this. There's no one I want to hurt less than you.'
He looked away so I wouldn't see the tears and anger in his face. 'It's nothing I haven't brought on myself,' he muttered. 'Mother said it would happen eventually.' He was silent.
'Don't just sit there like that, Paul. Scream at me. Throw me out.'
He turned slowly. The pain in his face was like a sword in my heart. 'You know I won't do that, Ruby. I can't stop myself from loving you.'
'I know,' I said sadly. 'I wish you didn't. I wish you could hate me,' I said.
He smiled. 'You might as well wish for the earth to stop spinning, the sun to stop coming up in the morning and going down at night.'
We gazed at each other and I thought how cruel it was for Fate to cause him to have such unrequited passion for me. Fate had turned him into a thirsty man forever hovering above cool, clear water, but forbidding him to drink. If only there were a way to get him to hate me, I thought with irony. It would be painful for me, but it would be so much better for him. Between us, like a raw wound that refused to heal, lingered our regrets and sadness.
'Well,' he said finally, 'let's not speak of unhappy things right now. We have too many other problems at the moment. You're certain about us not seeking another nanny?'
'For the time being, yes.'
'Okay, but I hate to see you put your career on hold. I'm supposed to be married to a famous Cajun artist. I did a great deal of bragging in Baton Rouge. There are at least a dozen rich oil men eager to buy one of your paintings.'
'Oh, Paul, you shouldn't do that. I'm not that good.'
'Yes you are,' he insisted, and rose. 'I have to stop at the cannery and speak to my father, but I'll be home early.'
'Good, because I invited Jeanne and James to dinner. She called earlier and sounded like she wanted to see us very much,' I said.
'Oh? Fine.' He leaned over to kiss me, but he was much more tentative about it and his kiss was much more perfunctory: a quick snap of his lips against my cheek, the way he would kiss his sister or his mother. A new wall had fallen between us, and there was no telling how thick it might become in the days and months to follow.
After he had left I sat there on the verge of tears. Although I was sure it wasn't his intention, the more he demonstrated his love for me, the more guilty I felt for loving and being with Beau. I told myself I had warned Paul. I told myself I had never made the same sort of vows he had made, marrying myself to some pure and religious idea of a relationship that rivaled a priest or a nun's marriage to the church. I told myself I was a full-blooded woman whose passions raged through her veins with just as much intensity as any other woman's and I could not quiet them down nor shut them away.
What's more, I didn't want to. Even at this moment, I longed to be in Beau's arms again, and I longed for his lips on mine. Filled with frustration, I sucked in my breath and swallowed back my tears. It wasn't the time to weaken and sob on pillows. It was the time to be strong and face whatever challenges malicious Fate threw my way.
I could use some good gris-gris, I thought. I could use one of Nina Jackson's fast-luck powders or Dragon Blood Sticks. Some time ago, she had given me a dime to wear around my ankle. It was to bring me good luck. I had taken it off and put it away, but I remembered where it was, and when I took Pearl up for her afternoon nap, I found it and fastened it around my ankle again.
I knew many would laugh at me, but they had never seen Grandmere Catherine lay her hands on a fevered child and cause his or her temperature to go down. They had never felt an evil spirit fly by in the night, fleeing from Grandmere Catherine's words and elixirs. And they had never heard the mumbo jumbo of a Voodoo Mama and then saw the results. It was a world filled with many mysteries, peopled by many spirits, both good and bad, and whatever magic one could conjure to find health and happiness was fine with me, no matter who laughed or who ridiculed it. Most of the time, they were people who believed in nothing anyway, people like my sister who believed only in their own happiness. And I, better than most people my age, already knew how vulnerable and how fleeting that happiness could be.
That night I saw how eager Paul was for us to have an enjoyable dinner with his sister and her husband. He wanted to do all that he could to drive away the dark shadows that had fallen between us and lingered in the secret corners of our hearts. He stopped by the kitchen and asked Letty to make something extra special and he served our most expensive wines, both he and James drinking quite a bit. At dinner our conversation was light and punctuated by many moments of laughter, but I could see Jeanne was troubled and wanted to have a private talk. So as soon as dinner ended and Paul suggested we all go into the living room, I said I wanted to show Jeanne a new dress I had bought in New Orleans.
'We'll be right down,' I promised.
'You just want to skip our political talk, that's all,' Paul accused playfully. But when he looked at me closer, he saw why I wanted to take Jeanne upstairs and he put his arm around James and led him away.
Jeanne burst into tears the moment we were alone. 'What is it?' I asked, embracing her. I led her to the settee and handed her a handkerchief.
'Oh, Ruby, I'm so unhappy. I thought I would have a marriage as wonderful as yours, but it's been disappointing. Not the first two weeks, of course,' she added between sobs, 'but afterward, when we settled down, the romance just seemed to die. All he cares about is his career and his work. Sometimes he doesn't come home until ten or eleven o'clock and I have to eat dinner all alone, and then when he does arrive, he's usually so exhausted, he wants to go right to sleep.'
'Did you tell him how you feel about it?' I asked, sitting beside her.
'Yes.' She sucked in her gasps and stopped sobbing. 'But all he says is he's just starting his career and I have to be understanding. One night he snapped at me and said, 'I'm not as lucky as your brother. I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth so I would inherit oil-rich land. I've got to work for a living.'
